Tomorrow is the 20 week mark and we will be officially half-baked. Several weeks ago, I made an appointment for the big 20-week-anatomy-scan-and-big-gender-reveal. C and I have known since the beginning that we would like to know the gender of the baby, so we were really excited for today's appointment.
We made informal plans with just family to have a little gender reveal party tomorrow night. We were planning to do something clever, like the pinata loaded with blue or pink candies or the hidden pink or blue sprinkles in the cupcake. Some such thing. We invited a handful of our closest to come over. C had to work today, so the plan was to take an extended lunch and I would pick him up from work and zip over to the imaging center.
He was super excited about this whole endeavor and we even made a friendly bet -- if he "won" and it was a boy, I had to take him to see The Hobbit in the theater and if it was a girl and I was the "winner," he had to take me to one of those paint-your-own-pottery places. I loathed the Lord of the Rings trilogy when it came around the first time and the thought of another 2h45m movie based on Middle Earth makes me want to jump off something tall. Similarly, I have been asking C to take me to a pottery place for years and he has never done it.
Well, there goes the party, the pottery and the damned hobbit. After nearly an hour of scanning, the technician was unable to tell the gender. The baby was apparently sitting like a pretzel with his/her knees bent and the feet all up under his/herself. She tried and tried, but to no avail. She assured us that this rarely happens, which, of course, made us feel so much better.
Here's the thing -- not only are the plans for the gender reveal party and the registry foiled for now, but we are not entitled to another ultrasound. Theoretically, we could be waiting until birth. This really bums me out.
I know that many people choose to remain "Team Green" and be surprised, but we really didn't want that. Honestly, I think the gender-neutral thing is boring and for me, it takes a lot of the joy out of the preparing process. I don't know what theme I would pick for the nursery without knowing. I can't imagine opening all those clothes at the shower with stupid green frogs and yellow ducks. I am just about the furthest thing from imposing gender standards on kids, but that crap is seriously weak.
Though C and I joke about wanting a boy or a girl, we both would have been fine either way, but not knowing really sucks. I will be over-the-moon excited either way, but I'm a little surprised how much this business of not knowing stinks, especially when we have looked forward to it for so long.
I know that some people decide to have elective ultrasounds and pay out of pocket, so I may be looking into this option. I know there is a chance that we may get another ultrasound in the future if there is some kind of problem or for further measurements, but that's no guarantee. I feel like there was already enough uncertainty in getting pregnant, I would like some answers and be allowed to really enjoy it while I am...
How many chicks do you know that have been to a scrapbooking convention and a tattoo convention in the same weekend? How many historians do you know that teach middle school science? I am a middle school teacher, metalhead and infertile wife just stuck here in the middle.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
PIO? PI-No!
Yesterday, I zipped in and zipped out of the office for another blood draw before yet another PIO shot. At home, I drained the very last of a vial of PIO for the shot. In my big basket o' meds on my dresser, I have one more vial with about 1cc left -- barely a half dose. Another shot would mean another refill. Ugh.
I completely forgot about the callback today until my mom texted me in the afternoon wondering what the results were. I was tutoring another student this afternoon from 4:30 to 5:30 and the call didn't actually come in until the tail-end of my appointment.
After we wrapped up another evening's worth of algebra homework, I scurried out to the car, backed up down their impossibly long driveway, then called my voicemail to listen to the message in the car.
My progesterone was up to 43 which for me lately is really good. Then she said the magic words... "No more shots after yesterday's dose." I listened to the rest of the message -- continue suppositories, back next week for blood, blah blah blah -- then I hung up. I literally did a little dance in the car.
No more shots! No more vials! Just a few hours shy of the 16 week mark and we are finally done!
Things are getting better and a little more real! I had another OB appointment last week and, though we didn't get another ultrasound, the doctor did bring out the doppler and let us listen to the heartbeat for a minute or two. He also gave me the order sheets for our 20 week anatomy scan, which is less than a month away. Our next few weekends are a bit busy, so C and I have even discussed when we will go out and start our registry!
Though I was unable to attend my paternal family Thanksgiving, my Mom Mom announced for me and C finally called his parents. The whole family knows now and it is really starting to sink in.
Now, if I could just start showing a little bump instead of just looking fat, that'd be great!
I completely forgot about the callback today until my mom texted me in the afternoon wondering what the results were. I was tutoring another student this afternoon from 4:30 to 5:30 and the call didn't actually come in until the tail-end of my appointment.
After we wrapped up another evening's worth of algebra homework, I scurried out to the car, backed up down their impossibly long driveway, then called my voicemail to listen to the message in the car.
My progesterone was up to 43 which for me lately is really good. Then she said the magic words... "No more shots after yesterday's dose." I listened to the rest of the message -- continue suppositories, back next week for blood, blah blah blah -- then I hung up. I literally did a little dance in the car.
No more shots! No more vials! Just a few hours shy of the 16 week mark and we are finally done!
Things are getting better and a little more real! I had another OB appointment last week and, though we didn't get another ultrasound, the doctor did bring out the doppler and let us listen to the heartbeat for a minute or two. He also gave me the order sheets for our 20 week anatomy scan, which is less than a month away. Our next few weekends are a bit busy, so C and I have even discussed when we will go out and start our registry!
Though I was unable to attend my paternal family Thanksgiving, my Mom Mom announced for me and C finally called his parents. The whole family knows now and it is really starting to sink in.
Now, if I could just start showing a little bump instead of just looking fat, that'd be great!
Worst. Blood Draw. Ever.
As I posted before, last week was yet another week of the every-three-day PIO shots. Given that the shots are less and less frequent, they are not as painful, but I still have nerve damage in my left upper thigh and a few hard bumps remain from all the stabbing. More distressing to me, however, was that we were gearing up for yet another refill of PIO during a financially-strapped time of year.
Last week, I went in for another blood draw and it was quite a haul. I had to tutor that evening and it was for a family whom I really like and I had already canceled last week's appointment. I really had no choice but to go. The blood lab was open until 6:30, I would be tutoring until 5:00, and it takes a little more than an hour to get to the office. So, here goes nothing...
I narrowly made it to the office and I was the last patient of the day. I had tried to drink a bit of water in the waiting room as I flew through the door, but I had a feeling this would be a rough one. She tried the "good vein" in my left arm, fished around for a bit -- nothing. Tried the right arm, fished around for a bit -- nothing. Then, she did the thing I have always dreaded -- she tightened the tourniquet around my wrists and started poking around in my hands.
When I have had issues getting blood in the past, several phlebotomists have flicked and poked at my hands, but they have always decided against it as there was nothing available. As I watched the frustrated phlebotomist consider her options a whole five minutes after she was supposed to close, I realized that this was really happening. She made me run my hands under warm water for several minutes, then tried the unthinkable.
I kept suggesting that I drink more water, that it had worked in the past, but in her thick Russian accent she shot back that it was unlikely that it would get into my bloodstream that quickly. I looked away, fully hiding my face with my arm. I attempted to look calm while my head was spinning and I felt nauseous. To be fair, I have been a trooper about the all these needles, but I am very touchy about my hands, wrists and feet. Add to this sensitivity, of course, this is finally happening while I am three months pregnant and still squeamish.
She stabbed my hand between my ring and pinky finger knuckles, then made a sound of frustration. Again, in her sometimes unintelligible accent, I hear her say, "...three times... get no blood... then it bursts." Oh. Crap.
She finally takes out the needle and the empty vial with it. Now the tiny pinprick on my hand won't stop bleeding. I look at my hand and there is a visible blue lump under the skin. And now it hurts. I'm no doctor and I have no idea what happened, but it is visibly swollen and blue. I am supremely grossed out.
She finally lets me go drink some water in the waiting room and sit down for a minute. My hand is pulsing and I can't make a fist. Of course, five minutes of standing around and four cooler cups of water later, she gets blood on the first try with the left arm again.
At this point, it is pretty late. I won't be home until after 8:00, so I decided to stop and pick up takeout on the way home. I drove home from NJ with an open hand just flapping at the turn signals as needed. My hand was still pretty sore all night as I slept, but luckily it was pretty close to normal the next day.
I know I am a bit of a whiner, but I choose to think of it this way -- we all have our foibles, fears and anxieties. I have overcome so many of these worries through the infertility process that I'm actually giving myself a virtual pat on the back. Maybe my traumatic tales seem hyperbolic to others, but to each his (or her) own. C may think I'm nuts for getting lightheaded and nauseous over the hand incident, but he would have the same panic about speaking in front of a crowd or going on an interview. We all have these phobias and I am a little proud of myself for tackling this one head-on...
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Steps Forward, Steps Back
In many ways, we have made quite a bit of progress. We are officially in the second trimester and I have even taken over duties as the organizer of the "2nd Tri Check-In" on the PAIF page. I have been graduated from my RE for official monitoring, but I am still going weekly for blood work. We have started looking around at baby items and talking about our plans and expectations. And yet a few things are still holding me back...
For whatever reason, I am still somewhat insecure about this whole thing lasting. All monitoring and signs have been good and the baby is consistently measuring on time. I have been feeling pretty good, but it still just doesn't feel real.
First of all, I am still on PIO. I went down to one dose every three days and had blood work yesterday to see if I could cut back further. Of course, just like last decrease, my body will need another week of the every-three-day dose to adjust and I will be back in for more blood work on Monday. That means at a minimum, I will still need shots on Thursday and Monday. Any more than that, and I will need another refill that we can ill afford.
I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous - we're having a baby, a baby that we hoped to have for more than three years, and we are worried about money. Shouldn't we have planned this better? Shouldn't we have been saving? Well, first of all, we never were and never will be wealthy. We know that, so there was really no point in waiting any longer. Our parents raised us with very little and we turned out just fine.
We also have spent and are still spending quite a bit on treatment. We still have twice a normal patient's number of appointments and co-pays between the RE and OB. We are still paying for PIO and suppositories (for which we have no coverage) and these meds were anticipated to phase out back at the 8w mark.
Finally, the most unforeseen problem has been C's work. As a teacher, I am a salaried employee, even if that salary leaves much to be desired. C is the main breadwinner for the family in his job as an auto technician. His pay, however, depends on work and the work hasn't been coming in like it used to. A low paycheck for him could easily be half of a good one and that difference really hurts. His service writer also recently had a heart attack. This means that he missed some work lately and calls out often. He is a good friend and I wish him a speedy recovery, but when he is not there, C is shuffled around to other teams and his pay suffers.
So, yes, we know. Raising a child will be expensive. And, no, we are not expecting some kind of windfall or major change. But I feel like we have been hit with a triple whammy this season - lower paychecks, higher-than-expected medical and other bills, and normal holiday spending.
Yet another strange "step back:" we are still in the PG closet. Just a short list of family and friends know. More important is the list of who doesn't know. Other than my dad, his entire side of the family doesn't know. C hasn't even told his parents or siblings. None of my best friends know. And now I am thinking that this a chicken-or-egg type situation - am I not telling them because it doesn't feel real or does it not feel real because we haven't told them?
For weeks, I have been pushing the "big reveal" back further and further. I keep thinking that I will just wait for the next ultrasound just to make sure everything is OK. Or the next appointment. Or the next milestone. And then it just never happens. Then yesterday I had somewhat of a wake-up call. A Facebook friend with a history of mild IF issues announced that she is expecting her second child. Great, I'm happy for her. But the kicker - her due date is several weeks after mine and I haven't even told family much less the whole world.
I think this has less to do with anxiety about problems as it does with my own ridiculously high expectations I have set for myself. When you dream of being pregnant for three and-a-half years, you come up with a lot of ideas. Your announcements, your shower, your parenting and your baby will be bigger and better than any of those normal "fertile people" babies. (I know this is slightly hyperbolic, but it's kinda true...)
Then when it's really happening, but life is happening at the same time and the days start to fly by and sh*t gets real, your plans crumble just a little. But I dreamed about this moment for so long, that maybe I am just dragging my feet so that I can make it big. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and maybe if I get my sh*t together, our announcement will live up to our dreams.
For whatever reason, I am still somewhat insecure about this whole thing lasting. All monitoring and signs have been good and the baby is consistently measuring on time. I have been feeling pretty good, but it still just doesn't feel real.
First of all, I am still on PIO. I went down to one dose every three days and had blood work yesterday to see if I could cut back further. Of course, just like last decrease, my body will need another week of the every-three-day dose to adjust and I will be back in for more blood work on Monday. That means at a minimum, I will still need shots on Thursday and Monday. Any more than that, and I will need another refill that we can ill afford.
I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous - we're having a baby, a baby that we hoped to have for more than three years, and we are worried about money. Shouldn't we have planned this better? Shouldn't we have been saving? Well, first of all, we never were and never will be wealthy. We know that, so there was really no point in waiting any longer. Our parents raised us with very little and we turned out just fine.
We also have spent and are still spending quite a bit on treatment. We still have twice a normal patient's number of appointments and co-pays between the RE and OB. We are still paying for PIO and suppositories (for which we have no coverage) and these meds were anticipated to phase out back at the 8w mark.
Finally, the most unforeseen problem has been C's work. As a teacher, I am a salaried employee, even if that salary leaves much to be desired. C is the main breadwinner for the family in his job as an auto technician. His pay, however, depends on work and the work hasn't been coming in like it used to. A low paycheck for him could easily be half of a good one and that difference really hurts. His service writer also recently had a heart attack. This means that he missed some work lately and calls out often. He is a good friend and I wish him a speedy recovery, but when he is not there, C is shuffled around to other teams and his pay suffers.
So, yes, we know. Raising a child will be expensive. And, no, we are not expecting some kind of windfall or major change. But I feel like we have been hit with a triple whammy this season - lower paychecks, higher-than-expected medical and other bills, and normal holiday spending.
Yet another strange "step back:" we are still in the PG closet. Just a short list of family and friends know. More important is the list of who doesn't know. Other than my dad, his entire side of the family doesn't know. C hasn't even told his parents or siblings. None of my best friends know. And now I am thinking that this a chicken-or-egg type situation - am I not telling them because it doesn't feel real or does it not feel real because we haven't told them?
For weeks, I have been pushing the "big reveal" back further and further. I keep thinking that I will just wait for the next ultrasound just to make sure everything is OK. Or the next appointment. Or the next milestone. And then it just never happens. Then yesterday I had somewhat of a wake-up call. A Facebook friend with a history of mild IF issues announced that she is expecting her second child. Great, I'm happy for her. But the kicker - her due date is several weeks after mine and I haven't even told family much less the whole world.
I think this has less to do with anxiety about problems as it does with my own ridiculously high expectations I have set for myself. When you dream of being pregnant for three and-a-half years, you come up with a lot of ideas. Your announcements, your shower, your parenting and your baby will be bigger and better than any of those normal "fertile people" babies. (I know this is slightly hyperbolic, but it's kinda true...)
Then when it's really happening, but life is happening at the same time and the days start to fly by and sh*t gets real, your plans crumble just a little. But I dreamed about this moment for so long, that maybe I am just dragging my feet so that I can make it big. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and maybe if I get my sh*t together, our announcement will live up to our dreams.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
2nd Tri, Here We Come!
It's been a while since I updated, so I figured it was time...
I have been really swamped at work and have had little time to do much else. It is report card season for the first quarter already and parent conferences are fast approaching. I have also been working on a few (unpaid...) projects outside of school and I have been spending every minute that I am not working vegging out with C watching movies and TV.
As of last week, we are more or less graduated from the RE. I am still taking PIO every other day, so I will need to go back periodically for blood work, but I am no longer going there officially for monitoring of the SCH.
I was supposed to start slowing down on the PIO a few weeks ago, but my progesterone levels were never high enough. Finally about two weeks ago, I got the OK to cut back to every other day. When I went in for blood work and ultrasound, however, my levels were not quite high enough to cut back further, so I stayed on the every-other-day plan for another week.
This past Friday, I went back for another ultrasound and more blood work, and we are starting a new cut back plan. I continued to take it every other day on Friday, Sunday and Tuesday, but they want me to skip Wednesday and Thursday. Then, I will go in for more blood work on Friday to see if I am generating enough progesterone on my own and see if we can stick with the every-three-days plan. I am also still on progesterone suppositories and, according to my nurse, these will be the last of the meds to go.
I have another appointment with the OB on November 20 and they want me in every four weeks. This means my next appointment after this one will be the big one - the 20 week anatomy scan in late December to determine the gender of the baby, among other things. Knowing that we are entering the second trimester and that we are getting this close to the halfway point is exhilarating.
As far as preparing for baby, we really haven't done anything yet. I still have told remarkably few people and I have really held back on any planning or buying. We cleaned out the spare bedroom that will be the nursery this past weekend, which really just needed to be done anyway. The room has a bare, beat-up hardwood floor and we are hoping to refinish the floor before Christmas. At that point, we will know the gender of the baby and can start planning a bit more with registering, painting and prepping.
I figured that at this point, it was OK to allow ourselves to get a little excited, though. I know that everyone and their proverbial mother will have advice about dos and don'ts, so I thought it would be fun and helpful for C and I to go out baby shopping just to get an idea of what we want and do not want before everyone starts barraging us with advice. We went to Babies R Us this weekend and test drove some strollers, looked at furniture and talked about feeding while wandering through the aisles. It was nice to see C get excited about certain things and to see that we were mostly in agreement about our expectations.
They say that the second trimester is the "honeymoon phase" of pregnancy and I am certainly hoping that they are right!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Shrink. Shrank. Shrunk.
The news was almost all good yesterday at my afternoon appointment. The hematoma has not only shrunk significantly, but it has moved down lower near the cervix which is a much safer place for the baby.
The sac and the fetus are both measuring on time at 10 weeks and everything looked really good. At the beginning of the scan, the little bean was pretty active, but toward the end he/she had calmed down quite a bit.
The nurse was satisfied enough with the results to start weening me off the PIO injections, but continue the suppositories. I will now only be taking the PIO every other day.
Last week at Melrose, I requested to have the full "fifth beta" draw, which was really more like my tenth beta. Apparently during the last draw, they need several more vials and to check many other levels other than just beta, estradiol and progesterone.
I received a phone call on Monday with the beta and other hormone levels, but they shared the rest of the results with me yesterday at the appointment. Apparently my TSH (thyroid) level was around 3.3 and they like to see it under 2. So now I guess I am having some thyroid issues.
My nurse didn't seem overly concerned about the thyroid, however, and prescribed a simple oral medication (Synthroid) to regulate the levels. She claims that it may cause me to sleep better, lose less hair, lose weight and improve my skin, so I must admit, I am pretty OK with this diagnosis...
Anyway, I am really excited to be somewhat back to normal. I am still not lifting anything heavy or overexerting myself, but I am no longer on complete bed rest. I am so ready to just be pregnant and start sharing the news instead of living in fear of the darn hematoma!
The sac and the fetus are both measuring on time at 10 weeks and everything looked really good. At the beginning of the scan, the little bean was pretty active, but toward the end he/she had calmed down quite a bit.
The nurse was satisfied enough with the results to start weening me off the PIO injections, but continue the suppositories. I will now only be taking the PIO every other day.
Last week at Melrose, I requested to have the full "fifth beta" draw, which was really more like my tenth beta. Apparently during the last draw, they need several more vials and to check many other levels other than just beta, estradiol and progesterone.
I received a phone call on Monday with the beta and other hormone levels, but they shared the rest of the results with me yesterday at the appointment. Apparently my TSH (thyroid) level was around 3.3 and they like to see it under 2. So now I guess I am having some thyroid issues.
My nurse didn't seem overly concerned about the thyroid, however, and prescribed a simple oral medication (Synthroid) to regulate the levels. She claims that it may cause me to sleep better, lose less hair, lose weight and improve my skin, so I must admit, I am pretty OK with this diagnosis...
Anyway, I am really excited to be somewhat back to normal. I am still not lifting anything heavy or overexerting myself, but I am no longer on complete bed rest. I am so ready to just be pregnant and start sharing the news instead of living in fear of the darn hematoma!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Double Digits!!
There was a time when it felt like this pregnancy was crawling by at a snail's pace. I worried about my betas doubling, I spent an evening in the ER for bleeding and anxiously spent time on bed rest with an SCH. In the past two weeks, however, I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by and let me tell you, the fast-moving pregnancy is much more enjoyable than the anxious and fearful slow-paced one.
Today is the 10 week mark and we are officially in double digits! In just a few short weeks, we will officially be in the second trimester. It's just so hard to believe.
Last Friday, I had another monitoring appointment to check on the SCH. Luckily, C was able to come and stand in the u/s room. I hadn't realized until we were there, but this was the very first time he was seeing the baby. He was only present for one u/s before and it was just for placement of the sac. At that point, there was no visible embryo and no heartbeat.
As soon as the technician was able to see the little bean, she showed us the heartbeat and its little arms, legs and head. Then, as usual, she made her measurements for several minutes. At the end of the u/s, she said that she would refocus on the baby to get some pictures for us and then we would be all set.
When she refocused on the baby, however, even she was visibly excited by what we saw. The baby was moving all over, waving its arms and legs and shaking its head! Though the technician had originally planned to just snap a few pictures for us to take home, we all ended up just excitedly watching the little jellybean dance around and put on quite a show. We joked that maybe it was the Cheerios I had eaten before the appointment or maybe the music in the car, but C had no doubt that this baby was a headbanger!
I am so excited, not only that C finally got to see the baby, but that it was so active during the appointment.
This afternoon, I have yet another appointment at Cooper to check up on the hematoma. I will be skipping out of work a little early and riding with my mom all the way to the NJ office, hopefully for the last time. They have completely cut out my Estrace to shrink the hematoma and they have discussed weening off the PIO and suppositories even though I am still on the full dose today.
I also have my first OB appointment on Monday at 10w4d. As much as I love my pregnancy nurses at Cooper, I am really hoping to be graduated from the RE by Monday.
Oh, and here is the ticker...
Today is the 10 week mark and we are officially in double digits! In just a few short weeks, we will officially be in the second trimester. It's just so hard to believe.
Last Friday, I had another monitoring appointment to check on the SCH. Luckily, C was able to come and stand in the u/s room. I hadn't realized until we were there, but this was the very first time he was seeing the baby. He was only present for one u/s before and it was just for placement of the sac. At that point, there was no visible embryo and no heartbeat.
As soon as the technician was able to see the little bean, she showed us the heartbeat and its little arms, legs and head. Then, as usual, she made her measurements for several minutes. At the end of the u/s, she said that she would refocus on the baby to get some pictures for us and then we would be all set.
When she refocused on the baby, however, even she was visibly excited by what we saw. The baby was moving all over, waving its arms and legs and shaking its head! Though the technician had originally planned to just snap a few pictures for us to take home, we all ended up just excitedly watching the little jellybean dance around and put on quite a show. We joked that maybe it was the Cheerios I had eaten before the appointment or maybe the music in the car, but C had no doubt that this baby was a headbanger!
I am so excited, not only that C finally got to see the baby, but that it was so active during the appointment.
This afternoon, I have yet another appointment at Cooper to check up on the hematoma. I will be skipping out of work a little early and riding with my mom all the way to the NJ office, hopefully for the last time. They have completely cut out my Estrace to shrink the hematoma and they have discussed weening off the PIO and suppositories even though I am still on the full dose today.
I also have my first OB appointment on Monday at 10w4d. As much as I love my pregnancy nurses at Cooper, I am really hoping to be graduated from the RE by Monday.
Oh, and here is the ticker...
Friday, October 12, 2012
9 weeks!
Yesterday was the official nine week mark and a few things have changed since my last post. First of all, a lot more people know about our little bean!
Last Friday, I had lunch during our dyslexia conference with another teacher. Given the private and secluded nature of our lunch spot, we ended up discussing my health and my hematoma. This teacher can be very blunt and she ended up asking me, point blank, whether or not I was pregnant. I really didn't know how to respond other than telling the truth. She promised not to tell anyone else at work, so right now she and my boss are the only ones who know.
On Saturday, C and I invited some relatives over to watch the Rumble debate between Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly. We ordered the pay-per-view livestream of the event and hooked up the laptop to the TV. Before the Rumble, however, C and I made a PowerPoint, under much urging from my mom, to finally reveal the news to those relatives. We wrote a little poem expressing how excited we are about my cousin's upcoming wedding, then the last slide said, "Is there room for one more?" As my aunts and cousin pieced it together, there were literally tears in their eyes. It felt really good for my closest family to finally know.
I have been taking it easy at work, but I also have gained some confidence about what I can and cannot do. I haven't had any bleeding, spotting or pain, so I have been doing a little bit more walking around the room and standing.
The nausea was really under control earlier this week, perhaps because I started taking my PNVs at bedtime. I didn't think they were making me nauseous, but apparently they were somewhat. In the past few days, I have had a few waves of nausea, but nothing I couldn't deal with.
Today is yet another weekly monitoring appointment and it is at the Melrose Park office again. Luckily, this one is at 7pm and C did not work today, so he can take me. Last week, I went back to the Jersey office and saw the nurse I like much better. Even though the hematoma was the same size, she was much kinder, more reassuring and less doom-and-gloom than the MP nurse.
Regardless, I am really hoping that the hematoma has either gotten smaller or is the same. The more I research SCHs, the more common it seems and the less risky. I hate to get overconfident, but I really can deal with a little more of this bed rest/taking it easy thing. I just need for that hematoma to not get any bigger! Fingers crossed!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Does it ever get any easier?
After the initial terror of the so-called "threatened miscarriage," each day was leaving me more reassured at the viability of this pregnancy. At first the ER docs were saying it was 50/50, then the RE's office was saying that the hematoma was completely normal and nothing to worry about. The bleeding stopped, I had no symptoms or pain and I was feeling great.
This week, my mom and I allowed ourselves to get a little excited about the baby. Knowing that she is the only person who knows besides C, she took on the role of fantasy co-pilot since I had no other outlet for our hopes and dreams. Yesterday at work, I got a text from my mom: Maybe we could go out shopping together tomorrow and just start fantasizing and looking at baby stuff. We wouldn't buy anything just yet, but we could look around, push some strollers and kick the tires, so to speak.
Even though I had an ultrasound on Monday, the RE wanted me to start having weekly visits and I didn't think that 11am on Mondays each week would suit my boss very well. She offered up an appointment a little early, but more conducive to my schedule. I signed up to come back to the Melrose Park office in PA yesterday afternoon at 5.
Despite MP being their Philadelphia area location, it took me over an hour to get there and it was a nightmarish drive through some of Philly's most notoriously trafficked roads - the Schuykill Expressway, Roosevelt Boulevard and Broad Street. The office has a very strange set-up that emphasizes Dr. Check's bizarre decor style even more than the Jersey office. I had my ultrasound right away from an also strange technician who seamlessly alternated from being super-polite to saying things like "I don't care about that, just tell me what happened here." It was weird.
As soon as the began the ultrasound, she confirmed that the baby was still in place and there was still a strong heartbeat - 143bpm. She did the rest of the scan making all sorts of measurements and it seemed pretty standard. Then I went out into the waiting room and waited for my name to be called over the loudspeaker. Once your name is called, you head up two flights of stairs to a little room to meet the nurse.
After a while, the nurse called for me and I went upstairs. She took my blood pressure and weight, then pulled me into another impossibly-smaller room with no chairs. She stood there and told me that everything during my scan wasn't so normal. She didn't comment on the old hematoma and I forgot to ask. She was telling me instead that I had a second, much larger hematoma, a subchorionic hematoma, lodged between my uterine wall and the embryo. Shit.
If this hematoma were to get larger, it could actually dislodge the baby from the wall and cause a miscarriage. However, they are still very common and many women with normal (non-IVF) pregnancies don't even know they have them as they often disappear before the 10 week prenatal appointment. She had showed the measurements and scans to Dr. Check and he had ordered an entire week of bed rest. Oh, and just to make things even better, the Melrose Park office will not be open late on Friday next week, so I have to make an appointment in the middle of the day. Again, shit.
I hate to belabor the point of my job and how little flexibility there is, so I will let the receptionist at the Jersey office do it for me. Last time I was there, I was trying to schedule appointments and I mentioned that I only get two personal days per year and that very day was one of them. She looked up from the computer and said, "You have a shitty job!"
When I asked earlier this year if I could miss a morning meeting for a doctor's appointment, my boss grimaced and asked me to change the appointment. Luckily, on that occasion, I could. A few weeks later when I had to leave work 30 minutes early on a Friday for our placement scan, she was overly concerned about me missing the middle school wiffleball tournament. That's right, I wasn't even missing a class or a meeting, but the wiffleball tournament. She whisked me through the halls asking teacher after teacher if it was a problem for them for me to miss it and if they could cover my class.
It is also worth mentioning that we do not have substitutes in our building. We don't hire outside ones, either. If someone is out, and inevitably at least one person is out everyday, we get a series of pleading emails from the secretary begging us to cover their classes. As each period is filled with a volunteer, another email update comes around begging for the rest of the slots. An email just like this came around yesterday, I am not only working Monday and beginning an important writing assignment with the kids, but I am covering a class for another teacher. Can you imagine a week of this??
In the car on the way home from the appointment, I called my mom and C to tell them what was going on. Of course, my mom's first response is that I have to do what the doctor says and worst case scenario, I can always find another job. This is not particularly helpful. I know that I sometimes have an inflated sense of duty about my job, but I don't see this happening. Naturally, C is annoyed again. He always diverts back to the unfairness of the whole sitation.
Right now, I am laying in bed propped up on pillows and I haven't seen C in hours. Did I mention he is not very good at taking care of others? He got up hours ago to take the dogs out and I have to assume that he is in the basement playing video games. When I finally reached my level of frustration and decided I could really use a drink, some breakfast and some help, I tried to call his phone. Of course, the next thing I heard was ringing right next to me on the pillow. Humph.
Perhaps it is a good thing that his band is playing a show this evening at a fall festival because that means my mom is coming over. She will not only not disappear, but she even helps me with laundry and other housekeeping.
Fortunately, C has a pretty small bladder, so I am hoping he will be coming upstairs to use the bathroom soon, but until then, I'm back to channel surfing. I'll update again when I figure out what to do about this bed rest debacle...
This week, my mom and I allowed ourselves to get a little excited about the baby. Knowing that she is the only person who knows besides C, she took on the role of fantasy co-pilot since I had no other outlet for our hopes and dreams. Yesterday at work, I got a text from my mom: Maybe we could go out shopping together tomorrow and just start fantasizing and looking at baby stuff. We wouldn't buy anything just yet, but we could look around, push some strollers and kick the tires, so to speak.
Even though I had an ultrasound on Monday, the RE wanted me to start having weekly visits and I didn't think that 11am on Mondays each week would suit my boss very well. She offered up an appointment a little early, but more conducive to my schedule. I signed up to come back to the Melrose Park office in PA yesterday afternoon at 5.
Despite MP being their Philadelphia area location, it took me over an hour to get there and it was a nightmarish drive through some of Philly's most notoriously trafficked roads - the Schuykill Expressway, Roosevelt Boulevard and Broad Street. The office has a very strange set-up that emphasizes Dr. Check's bizarre decor style even more than the Jersey office. I had my ultrasound right away from an also strange technician who seamlessly alternated from being super-polite to saying things like "I don't care about that, just tell me what happened here." It was weird.
As soon as the began the ultrasound, she confirmed that the baby was still in place and there was still a strong heartbeat - 143bpm. She did the rest of the scan making all sorts of measurements and it seemed pretty standard. Then I went out into the waiting room and waited for my name to be called over the loudspeaker. Once your name is called, you head up two flights of stairs to a little room to meet the nurse.
After a while, the nurse called for me and I went upstairs. She took my blood pressure and weight, then pulled me into another impossibly-smaller room with no chairs. She stood there and told me that everything during my scan wasn't so normal. She didn't comment on the old hematoma and I forgot to ask. She was telling me instead that I had a second, much larger hematoma, a subchorionic hematoma, lodged between my uterine wall and the embryo. Shit.
If this hematoma were to get larger, it could actually dislodge the baby from the wall and cause a miscarriage. However, they are still very common and many women with normal (non-IVF) pregnancies don't even know they have them as they often disappear before the 10 week prenatal appointment. She had showed the measurements and scans to Dr. Check and he had ordered an entire week of bed rest. Oh, and just to make things even better, the Melrose Park office will not be open late on Friday next week, so I have to make an appointment in the middle of the day. Again, shit.
I hate to belabor the point of my job and how little flexibility there is, so I will let the receptionist at the Jersey office do it for me. Last time I was there, I was trying to schedule appointments and I mentioned that I only get two personal days per year and that very day was one of them. She looked up from the computer and said, "You have a shitty job!"
When I asked earlier this year if I could miss a morning meeting for a doctor's appointment, my boss grimaced and asked me to change the appointment. Luckily, on that occasion, I could. A few weeks later when I had to leave work 30 minutes early on a Friday for our placement scan, she was overly concerned about me missing the middle school wiffleball tournament. That's right, I wasn't even missing a class or a meeting, but the wiffleball tournament. She whisked me through the halls asking teacher after teacher if it was a problem for them for me to miss it and if they could cover my class.
It is also worth mentioning that we do not have substitutes in our building. We don't hire outside ones, either. If someone is out, and inevitably at least one person is out everyday, we get a series of pleading emails from the secretary begging us to cover their classes. As each period is filled with a volunteer, another email update comes around begging for the rest of the slots. An email just like this came around yesterday, I am not only working Monday and beginning an important writing assignment with the kids, but I am covering a class for another teacher. Can you imagine a week of this??
In the car on the way home from the appointment, I called my mom and C to tell them what was going on. Of course, my mom's first response is that I have to do what the doctor says and worst case scenario, I can always find another job. This is not particularly helpful. I know that I sometimes have an inflated sense of duty about my job, but I don't see this happening. Naturally, C is annoyed again. He always diverts back to the unfairness of the whole sitation.
Right now, I am laying in bed propped up on pillows and I haven't seen C in hours. Did I mention he is not very good at taking care of others? He got up hours ago to take the dogs out and I have to assume that he is in the basement playing video games. When I finally reached my level of frustration and decided I could really use a drink, some breakfast and some help, I tried to call his phone. Of course, the next thing I heard was ringing right next to me on the pillow. Humph.
Perhaps it is a good thing that his band is playing a show this evening at a fall festival because that means my mom is coming over. She will not only not disappear, but she even helps me with laundry and other housekeeping.
Fortunately, C has a pretty small bladder, so I am hoping he will be coming upstairs to use the bathroom soon, but until then, I'm back to channel surfing. I'll update again when I figure out what to do about this bed rest debacle...
Thursday, September 27, 2012
7 Weeks!
Today is officially the seven week mark, so I figured it was time for an update. On my Bump posts, I have a ticker that gives a daily count of the baby's progress and I just can't stop looking at it! I figured I would snip today's look and post it here:
Follow-Up to Big Scare
After the bleeding scare on Saturday night, I was spotting lightly through Monday, but I haven't had any bleeding or spotting since, which is really reassuring. The sort-of common sense rule in the IF community is that brownish spotting usually is no concern as it is considered "old blood" and no cause for concern. It is the bright red variety that merits a call to the doctor. After the initial gush on Saturday night, I had light red spotting Sunday, then just the brown spotting for most of the day Sunday and Monday.
...And yes, I am fully aware that the above information is total TMI, but it's part of my reality unfortunately.
The Bladder Department
Ever since I was an infant, I was always famous for my infrequent bathroom visits. I rarely have to go and can usually overcome the need in the event of a bad public restroom or, heaven forbid, port-a-potty situation. Since becoming pregnant, I haven't really had the urge to go more often, but it has become important to schedule visits more often. Sure, it was convenient for the past seven years of teaching to go infrequently, but I am reminding myself more and more often to go throughout the day. Basically, and this is total TMI again, it seems like I need to go even though I don't feel like I need to go.
I am getting over a bad cold this week and I am still sneezing a lot. Let's just say that it has become imperative that my bladder be as empty as possible all the time in preparation for these sneezes and coughs. I have to wear regular pads overnight and for most of the morning because of the progesterone suppository discharge (it just keeps getting grosser, doesn't it?!) and I realized that this probably is a good idea for most of the day. I bought a few mega-packs of regular pads since I will be using progesterone up until about 10 weeks or so.
Nausea
It seems like most of the nausea I have experienced has been short waves, usually induced by something, or mostly cold-related. When riding as passenger in a car or smelling certain smells, I will usually feel a few waves of nausea undulating through my torso, but so far, they have never threatened actual vomiting.
On the cold front, however, I always get nausea and occasional vomiting after a cold or sinus infection. My stomach reacts to the mucus infection and I usually end up vomiting at some point. This week, I have had pretty much only this kind of nausea and I have even gotten rather gaggy on occasion.
Monitoring
Now that I am realizing that each of the three previous subsections have been completely disgusting, I figured it was time for an update on the actual bean. Tomorrow I will be heading into my RE's satellite location in Melrose Park, PA because they have extended hours on Fridays. After work, I will have my weekly ultrasound and blood work to check on the little embie and confirm my beta levels.
I will probably update again tomorrow with the results, but I certainly hope that everything is still OK in there!!
Follow-Up to Big Scare
After the bleeding scare on Saturday night, I was spotting lightly through Monday, but I haven't had any bleeding or spotting since, which is really reassuring. The sort-of common sense rule in the IF community is that brownish spotting usually is no concern as it is considered "old blood" and no cause for concern. It is the bright red variety that merits a call to the doctor. After the initial gush on Saturday night, I had light red spotting Sunday, then just the brown spotting for most of the day Sunday and Monday.
...And yes, I am fully aware that the above information is total TMI, but it's part of my reality unfortunately.
The Bladder Department
Ever since I was an infant, I was always famous for my infrequent bathroom visits. I rarely have to go and can usually overcome the need in the event of a bad public restroom or, heaven forbid, port-a-potty situation. Since becoming pregnant, I haven't really had the urge to go more often, but it has become important to schedule visits more often. Sure, it was convenient for the past seven years of teaching to go infrequently, but I am reminding myself more and more often to go throughout the day. Basically, and this is total TMI again, it seems like I need to go even though I don't feel like I need to go.
I am getting over a bad cold this week and I am still sneezing a lot. Let's just say that it has become imperative that my bladder be as empty as possible all the time in preparation for these sneezes and coughs. I have to wear regular pads overnight and for most of the morning because of the progesterone suppository discharge (it just keeps getting grosser, doesn't it?!) and I realized that this probably is a good idea for most of the day. I bought a few mega-packs of regular pads since I will be using progesterone up until about 10 weeks or so.
Nausea
It seems like most of the nausea I have experienced has been short waves, usually induced by something, or mostly cold-related. When riding as passenger in a car or smelling certain smells, I will usually feel a few waves of nausea undulating through my torso, but so far, they have never threatened actual vomiting.
On the cold front, however, I always get nausea and occasional vomiting after a cold or sinus infection. My stomach reacts to the mucus infection and I usually end up vomiting at some point. This week, I have had pretty much only this kind of nausea and I have even gotten rather gaggy on occasion.
Monitoring
Now that I am realizing that each of the three previous subsections have been completely disgusting, I figured it was time for an update on the actual bean. Tomorrow I will be heading into my RE's satellite location in Melrose Park, PA because they have extended hours on Fridays. After work, I will have my weekly ultrasound and blood work to check on the little embie and confirm my beta levels.
I will probably update again tomorrow with the results, but I certainly hope that everything is still OK in there!!
Monday, September 24, 2012
The Big Scare
On Saturday, I went out with my mom and the-little-girl-she-takes-care-of and we went to the mall, out to lunch and stopped for groceries. I felt pretty good all day, but in the car on the way home, I felt some cramping and an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Realizing that the brewery chicken with rich gravy was most likely the cause of the bathroom urge, I was more concerned about the cramping. I felt a sudden gush unlike I had ever felt during a period before and I was panic stricken.
At home, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding - bright red. There was even a clot or two and I immediately broke down. By this time, it was already late afternoon on a weekend, so there was no answer and no emergency callback at the RE's office, so I called my regular doctor. When the on-call physician called me back, I was in tears on the phone and he ever-so-calmly told me to go to the ER and get checked out.
At this point, my mom didn't even know that we were pregnant, so I laid in bed like a wreck just wondering what to do. I cried hysterically and finally got up the nerve to call my mom and ask her to take me to the ER. I didn't want to call C at work for fear that he would run out, speed to the hospital and get hurt, or even have to explain to work later why he tore out of there if we lost the baby. My mom flew over and took me to the ER. After her initial panic on the phone, she was calm and collected in the car and at the hospital.
They immediately checked me into one of those pod rooms with the curtain in the ER and had a nurse take my blood for a beta check and put in an IV. When we knew C was done work, my mom went out into the parking lot and called him to come in. When he arrived, he was devastated. He was angry and red in the face, but also so sad deep down. For whatever reason though, my spirits were a little higher in the hospital. Maybe because I felt like things would be OK, maybe because I felt like I had to be strong for him.
After a while, I had a full pelvic exam and I was alarmed by the amount of blood. I am typically a light bleeder during periods, so I was rather surprised by what I saw on the swabs and speculum. The nurses assured me, however, that this really wasn't that much. They would be more concerned if I was soaking through a pad in an hour or less. This seemed to be the rule of thumb and they kept asking me about this "one hour rule."
The pelvic exam provided no answers, at least not to me, other than to say that the bleeding was coming from the cervix. I had no idea if this was a good thing or bad. All I wanted was my ultrasound and blood work.
Finally, after more waiting, a transport person came and rolled me down the halls to the ultrasound room. The technician there was very sweet. The first thing she did was show me the embryo, still tucked into place in the fundus nowhere near the bleeding, and one little tiny heartbeat. The baby was OK.
She did a full scan with every possible measurement taken. She assured me that the bleeding was coming from the bottom of the uterus near the cervix and wasn't anywhere near the baby. As soon as she showed me that heartbeat, I just started crying there in the dark by myself. The scan took a long time, longer than any other scan I've had, then when she released me, I sat in the room for a while, then in the hallway waiting for someone to pick me up and take me back to the ER. I worried about my mom and C sitting down there having no idea what was going on.
When I was finally rolled back into the ER, they were relieved to tears when I told them that the baby was still in place and that I had seen the heartbeat.
Hours later, when the doctor finally returned, we were all sitting around eating vending machine crackers and watching Pawn Stars on TV. Even though we knew that the official news wasn't in, we were so relieved. He walked in saying, "Good news!" He explained that my beta was over 36,000 and that everything looked good. He said that there was a mass of soft tissue at the base of my uterus that was causing the bleeding, not near the baby.
Then he said that we were labeled as a "threatened miscarriage" and that about 50% of women continue on to full-term births after a threatened miscarriage, but 50% do not and lost the baby. How the hell is that good news?? We were stunned. We left feeling much better, but still concerned about this 50/50 diagnosis we had been given.
The ER doctor put me on bed rest for all day Sunday and Monday. He had spoken to Dr. Check right there that evening (at 9 something at night!) and they wanted me to go back to Cooper first thing Monday morning.
All day Sunday, C was pretty sick with a chest cold, so we just bummed around the house together. My mom visited for lunch because, of course, she is in full-scale "mom" worry mode. We sat on recliners in the basement watching both the Phillies and the Eagles lose consecutively, then we made a frozen pizza for dinner. C rented some movies and I emailed work and sent lesson plans, then we both went to bed pretty early.
My mom took off work today to take me to Cooper. She was terrified about me being alone or driving myself if the news wasn't good, so she insisted. She picked me up early and waited for me while I had an ultrasound, blood work and met with the pregnancy nurse.
Everyone at Cooper was just as calm as could be. They told me that I had a hematoma in the base of my uterus which is exceedingly common. The nurse and ultrasound technician said that they see this all the time and that it was normal. They also were horrified to hear that the pharmacist at the fertility pharmacy had told me to insert the progesterone suppositories as far as I could. They said that they should just barely go in the vagina and that this misuse was irritating my cervix, another cause for bleeding.
I got to have another ultrasound and see our little heartbeat again. Everything still looked OK. When I met with the nurse, she said that I even needed to pick a hospital to deliver this week! She said she wanted me to have an OB chosen and a prenatal appointment booked before I come back!
Could this really be happening? In less than 48 hours, I went from really honestly believing that I was losing a baby, to choosing my delivery hospital and talking about graduating!
After the appointments, my mom and I decided to meet C at work and take him to lunch to tell him the good news. Obviously, there is never any certainty with pregnancy, but it sure felt good to be back in the "normal" category. C was so relieved, not to mention happy to get out of work and have a burrito with his still-knocked-up wife.
I am going to work tomorrow, then I am off Wednesday, and back Thursday and Friday. After work on Friday, I have another blood draw and ultrasound to check on little bean, and by that time we will be 7w1d. Of course, I never want to wish a minute of pregnancy away after trying for so long, but every minute I get closer to that second trimester mark, I feel so much more at ease.
For now, I am taking it easy and hoping beyond all hope that this is our sticky baby...
At home, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding - bright red. There was even a clot or two and I immediately broke down. By this time, it was already late afternoon on a weekend, so there was no answer and no emergency callback at the RE's office, so I called my regular doctor. When the on-call physician called me back, I was in tears on the phone and he ever-so-calmly told me to go to the ER and get checked out.
At this point, my mom didn't even know that we were pregnant, so I laid in bed like a wreck just wondering what to do. I cried hysterically and finally got up the nerve to call my mom and ask her to take me to the ER. I didn't want to call C at work for fear that he would run out, speed to the hospital and get hurt, or even have to explain to work later why he tore out of there if we lost the baby. My mom flew over and took me to the ER. After her initial panic on the phone, she was calm and collected in the car and at the hospital.
They immediately checked me into one of those pod rooms with the curtain in the ER and had a nurse take my blood for a beta check and put in an IV. When we knew C was done work, my mom went out into the parking lot and called him to come in. When he arrived, he was devastated. He was angry and red in the face, but also so sad deep down. For whatever reason though, my spirits were a little higher in the hospital. Maybe because I felt like things would be OK, maybe because I felt like I had to be strong for him.
After a while, I had a full pelvic exam and I was alarmed by the amount of blood. I am typically a light bleeder during periods, so I was rather surprised by what I saw on the swabs and speculum. The nurses assured me, however, that this really wasn't that much. They would be more concerned if I was soaking through a pad in an hour or less. This seemed to be the rule of thumb and they kept asking me about this "one hour rule."
The pelvic exam provided no answers, at least not to me, other than to say that the bleeding was coming from the cervix. I had no idea if this was a good thing or bad. All I wanted was my ultrasound and blood work.
Finally, after more waiting, a transport person came and rolled me down the halls to the ultrasound room. The technician there was very sweet. The first thing she did was show me the embryo, still tucked into place in the fundus nowhere near the bleeding, and one little tiny heartbeat. The baby was OK.
She did a full scan with every possible measurement taken. She assured me that the bleeding was coming from the bottom of the uterus near the cervix and wasn't anywhere near the baby. As soon as she showed me that heartbeat, I just started crying there in the dark by myself. The scan took a long time, longer than any other scan I've had, then when she released me, I sat in the room for a while, then in the hallway waiting for someone to pick me up and take me back to the ER. I worried about my mom and C sitting down there having no idea what was going on.
When I was finally rolled back into the ER, they were relieved to tears when I told them that the baby was still in place and that I had seen the heartbeat.
Hours later, when the doctor finally returned, we were all sitting around eating vending machine crackers and watching Pawn Stars on TV. Even though we knew that the official news wasn't in, we were so relieved. He walked in saying, "Good news!" He explained that my beta was over 36,000 and that everything looked good. He said that there was a mass of soft tissue at the base of my uterus that was causing the bleeding, not near the baby.
Then he said that we were labeled as a "threatened miscarriage" and that about 50% of women continue on to full-term births after a threatened miscarriage, but 50% do not and lost the baby. How the hell is that good news?? We were stunned. We left feeling much better, but still concerned about this 50/50 diagnosis we had been given.
The ER doctor put me on bed rest for all day Sunday and Monday. He had spoken to Dr. Check right there that evening (at 9 something at night!) and they wanted me to go back to Cooper first thing Monday morning.
All day Sunday, C was pretty sick with a chest cold, so we just bummed around the house together. My mom visited for lunch because, of course, she is in full-scale "mom" worry mode. We sat on recliners in the basement watching both the Phillies and the Eagles lose consecutively, then we made a frozen pizza for dinner. C rented some movies and I emailed work and sent lesson plans, then we both went to bed pretty early.
My mom took off work today to take me to Cooper. She was terrified about me being alone or driving myself if the news wasn't good, so she insisted. She picked me up early and waited for me while I had an ultrasound, blood work and met with the pregnancy nurse.
Everyone at Cooper was just as calm as could be. They told me that I had a hematoma in the base of my uterus which is exceedingly common. The nurse and ultrasound technician said that they see this all the time and that it was normal. They also were horrified to hear that the pharmacist at the fertility pharmacy had told me to insert the progesterone suppositories as far as I could. They said that they should just barely go in the vagina and that this misuse was irritating my cervix, another cause for bleeding.
I got to have another ultrasound and see our little heartbeat again. Everything still looked OK. When I met with the nurse, she said that I even needed to pick a hospital to deliver this week! She said she wanted me to have an OB chosen and a prenatal appointment booked before I come back!
Could this really be happening? In less than 48 hours, I went from really honestly believing that I was losing a baby, to choosing my delivery hospital and talking about graduating!
After the appointments, my mom and I decided to meet C at work and take him to lunch to tell him the good news. Obviously, there is never any certainty with pregnancy, but it sure felt good to be back in the "normal" category. C was so relieved, not to mention happy to get out of work and have a burrito with his still-knocked-up wife.
I am going to work tomorrow, then I am off Wednesday, and back Thursday and Friday. After work on Friday, I have another blood draw and ultrasound to check on little bean, and by that time we will be 7w1d. Of course, I never want to wish a minute of pregnancy away after trying for so long, but every minute I get closer to that second trimester mark, I feel so much more at ease.
For now, I am taking it easy and hoping beyond all hope that this is our sticky baby...
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Symptoms?
I am having relatively few symptoms at this point, which isn't really surprising, I guess.
I heard somewhere that the more hormonal/moody/symptomatic you are during regular cycles, the more you will be during pregnancy, and I have never experienced period-related symptoms. In my early-twenties, I started getting cramps on CD1-2, but I had never had cramps before as a teenager. I have never experienced PMS or moodiness, so I guess a general lack of symptoms is to be expected, that is, if you believe the old wives' tale.
On Friday, I was super-nauseous, but as I described before, I credit that more to the orange juice than anything else. I have been getting waves of occasional nausea and it is becoming slightly uncomfortable to wear jeans fully buttoned, but other than that, I feel really good.
I have been slowly building a tendency for indigestion and acid reflux over the past few months, so I can't blame it directly on pregnancy, but the list of no-no foods has increased.
It is now uncomfortable to eat/drink the following things:
1. oranges, especially orange juice
2. apple juice
3. bananas (though I like them enough that I have just been following them with a Tums)
4. jarred salsa (fresher, pico de gallo-style is still OK)
5. darker tomato sauces (again, fresher, more "tomatoey" kinds are still OK)
I used to poke fun of my mom for carrying around a little baggie of Tums, but it looks like this is genetic and it's in my very near future!
I heard somewhere that the more hormonal/moody/symptomatic you are during regular cycles, the more you will be during pregnancy, and I have never experienced period-related symptoms. In my early-twenties, I started getting cramps on CD1-2, but I had never had cramps before as a teenager. I have never experienced PMS or moodiness, so I guess a general lack of symptoms is to be expected, that is, if you believe the old wives' tale.
On Friday, I was super-nauseous, but as I described before, I credit that more to the orange juice than anything else. I have been getting waves of occasional nausea and it is becoming slightly uncomfortable to wear jeans fully buttoned, but other than that, I feel really good.
I have been slowly building a tendency for indigestion and acid reflux over the past few months, so I can't blame it directly on pregnancy, but the list of no-no foods has increased.
It is now uncomfortable to eat/drink the following things:
1. oranges, especially orange juice
2. apple juice
3. bananas (though I like them enough that I have just been following them with a Tums)
4. jarred salsa (fresher, pico de gallo-style is still OK)
5. darker tomato sauces (again, fresher, more "tomatoey" kinds are still OK)
I used to poke fun of my mom for carrying around a little baggie of Tums, but it looks like this is genetic and it's in my very near future!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Ultrasound #1 is in the books!
After my arduous blood draw on Wednesday, the pregnancy nurse called me back with the 2933 beta and told me that I should come into the office on Friday for beta #4. This was because she wanted an ultrasound in addition to the blood draw.
I made the appointment for late Friday afternoon and luckily for me, C was off from work. Earlier that morning, I made the mistake of drinking orange juice with breakfast. I might as well have consumed battery acid because I had horrific heartburn, indigestion and nausea for the rest of the day. Either way, I got another teacher to kindly cover my class during the afternoon's wiffleball tournament festivities and headed off to check on our little bean.
We had a blood draw and ultrasound at 3:15, then we had an appointment to meet with the pregnancy nurse at 4. During the ultrasound, we were relieved to see that there was one sac and one yolk sac growing on goal with the 5w1d timing and that they were perfectly placed in the uterus. For some reason C was a tiny bit disappointed that there was only one little embie instead of twins, but I am happy to see anything healthy.
We will not receive the results for beta #4 until Monday when the pregnancy nurse does her callback, but the rest of the appointment was so great that I am not worrying about this number nearly as much as earlier in the week. The pregnancy nurse was super nice to us and had nothing but good news to share. She gave us a big packet of "dos and don'ts" for eating during pregnancy, then a whole bag of prenatal vitamin samples so I can see which ones my stomach tolerates best. (They are also free which is a nice perk.)
She said that everything looked great with our betas and ultrasound and that we were officially 5w1d on Friday and due on May 16, 2012. She also did a vaginal swab to determine how well the cells were absorbing progesterone and the cells were rated as "superior." All in all, it was a great appointment.
We have another beta and ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, September 24 and my next goal is to see a heartbeat. C and I are still trying to decide at what point we feel comfortable sharing the news with others. I would like to tell my mom fairly soon, and immediate family a little later, but friends and coworkers are probably going to have to wait until November when we are officially in the second trimester.
This is all just so exciting - I can't wait until the real preparations begin! I have planned for this for so long, it's hard to believe it is finally coming true!
I made the appointment for late Friday afternoon and luckily for me, C was off from work. Earlier that morning, I made the mistake of drinking orange juice with breakfast. I might as well have consumed battery acid because I had horrific heartburn, indigestion and nausea for the rest of the day. Either way, I got another teacher to kindly cover my class during the afternoon's wiffleball tournament festivities and headed off to check on our little bean.
We had a blood draw and ultrasound at 3:15, then we had an appointment to meet with the pregnancy nurse at 4. During the ultrasound, we were relieved to see that there was one sac and one yolk sac growing on goal with the 5w1d timing and that they were perfectly placed in the uterus. For some reason C was a tiny bit disappointed that there was only one little embie instead of twins, but I am happy to see anything healthy.
We will not receive the results for beta #4 until Monday when the pregnancy nurse does her callback, but the rest of the appointment was so great that I am not worrying about this number nearly as much as earlier in the week. The pregnancy nurse was super nice to us and had nothing but good news to share. She gave us a big packet of "dos and don'ts" for eating during pregnancy, then a whole bag of prenatal vitamin samples so I can see which ones my stomach tolerates best. (They are also free which is a nice perk.)
She said that everything looked great with our betas and ultrasound and that we were officially 5w1d on Friday and due on May 16, 2012. She also did a vaginal swab to determine how well the cells were absorbing progesterone and the cells were rated as "superior." All in all, it was a great appointment.
We have another beta and ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, September 24 and my next goal is to see a heartbeat. C and I are still trying to decide at what point we feel comfortable sharing the news with others. I would like to tell my mom fairly soon, and immediate family a little later, but friends and coworkers are probably going to have to wait until November when we are officially in the second trimester.
This is all just so exciting - I can't wait until the real preparations begin! I have planned for this for so long, it's hard to believe it is finally coming true!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
2933!
Beta #3 is in and I am happy to report that it was worth all the stabbing, fishing and prodding.
2933!
According to the nurse, my progesterone and estradiol levels were excellent and I am due for an early ultrasound on Friday to check for placement of the embryo.
I am so excited, but a little nervous... I hope this little bean is in the right place!
2933!
According to the nurse, my progesterone and estradiol levels were excellent and I am due for an early ultrasound on Friday to check for placement of the embryo.
I am so excited, but a little nervous... I hope this little bean is in the right place!
The Human Pincushion
I am so so so so so so pleased and grateful to finally be pregnant, but, boy, am I tired of being stabbed.
I just had to order a new sharps container to replace the overflowing one we have already filled with dozens of Menopur and Bravelle syringes, a handful of Lupron, a few triggers and mountains of PIO. That, of course, is in addition to the dozens and dozens of blood draws I have had in the past two plus years of treatment.
My "good" vein on my left arm has actually collapsed three times from overdrawing, and today was yet another troublesome situation.
Fortunately, I have two free periods in a row this year, so on Monday and today I have ducked out (with permission, of course) to go to the local lab for blood draws. Monday was very smooth, but my vein has had a pretty easy few weeks. Besides beta #1 on Saturday, it hadn't been hit since three days after transfer back in August.
Today, however, was a whole different story. I showed up nearly a half-hour early for my appointment hoping to be squeezed in and there wasn't anyone there, so I got right in. The technician stuck me in the good vein - no blood. She fished around for more than five minutes (I know because I was looking at the clock), then gave up and tried my right arm. Dread began setting in because this scenario has happened to me before...
She tried the right arm - no blood, even with even more fishing around. Now I am retracing whether or not I drank enough fluids before coming in. I had a bottle of juice, but no water in my rush to leave. Here we go again.
I guzzled a few cups of water under her direction and sat there while two other patients were drawn with the greatest of ease. She came back to me and tried the left arm again. Apparently the fact that the stick spot is bleeding and reacting to the tourniquet is a good sign. More sticking, more fishing - no blood.
I am watching the clock tick away and I need to be back to work in twenty minutes. Another technician comes in for her shift and it is the same technician from Monday. As a last ditch effort, my technician asks the new shift technician to try my arm. She pokes, prods, flicks and preps the vein much more thoroughly than the other technician and ties the tourniquet much tighter.
And finally, after four stabs, more than ten minutes of fishing and nearly 45 minutes in the chair, she is successful.
I just had to order a new sharps container to replace the overflowing one we have already filled with dozens of Menopur and Bravelle syringes, a handful of Lupron, a few triggers and mountains of PIO. That, of course, is in addition to the dozens and dozens of blood draws I have had in the past two plus years of treatment.
My "good" vein on my left arm has actually collapsed three times from overdrawing, and today was yet another troublesome situation.
Fortunately, I have two free periods in a row this year, so on Monday and today I have ducked out (with permission, of course) to go to the local lab for blood draws. Monday was very smooth, but my vein has had a pretty easy few weeks. Besides beta #1 on Saturday, it hadn't been hit since three days after transfer back in August.
Today, however, was a whole different story. I showed up nearly a half-hour early for my appointment hoping to be squeezed in and there wasn't anyone there, so I got right in. The technician stuck me in the good vein - no blood. She fished around for more than five minutes (I know because I was looking at the clock), then gave up and tried my right arm. Dread began setting in because this scenario has happened to me before...
She tried the right arm - no blood, even with even more fishing around. Now I am retracing whether or not I drank enough fluids before coming in. I had a bottle of juice, but no water in my rush to leave. Here we go again.
I guzzled a few cups of water under her direction and sat there while two other patients were drawn with the greatest of ease. She came back to me and tried the left arm again. Apparently the fact that the stick spot is bleeding and reacting to the tourniquet is a good sign. More sticking, more fishing - no blood.
I am watching the clock tick away and I need to be back to work in twenty minutes. Another technician comes in for her shift and it is the same technician from Monday. As a last ditch effort, my technician asks the new shift technician to try my arm. She pokes, prods, flicks and preps the vein much more thoroughly than the other technician and ties the tourniquet much tighter.
And finally, after four stabs, more than ten minutes of fishing and nearly 45 minutes in the chair, she is successful.
~~~
Today's beta was a little different from Monday's. First of all, they remembered to check the "stat" box so that hopefully the results will be in by the end of the day instead of some time late tomorrow afternoon, so that is a huge relief. Also, they drew an additional vial for a test that wasn't ordered on Monday. I can't remember the name of the test, and I wish I could so I could google it. Hopefully, it's a sign of progress.
I am also hoping that my next post will be later today instead of tomorrow. And I am really hoping that this number is above 2000...
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Overwhelmed with Anxiety
Maybe it seems like I am overposting about this, but I cannot emphasize enough how stressful these past two days have been.
For whatever reason, after I got off the initial high of the BFP and the first beta, an enormous feeling of anxiety and dread overcame me yesterday. Sitting at the LabCorp waiting room, I was extremely nauseous, and it sure didn't seem pregnancy related. I felt like I was about to appear in court or speak in front of 1000s of people. That kind of panicky nervousness that leads to nausea.
By the end of the day yesterday, after checking my phone dozens of times, I was nearly shaking. This is typically not like me. I am usually cool as a cucumber, but this anxiety was overwhelming.
I had a tutoring appointment right after school, so I left a message at Cooper just to make sure they knew I had not yet received a call. I went to my tutoring appointment and while the distraction made me somewhat more calm, I was still glancing frequently at my phone and feeling the paranoia.
It messes with your head when you have known nothing but failure for more than three-and-a-half years. And you have seen so many chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages on the boards that the grey cloud of IF just never releases you from the fear.
I had a feeling of certainty, a kind of high, with the first beta draw. I had tested so many times and the results were so certain and strong. But the next big step was beta #2 and I have nothing to base this on. I don't have an HPT I can take or any frame of reference. I am relying wholeheartedly on this test and there is nothing I can do but wait.
Today I left another message at Cooper just to make sure that I was called in the event that the results (finally) arrived. My heart skipped a beat as my phone rang during my 6th period class. Cooper was calling and there was nothing I could do.
Knowing that this might have been a bad decision, I quickly listened to the voicemail in between classes. It would be more than two hours until I could call them back, but I just had to know. Of course, they didn't give me any details over the message - they were just telling me to call back.
For the remainder of the school day, I could feel myself stressing majorly. My hands were practically shaking, my heart is pounding and all I wanted to do was run outside and return the call. But I was stuck.
The message was really vague and this caused the panic to intensify. Basically, they told me to call back. I thought to myself, If it was good news, they would just say it. They want me to call back because it's bad news.
So I teach 7th period. And then I proctor my study hall session. And I answer questions about the math class I don't even teach. And I type up documents and update my website. On the outside, I am carrying out the basic functions of my job, but on the inside I am cowering and wincing and crying and panicking.
As soon as the dismissal bell rings, I chase the kids out the door and slam my door shut. I pull up the voicemail for the name and number of the nurse. As I am listening, my phone rings and Cooper is calling me back. I answer it.
...and my second beta is 1176.
...and it more than doubled.
...and my levels look great.
...and today I am still pregnant.
I honestly can't see too much of this anxiety ebbing, either. For the rest of the nine months (hoping and wishing that it lasts), I will have countless opportunities to completely meltdown with fear. I will almost certainly freak before the anatomy scan and each ultrasound. I will freak when I feel something strange, or don't feel anything at all. I will freak before we go into labor, and then I will most likely have a lifetime of fears and anxieties about my child.
I guess that's just a big part of pregnancy and becoming a parent. You constantly worry. It's just that much more terrifying when you experience IF because the chances of certain calamities are a little higher, and the chances of conceiving again are so much lower. All in all, it sucks.
For whatever reason, after I got off the initial high of the BFP and the first beta, an enormous feeling of anxiety and dread overcame me yesterday. Sitting at the LabCorp waiting room, I was extremely nauseous, and it sure didn't seem pregnancy related. I felt like I was about to appear in court or speak in front of 1000s of people. That kind of panicky nervousness that leads to nausea.
By the end of the day yesterday, after checking my phone dozens of times, I was nearly shaking. This is typically not like me. I am usually cool as a cucumber, but this anxiety was overwhelming.
I had a tutoring appointment right after school, so I left a message at Cooper just to make sure they knew I had not yet received a call. I went to my tutoring appointment and while the distraction made me somewhat more calm, I was still glancing frequently at my phone and feeling the paranoia.
It messes with your head when you have known nothing but failure for more than three-and-a-half years. And you have seen so many chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages on the boards that the grey cloud of IF just never releases you from the fear.
I had a feeling of certainty, a kind of high, with the first beta draw. I had tested so many times and the results were so certain and strong. But the next big step was beta #2 and I have nothing to base this on. I don't have an HPT I can take or any frame of reference. I am relying wholeheartedly on this test and there is nothing I can do but wait.
Today I left another message at Cooper just to make sure that I was called in the event that the results (finally) arrived. My heart skipped a beat as my phone rang during my 6th period class. Cooper was calling and there was nothing I could do.
Knowing that this might have been a bad decision, I quickly listened to the voicemail in between classes. It would be more than two hours until I could call them back, but I just had to know. Of course, they didn't give me any details over the message - they were just telling me to call back.
For the remainder of the school day, I could feel myself stressing majorly. My hands were practically shaking, my heart is pounding and all I wanted to do was run outside and return the call. But I was stuck.
The message was really vague and this caused the panic to intensify. Basically, they told me to call back. I thought to myself, If it was good news, they would just say it. They want me to call back because it's bad news.
So I teach 7th period. And then I proctor my study hall session. And I answer questions about the math class I don't even teach. And I type up documents and update my website. On the outside, I am carrying out the basic functions of my job, but on the inside I am cowering and wincing and crying and panicking.
As soon as the dismissal bell rings, I chase the kids out the door and slam my door shut. I pull up the voicemail for the name and number of the nurse. As I am listening, my phone rings and Cooper is calling me back. I answer it.
...and my second beta is 1176.
...and it more than doubled.
...and my levels look great.
...and today I am still pregnant.
~~~
I honestly can't see too much of this anxiety ebbing, either. For the rest of the nine months (hoping and wishing that it lasts), I will have countless opportunities to completely meltdown with fear. I will almost certainly freak before the anatomy scan and each ultrasound. I will freak when I feel something strange, or don't feel anything at all. I will freak before we go into labor, and then I will most likely have a lifetime of fears and anxieties about my child.
I guess that's just a big part of pregnancy and becoming a parent. You constantly worry. It's just that much more terrifying when you experience IF because the chances of certain calamities are a little higher, and the chances of conceiving again are so much lower. All in all, it sucks.
Monday, September 10, 2012
I know it's a cliche...
...but IF and this early pregnancy are like an emotional rollercoaster.
All weekend I was on cloud nine. I was so excited and optimistic. My first beta number was really good and those +HPTs had me dreaming.
Beta #2 was this morning and for absolutely no reason, I am a ball of anxiety. I was practically nauseous with fear and I still am. I have no idea why this is so much more nervewracking, but it is.
I'm sitting here checking my phone every few minutes and it's making me insane... Please, please, please let it double! Please!
All weekend I was on cloud nine. I was so excited and optimistic. My first beta number was really good and those +HPTs had me dreaming.
Beta #2 was this morning and for absolutely no reason, I am a ball of anxiety. I was practically nauseous with fear and I still am. I have no idea why this is so much more nervewracking, but it is.
I'm sitting here checking my phone every few minutes and it's making me insane... Please, please, please let it double! Please!
Saturday, September 8, 2012
The Beta is In...
...and this is the post that will make you think I am crazy, that is, if you don't already.
Last night when I was telling C about the beta, I said that I wanted a number over 100, but that for whatever reason, I really wanted something in the 400s. That would be better.
I didn't mention this to him at the time, but I was stuck on this number all day. Even before I told him, I kept thinking over and over, It should be around 455. I want 455. I have no idea why, I was just fixated on this number.
C was going paintballing today with some guys from my work, many of whom he has never met before. To make him more comfortable, I tagged along for the ride up, then I planned to run some errands in the area, then go back and pick him up. The whole way there, he was fixated on this phone call. He wanted the call to come in before we got to the paintball park, but I told him that this was unlikely and that the call could come anywhere between 11am and 5pm.
Of course, when we were just a mile or two away from the place, my phone rings. The nurse excitedly tells me that it is positive and congratulates me. The beta was 456. I kid you not.
For now, the protocol is to continue with three daily Estrace, 2cc of PIO and the progesterone suppositories. All of my levels looked really good, so we're continuing with the same dosages. She also said to add a prenatal vitamin, but I have already been taking these for a few weeks. I was beginning to run low on vitamins, so I added this to the list of errands for the day.
At Walmart (while C was running around the woods covered in paint), I picked up a new weekly pill organizer, more vitamins, and a bunch of other household crap that we needed. I even allowed myself to wander through the baby section, not because I wanted anything, but because it was no longer painful to be there.
I don't have any official pregnancy instructions yet, but I am definitely cutting as many chemicals and artificial ingredients as possible. I gave up my beloved Diet Coke a few days ago (I probably should have done this a long time ago, but hey...) and I am trying not to eat junk.
I have to return on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and hopefully Sunday for four more betas and this stressed me out a bit. As much as this is the most important thing in the world to me right now, I don't see my job looking kindly on me missing my first class three days this week. Luckily, the IVF nurse said that I could use a local storefront lab and just have the reports sent to Cooper, so this is probably what I am going to do.
...And now we wait and think happy, beta-doubling thoughts...
Last night when I was telling C about the beta, I said that I wanted a number over 100, but that for whatever reason, I really wanted something in the 400s. That would be better.
I didn't mention this to him at the time, but I was stuck on this number all day. Even before I told him, I kept thinking over and over, It should be around 455. I want 455. I have no idea why, I was just fixated on this number.
C was going paintballing today with some guys from my work, many of whom he has never met before. To make him more comfortable, I tagged along for the ride up, then I planned to run some errands in the area, then go back and pick him up. The whole way there, he was fixated on this phone call. He wanted the call to come in before we got to the paintball park, but I told him that this was unlikely and that the call could come anywhere between 11am and 5pm.
Of course, when we were just a mile or two away from the place, my phone rings. The nurse excitedly tells me that it is positive and congratulates me. The beta was 456. I kid you not.
For now, the protocol is to continue with three daily Estrace, 2cc of PIO and the progesterone suppositories. All of my levels looked really good, so we're continuing with the same dosages. She also said to add a prenatal vitamin, but I have already been taking these for a few weeks. I was beginning to run low on vitamins, so I added this to the list of errands for the day.
At Walmart (while C was running around the woods covered in paint), I picked up a new weekly pill organizer, more vitamins, and a bunch of other household crap that we needed. I even allowed myself to wander through the baby section, not because I wanted anything, but because it was no longer painful to be there.
I don't have any official pregnancy instructions yet, but I am definitely cutting as many chemicals and artificial ingredients as possible. I gave up my beloved Diet Coke a few days ago (I probably should have done this a long time ago, but hey...) and I am trying not to eat junk.
I have to return on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and hopefully Sunday for four more betas and this stressed me out a bit. As much as this is the most important thing in the world to me right now, I don't see my job looking kindly on me missing my first class three days this week. Luckily, the IVF nurse said that I could use a local storefront lab and just have the reports sent to Cooper, so this is probably what I am going to do.
...And now we wait and think happy, beta-doubling thoughts...
Sharing the News
I was going to wait until today to tell C, but after spending most of the afternoon thinking about it, I decided to tell him last night. I figured that since the HPT really was so dark, there wasn't much risk in it being unreliable, plus I really thought that he would like to know.
Given the inevitable anxiety about impending doom related to IF, I didn't want to make to much of a fuss, but I did want it to be thoughtful and special. I stopped at the mall on the way home from work and spent about $10 on my big, fabulous surprise.
As I have mentioned before, C and I (and our whole family, for that matter) are huge Phils fans. And Eagles fans. And Flyers fans. But mostly Phillies fans. C has been itching to finally commit to season tickets even though we've been going to dozens of games per season without them. He's been bugging me about it, so I thought I would mess with his head a little.
I wrote up a quick card that said, "I know the Phils haven't been playing as well this year as we had hoped, but there's always next year. This is for next year - you might need it." Of course, I had him completely fooled. As he opened the card, he was all excited, but for totally different reasons.
In the bag was a little Phillies onesie. At first, he just said, "Aww," but looked a little confused. I had already bought him a onesie a while back that said "I listen to death metal with my daddy," but we weren't expecting then. It was just one of those you'll-never-find-this-again-so-just-buy-it-now things. So at first, he's thinking it's another one of these.
Then he says, "Wait. I might need it," and he's piecing it together. I whipped the +HPT from my pocket and he was totally dumbfounded. I told him that the official test was today, but that the line was dark and appeared quickly, so that was a really good sign.
We were on our way out the door to have dinner at a local Italian place, so we discussed it further in the car. I told him that I had tested earlier yesterday morning, but that I just didn't tell him yet. And I told him about how it really hit me when I got that email about the wedding and that we could be parents then. He was excited, overjoyed, but still a little apprehensive.
What are the chances that this isn't real? Can these tests be wrong? When will we know for sure? I must admit, it made me a little sad to see that the very-real nagging anxiety of IF was stuck like a burr in his brain just like mine, and this was the first time I was seeing it.
On the way home from our rather late dinner, he insisted that we stop at a 24-hour Rite Aid and pick up more tests, just to be sure. I had taken a FRER, which is more sensitive than most tests, so I really wanted to take a digital or something a little different. Lucky for me, Clearblue makes a "Double Check" kit that includes two tests of two types - a digital and a plain color-based test.
After dinner, I tested again:
Now this is really starting to feel real. And for the first time in my life, I stared at that test while the little hourglass spun around and I knew. I knew it would be positive. For the first time ever, I felt good about it.
This morning, I think my subconscious was even more excited about beta than my conscious mind. I planned to get up around 7am and leave around 7:30am for the beta. I got up, got dressed and headed for the bathroom for another test. Looking at the clock in the bathroom, I realized that it was not 7:30am, but 6:30am. I woke up an hour early. There was absolutely no going back to sleep, however, and I was already dressed, so I showed up at the RE's office at 7:30am.
And here is the test from this morning:
At beta draw, the phlebotomist asked me if I had tested. I told her that I had tested three times, starting yesterday morning. She said that in all her years, she had never seen a beta come back negative after +HPTs, so we should plan to come back Monday for beta #2.
I can't believe this is really happening... Please let this be the sticky one!
Given the inevitable anxiety about impending doom related to IF, I didn't want to make to much of a fuss, but I did want it to be thoughtful and special. I stopped at the mall on the way home from work and spent about $10 on my big, fabulous surprise.
As I have mentioned before, C and I (and our whole family, for that matter) are huge Phils fans. And Eagles fans. And Flyers fans. But mostly Phillies fans. C has been itching to finally commit to season tickets even though we've been going to dozens of games per season without them. He's been bugging me about it, so I thought I would mess with his head a little.
I wrote up a quick card that said, "I know the Phils haven't been playing as well this year as we had hoped, but there's always next year. This is for next year - you might need it." Of course, I had him completely fooled. As he opened the card, he was all excited, but for totally different reasons.
In the bag was a little Phillies onesie. At first, he just said, "Aww," but looked a little confused. I had already bought him a onesie a while back that said "I listen to death metal with my daddy," but we weren't expecting then. It was just one of those you'll-never-find-this-again-so-just-buy-it-now things. So at first, he's thinking it's another one of these.
Then he says, "Wait. I might need it," and he's piecing it together. I whipped the +HPT from my pocket and he was totally dumbfounded. I told him that the official test was today, but that the line was dark and appeared quickly, so that was a really good sign.
We were on our way out the door to have dinner at a local Italian place, so we discussed it further in the car. I told him that I had tested earlier yesterday morning, but that I just didn't tell him yet. And I told him about how it really hit me when I got that email about the wedding and that we could be parents then. He was excited, overjoyed, but still a little apprehensive.
What are the chances that this isn't real? Can these tests be wrong? When will we know for sure? I must admit, it made me a little sad to see that the very-real nagging anxiety of IF was stuck like a burr in his brain just like mine, and this was the first time I was seeing it.
On the way home from our rather late dinner, he insisted that we stop at a 24-hour Rite Aid and pick up more tests, just to be sure. I had taken a FRER, which is more sensitive than most tests, so I really wanted to take a digital or something a little different. Lucky for me, Clearblue makes a "Double Check" kit that includes two tests of two types - a digital and a plain color-based test.
After dinner, I tested again:
Now this is really starting to feel real. And for the first time in my life, I stared at that test while the little hourglass spun around and I knew. I knew it would be positive. For the first time ever, I felt good about it.
This morning, I think my subconscious was even more excited about beta than my conscious mind. I planned to get up around 7am and leave around 7:30am for the beta. I got up, got dressed and headed for the bathroom for another test. Looking at the clock in the bathroom, I realized that it was not 7:30am, but 6:30am. I woke up an hour early. There was absolutely no going back to sleep, however, and I was already dressed, so I showed up at the RE's office at 7:30am.
And here is the test from this morning:
At beta draw, the phlebotomist asked me if I had tested. I told her that I had tested three times, starting yesterday morning. She said that in all her years, she had never seen a beta come back negative after +HPTs, so we should plan to come back Monday for beta #2.
I can't believe this is really happening... Please let this be the sticky one!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Two More Quick Things
1. I can't stop thinking about all of the amazing things that I might be able to do in the next nine months - things that I have been dreaming about for years! I can't stop smiling and I have a lump in my throat to just happy-cry all the way home from work.
2. I just got an email from my aunt about my (close-to-me-like-a-brother) cousin's wedding. They just got engaged a few weeks ago and she is understandibly excited about planning the occasion. She sent me pictures of the venue and the date they booked... And then I realized that by the time this wedding happens next September, I could be a mom. And now the lump in my throat is back.
2. I just got an email from my aunt about my (close-to-me-like-a-brother) cousin's wedding. They just got engaged a few weeks ago and she is understandibly excited about planning the occasion. She sent me pictures of the venue and the date they booked... And then I realized that by the time this wedding happens next September, I could be a mom. And now the lump in my throat is back.
Holy. F@$#ing. Crap.
Beta is scheduled for tomorrow and IVFs and FETs, I absolutely have to POAS first. IUIs were cheap and unlimited in my insurance and research study situation, so I considered it rather "low stakes cycling." BFNs totally sucked, don't get me wrong, but at least they weren't financially devastating and there was always another IUI if we wanted it.
I consider IVFs and FETs to be "high stakes cycling." Each one is expensive and requires an incredible time commitment and emotional toll. It really is a grueling process to endure and the BFNs are even more painful.
That said, I cannot sit around on beta day waiting for that call. I would go absolutely insane. So I POAS first. During IVF #1, I bought a big ol' megapack of FRER HPTs and started testing a few days before beta. After several consecutive BFNs, I put that one last HPT back in the closet and basically gave up. When beta was eventually drawn, it was a much expected BFN.
The beta for this FET was scheduled for today, but I planned on going in tomorrow morning because it is generally frowned upon to miss work in this first week back at school. Knowing that I needed to POAS, I decided to test this morning. I just knew yesterday as I was thinking (OK, stressing) about it that it would be a BFN and that testing right before going to work probably wasn't a good idea.
But I did it anyway...
Not only were there two lines, but the second line was a big, fat dark line that showed up almost immediately. I honestly could not believe what I was seeing.
I jumped in the shower while C was still sleeping in the other room and I was literally crying the whole time. I was in such a tizzy this morning that I forgot to put on moisturizer or makeup, and an itchy patch of skin on my temple is reminding me of this fact. I left in a hurry and I haven't stopped smiling since.
I am going in for beta tomorrow and I am hoping for a good beta number since the line was so dark and appeared so quickly. I really want to surprise C with the news, but I want the beta call first. Luckily, he will be paintballing with friends all day tomorrow, so I can wait for the call and plan something all day without having him around.
Please let this be it! Everything is just too perfect for this to fail...
I consider IVFs and FETs to be "high stakes cycling." Each one is expensive and requires an incredible time commitment and emotional toll. It really is a grueling process to endure and the BFNs are even more painful.
That said, I cannot sit around on beta day waiting for that call. I would go absolutely insane. So I POAS first. During IVF #1, I bought a big ol' megapack of FRER HPTs and started testing a few days before beta. After several consecutive BFNs, I put that one last HPT back in the closet and basically gave up. When beta was eventually drawn, it was a much expected BFN.
The beta for this FET was scheduled for today, but I planned on going in tomorrow morning because it is generally frowned upon to miss work in this first week back at school. Knowing that I needed to POAS, I decided to test this morning. I just knew yesterday as I was thinking (OK, stressing) about it that it would be a BFN and that testing right before going to work probably wasn't a good idea.
But I did it anyway...
Not only were there two lines, but the second line was a big, fat dark line that showed up almost immediately. I honestly could not believe what I was seeing.
I jumped in the shower while C was still sleeping in the other room and I was literally crying the whole time. I was in such a tizzy this morning that I forgot to put on moisturizer or makeup, and an itchy patch of skin on my temple is reminding me of this fact. I left in a hurry and I haven't stopped smiling since.
I am going in for beta tomorrow and I am hoping for a good beta number since the line was so dark and appeared so quickly. I really want to surprise C with the news, but I want the beta call first. Luckily, he will be paintballing with friends all day tomorrow, so I can wait for the call and plan something all day without having him around.
Please let this be it! Everything is just too perfect for this to fail...
Charmed
As I have mentioned on many occasions, I am an active poster on the Infertility and Infertility Veterans boards on the Bump. I honestly don't know how I would have managed this whole journey without the experience, expertise and support of the ladies on these boards. In the past, there have been several exchanges in which active posters exchange addresses, then send Valentine cards, lucky socks, Halloween candies and the like to all the women in the pool.
A few weeks ago, a fellow IFVet suggested an exchange to create a Pandora-style charm bracelet. Though Pandora/Camilia/Troll charms can cost $20 - $50, there are several sites on the web with charms under $5. Each participant purchases her own bracelet, then chooses a charm of significance to the board and orders a bunch of them. Then she creates a card describing the meaning or significance of the charm and ships it off to each of the other ladies in the exchange. In the end, each participant has a fully-loaded charm bracelet filled with the wishes and support of the board.
For my charm, I went through hundreds of designs and finally settled on a silvertone Celtic knot bead. I'm not usually overly sentimental, but this seemed to click for me. Despite the fact that we are all separated by geography, culture and time, we share this bond of supporting each other. My explanation that I sent and a picture of the bead itself are included below:
I really enjoyed choosing the charm, but I am really looking forward to creating a bracelet loaded with so much sentiment and support. When dealing with IF, you really need several different kinds of support. Most of us are lucky enough to have the support of our partners and families, but the support of someone who really understands is rare. Even though our connection is purely web-based, the boards have provided that support time and time again and I really look forward to wearing a symbol of that connection on my wrist.
At this point, I have received several charms and I am waiting on a few more. As soon as the bracelet is complete, I will post a picture here.
A few weeks ago, a fellow IFVet suggested an exchange to create a Pandora-style charm bracelet. Though Pandora/Camilia/Troll charms can cost $20 - $50, there are several sites on the web with charms under $5. Each participant purchases her own bracelet, then chooses a charm of significance to the board and orders a bunch of them. Then she creates a card describing the meaning or significance of the charm and ships it off to each of the other ladies in the exchange. In the end, each participant has a fully-loaded charm bracelet filled with the wishes and support of the board.
For my charm, I went through hundreds of designs and finally settled on a silvertone Celtic knot bead. I'm not usually overly sentimental, but this seemed to click for me. Despite the fact that we are all separated by geography, culture and time, we share this bond of supporting each other. My explanation that I sent and a picture of the bead itself are included below:
I really enjoyed choosing the charm, but I am really looking forward to creating a bracelet loaded with so much sentiment and support. When dealing with IF, you really need several different kinds of support. Most of us are lucky enough to have the support of our partners and families, but the support of someone who really understands is rare. Even though our connection is purely web-based, the boards have provided that support time and time again and I really look forward to wearing a symbol of that connection on my wrist.
At this point, I have received several charms and I am waiting on a few more. As soon as the bracelet is complete, I will post a picture here.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Please Please Please Stick!
As much as I knew that this FET would be the end of the road for a while, it really sunk in today when we were at our ET.
Technically, the fund of money that we had set aside for IVF is gone, but the FET by comparison was pretty affordable and we could have scraped together for another one. Yesterday morning, however, they defrosted all three of our remaining embryos hoping to choose the best two and refreeze the leftover loner. Unfortunately, this was not the case.
While the two embryos that we transferred today were further developed than the three-day seven- and eight-cells from before, we lost the third embryo. It stopped growing and was actually regressing, so they deemed it "not worth saving."
Of the two that we transferred, one was a solid eight-cell morula well on its way to becoming the highly-sought blastocyst. The second had a few dead cells on the perimeter (yikes!), but was a still-growing partial morula. Hopefully, that's OK...
I'm sitting in our basement in our new recliner loveseat (much comfier than laying in bed!) just wasting time. Tomorrow will be my first time doing bedrest completely alone as C will be at work and no one else really knows that I'm even on bedrest.
Just to reassure myself in whatever way possible, I made C buy a pineapple today to do the whole pineapple-core-to-improve-implantation thing. Whatever. At least it makes me feel slightly more in control of a situation that is basically out of my control. Blah. And on to the 2ww...
Technically, the fund of money that we had set aside for IVF is gone, but the FET by comparison was pretty affordable and we could have scraped together for another one. Yesterday morning, however, they defrosted all three of our remaining embryos hoping to choose the best two and refreeze the leftover loner. Unfortunately, this was not the case.
While the two embryos that we transferred today were further developed than the three-day seven- and eight-cells from before, we lost the third embryo. It stopped growing and was actually regressing, so they deemed it "not worth saving."
Of the two that we transferred, one was a solid eight-cell morula well on its way to becoming the highly-sought blastocyst. The second had a few dead cells on the perimeter (yikes!), but was a still-growing partial morula. Hopefully, that's OK...
I'm sitting in our basement in our new recliner loveseat (much comfier than laying in bed!) just wasting time. Tomorrow will be my first time doing bedrest completely alone as C will be at work and no one else really knows that I'm even on bedrest.
Just to reassure myself in whatever way possible, I made C buy a pineapple today to do the whole pineapple-core-to-improve-implantation thing. Whatever. At least it makes me feel slightly more in control of a situation that is basically out of my control. Blah. And on to the 2ww...
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Meds-Related Unpleasantness
Due to the nature of IF treatments, you can never really predict how you will react and which meds and procedures will be quick and easy and which will be horrendously unpleasant.
For many women, the HSG, ERs and even Menopur injections can be really painful. For me, these were a breeze and I would take subcutaneous injections all day long if I could avoid an intramuscular one.
This FET has been pretty easy so far, but I must admit that today was the beginning of some mild unpleasantness. On the mild side, I started taking the antibiotics and the steroid Medrol. Blech. I know this sounds insane, but those pills taste so freakin' bad. They taste like that stuff that you paint onto your nails to stop nail biting - just burning wretched bitter. I have tried a bunch of different ways to take it without tasting it, but it's tough. It even begins to break down in your mouth when it touches the water and just fills your mouth with that taste. It's just awful.
I also had my first PIO shot this morning. C had to give it because a.) I had to get it before noon and my cousin wouldn't have been available, and b.) we're not really sharing this FET with many people, just in case it fails. Therefore, he had to do it. Since my only IM shots in the past were triggers, I have always had my cousin do it. That was easy enough because I only needed it once per month. I will need these PIO shots each day, so it was time that C learned how to do it.
Last night, we watched some videos on the Freedom Fertility website and some amateur YouTube ones so that he would know what to do. I also walked him through it since I have experienced it quite a few times.
Because C had to work today, we had to do the shot at 7am before he left. There was a bit of a learning curve in drawing up the oil - apparently it's not as easy as drawing up water-based meds. I went through two syringes trying to get it right. By the time he got his crap together and I drew up the meds, he was running late, so he was hurrying me, which is exactly what I feared would happen. It really wasn't bad, though.
Within the next few hours, I could still feel the injection site despite C massaging it in as the directions dictated. Even though the injection wasn't as bad as I had feared, I can see how this could get pretty bruisy and painful with repeated daily injection. Yuck.
For many women, the HSG, ERs and even Menopur injections can be really painful. For me, these were a breeze and I would take subcutaneous injections all day long if I could avoid an intramuscular one.
This FET has been pretty easy so far, but I must admit that today was the beginning of some mild unpleasantness. On the mild side, I started taking the antibiotics and the steroid Medrol. Blech. I know this sounds insane, but those pills taste so freakin' bad. They taste like that stuff that you paint onto your nails to stop nail biting - just burning wretched bitter. I have tried a bunch of different ways to take it without tasting it, but it's tough. It even begins to break down in your mouth when it touches the water and just fills your mouth with that taste. It's just awful.
I also had my first PIO shot this morning. C had to give it because a.) I had to get it before noon and my cousin wouldn't have been available, and b.) we're not really sharing this FET with many people, just in case it fails. Therefore, he had to do it. Since my only IM shots in the past were triggers, I have always had my cousin do it. That was easy enough because I only needed it once per month. I will need these PIO shots each day, so it was time that C learned how to do it.
Last night, we watched some videos on the Freedom Fertility website and some amateur YouTube ones so that he would know what to do. I also walked him through it since I have experienced it quite a few times.
Because C had to work today, we had to do the shot at 7am before he left. There was a bit of a learning curve in drawing up the oil - apparently it's not as easy as drawing up water-based meds. I went through two syringes trying to get it right. By the time he got his crap together and I drew up the meds, he was running late, so he was hurrying me, which is exactly what I feared would happen. It really wasn't bad, though.
Within the next few hours, I could still feel the injection site despite C massaging it in as the directions dictated. Even though the injection wasn't as bad as I had feared, I can see how this could get pretty bruisy and painful with repeated daily injection. Yuck.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
It's On... Again!
This morning was my monitoring check-in for FET #1 and it seems like the news was good. My lining was a 14 and looked "very good." I'm not sure to what extent the Estrace played a role in that as my lining is always pretty good.
I finally got the call earlier this evening with our instructions for the FET and fortunately everything fell into place nicely. This was also one of the rare occasions when I had a pen and paper handy for writing down all the information, and it's a good thing because there was a lot to know.
Here are the levels:
Estradiol: 205
Progesterone: 0.4
LH: 8
FSH: 3
And here is the plan:
Estrace - I am going to continue with the three oral pills per day, but tonight is the last vaginal dose.
Progesterone - Tomorrow I need a 1cc PIO shot before noon, then on Friday I will begin 2cc shots once per day in the evening. I will also begin with the progesterone suppositories tomorrow night, then Friday begin with both morning and bedtime doses.
Antibiotics/Steroid - Begin both oral meds tomorrow for five days.
Transfer - The transfer is set for Sunday. An embryologist will call me tomorrow with the results of the thaw and how our embies are developing. The timing works out perfectly so that C is off work to take me to transfer and we don't miss his big show on Saturday night.
I finally got the call earlier this evening with our instructions for the FET and fortunately everything fell into place nicely. This was also one of the rare occasions when I had a pen and paper handy for writing down all the information, and it's a good thing because there was a lot to know.
Here are the levels:
Estradiol: 205
Progesterone: 0.4
LH: 8
FSH: 3
And here is the plan:
Estrace - I am going to continue with the three oral pills per day, but tonight is the last vaginal dose.
Progesterone - Tomorrow I need a 1cc PIO shot before noon, then on Friday I will begin 2cc shots once per day in the evening. I will also begin with the progesterone suppositories tomorrow night, then Friday begin with both morning and bedtime doses.
Antibiotics/Steroid - Begin both oral meds tomorrow for five days.
Transfer - The transfer is set for Sunday. An embryologist will call me tomorrow with the results of the thaw and how our embies are developing. The timing works out perfectly so that C is off work to take me to transfer and we don't miss his big show on Saturday night.
~~~
To be perfectly honest, I am terrified of this PIO shot. I have read a lot about how painful they can be and C has never given an IM shot, so I am pretty worried. It also seems like a ton of progesterone! In the past during the diagnostic cycle and IVF #1, I was taking 200mg or 400mg of progesterone suppositories. This time, I am taking 400mg of suppositories in addition to the PIO.
I am really hopeful, though, and I am not sure why. I am not a religious person, so I always seem to revert to my notions of superstitions and fate. This cycle just seems luckier than IVF #1 - it just seems to make sense.
I was reluctant to tell too many people about IVF #1 because I was afraid that they would be wondering about timing, symptoms and eventually our success. The fewer people that know about a cycle, the fewer people need to be told that it was a BFN. So many relatives, however, were concerned for us and knew that we were finally attempting it that it was inevitable that everyone knew.
This time, I only told my mom about the FET, and I actually was thinking about not telling her either. Unless she told more people, she is the only one who knows. That is comforting to me for some reason.
Also, this cycle is just so perfect. It's the end of our money (which sucks and scares the sh*t out of me), and it is also the end of the summer. If this fails, I honestly do not know what we will do next. I can't imagine how I could do a fresh cycle during work and that terrifies me. There is also the constant torment of the "due date game."
Every IFer I have known does this to herself, too. You can't help but calculate what the due date would be for each cycle, and this one is a beauty. If this FET worked, we would be due in mid-May. I would require almost no maternity leave (which is great because the leave pay at my job is terrible) and would miss very little of the school year. At the risk of overthinking it, it would be perfect.
Monday, August 20, 2012
You call that EZ?
Umm, so this so-called "EZ" diet is not going too well. I was really dedicated for the first week or so, but even though I was following the rules, it felt really unhealthy.
Go ahead and Google it. The EZ Fertility Diet is all over the web. Basically, the diet has a "no-no" group, a "so-so" group and "everything else." The idea is to avoid the foods on the no-no list, limit 1-2 servings per day of the so-so and then go for it with everything else. Of course, the no-no list includes my primary addictions - wheat, flour, sugar, potatoes, bananas and baked goods.
I have known for a long time that I have a relationship with carbs that is not unlike Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It's no secret that food isn't just food in my life. I'm not as bad as many people that I know, but I didn't get this way from my healthy eating habits. I know this. The first time a doctor suggested trying the South Beach Diet, it became abundantly clear just how much I (and everyone else, for that matter) is really chemically addicted to sugars and wheat products. My memory of those first few weeks was like Leonardo DiCaprio thrashing in withdrawal-related agony in the Basketball Diaries. It really was like coming off of some hard stuff. Headaches. Nausea. Exhaustion. All of it. (And, yes, that paragraph alone contained two movie references...)
So when I saw the EZ diet, I figured it was something I should probably try as it would force me to confront my kryptonite. My downfall. The Darth to my Jedi. (Let's just keep going with the movie allusions...)
At first, it wasn't bad. I was doing pretty well. But there was no restriction on corn and corn products, which I thought was really weird. It was also really hard to find things that I could eat at restaurants other than salad and salad is risky for two reasons. One, it doesn't really keep me full and inter-meal hunger is a serious danger zone. Second, and this is definitely a tangent, it has come into vogue in the past few years to throw "field greens," "mesclun," and other nasty bullsh*t in salads and I seriously cannot get that crap down. They are even putting a decorative layer of these yard clippings on salads and McDonald's and now I am afraid to order salads anywhere. I know it's healthier than iceberg and romaine, but I really hate that crap and I can't eat it. OK. Tangent over. Back to the topic at hand.
Even though I was following the rules, I felt like a fat slob. At one point, instead of eating healthier things that I normally would have ordered, I was eating corn chips and guacamole at a party because it was the only thing there that I could eat. At another event, the only thing that fit the bill was a bunless hot dog and some popcorn. How can this be what I am supposed to be doing? I was confused.
I was also gaining weight. Not a lot, but enough to piss me off. So I kinda gave it up. For the first few days, I definitely indulged in a few (or a lot) of the things that I wasn't allowed to eat before. Then I evened out and went back to normal not-so-healthy-but-not-so-bad-either. And now I am trying to get back on the wagon with MyFitnessPal.
When I tracked everything I ate in my phone, it forced me to think critically about what I was eating and be held accountable. It wasn't really a whopping success, but at least weight was coming off or leveling off, it wasn't coming on.
So here's the plan for now, based on upping the standards on what has worked previously:
- limit flour and sugar products, but not cut them out completely
- pack breakfasts for work
- don't be a fat idiot at lunch and go straight to salad bar
- track all foods in phone
- cook at home more often
- get your @ss to the gym on a regular routine
Baby steps, right?
Go ahead and Google it. The EZ Fertility Diet is all over the web. Basically, the diet has a "no-no" group, a "so-so" group and "everything else." The idea is to avoid the foods on the no-no list, limit 1-2 servings per day of the so-so and then go for it with everything else. Of course, the no-no list includes my primary addictions - wheat, flour, sugar, potatoes, bananas and baked goods.
I have known for a long time that I have a relationship with carbs that is not unlike Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It's no secret that food isn't just food in my life. I'm not as bad as many people that I know, but I didn't get this way from my healthy eating habits. I know this. The first time a doctor suggested trying the South Beach Diet, it became abundantly clear just how much I (and everyone else, for that matter) is really chemically addicted to sugars and wheat products. My memory of those first few weeks was like Leonardo DiCaprio thrashing in withdrawal-related agony in the Basketball Diaries. It really was like coming off of some hard stuff. Headaches. Nausea. Exhaustion. All of it. (And, yes, that paragraph alone contained two movie references...)
So when I saw the EZ diet, I figured it was something I should probably try as it would force me to confront my kryptonite. My downfall. The Darth to my Jedi. (Let's just keep going with the movie allusions...)
At first, it wasn't bad. I was doing pretty well. But there was no restriction on corn and corn products, which I thought was really weird. It was also really hard to find things that I could eat at restaurants other than salad and salad is risky for two reasons. One, it doesn't really keep me full and inter-meal hunger is a serious danger zone. Second, and this is definitely a tangent, it has come into vogue in the past few years to throw "field greens," "mesclun," and other nasty bullsh*t in salads and I seriously cannot get that crap down. They are even putting a decorative layer of these yard clippings on salads and McDonald's and now I am afraid to order salads anywhere. I know it's healthier than iceberg and romaine, but I really hate that crap and I can't eat it. OK. Tangent over. Back to the topic at hand.
Even though I was following the rules, I felt like a fat slob. At one point, instead of eating healthier things that I normally would have ordered, I was eating corn chips and guacamole at a party because it was the only thing there that I could eat. At another event, the only thing that fit the bill was a bunless hot dog and some popcorn. How can this be what I am supposed to be doing? I was confused.
I was also gaining weight. Not a lot, but enough to piss me off. So I kinda gave it up. For the first few days, I definitely indulged in a few (or a lot) of the things that I wasn't allowed to eat before. Then I evened out and went back to normal not-so-healthy-but-not-so-bad-either. And now I am trying to get back on the wagon with MyFitnessPal.
When I tracked everything I ate in my phone, it forced me to think critically about what I was eating and be held accountable. It wasn't really a whopping success, but at least weight was coming off or leveling off, it wasn't coming on.
So here's the plan for now, based on upping the standards on what has worked previously:
- limit flour and sugar products, but not cut them out completely
- pack breakfasts for work
- don't be a fat idiot at lunch and go straight to salad bar
- track all foods in phone
- cook at home more often
- get your @ss to the gym on a regular routine
Baby steps, right?
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Crap That I Just Need to Say
On the boards, we call it "getting flamed." It's when you post something controversial or opinionated and everyone jumps on it and posts outraged and equally opinionated responses, basically ripping you and your post to shreds. This post might be flameworthy, but I just need to say it.
Firstly, one of the many frustrations of IF is watching others get pregnant when you can't, particularly when the question of "deserving it" becomes an issue. Yeah, I know, no one can judge who "deserves" to be a parent, but it is rather galling that so many abusers and neglectful people seem to procreate effortlessly. And, yeah, I also know that other people's ability or inability to reproduce has absolutely no effect on my ability.
Well, this blog isn't always about what is, but what it feels like.
Today I learned that an old friend from high school is expecting her second child. She is a year younger than I am and already has a six year-old son. For most of his life, he has been living with her parents as she has dealt with addiction and several other risky behaviors. She got married a few years ago to her current husband and this is their first child together.
My brain says that I hope that this turns a new leaf for her and her husband. I hope that she has cleaned up and dealt with her issues and that this is the beginning of a new chapter.
My heart, however, says "f*ck you." What kind of sh*t is that? C and I have worked tirelessly for years to prepare for this and here we are with nothing.
Seriously, I cannot remember the last time I saw an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter in which the accused fugitive did not have children. Hell, the kids are often flopping around in the backseat of the getaway vehicle while the chase rages on or crying in the background of the squalid apartment.
According to government statistics, nearly 10% of all children in this country live with at least one parent who abuses alcohol or drugs. More than half of all child welfare cases are related to substance abuse in parents.
I don't know that many criminals and addicts, but every single one that I know, both personally and just through distant connections, has children. Every. Stinking. One.
I'm not trying to be a judgey b*tch, or even a selfish b*tch. As someone who really, truly cares about children, this is crazy to me and it makes me angry and sad. Not only have I dedicated every free moment and penny in the past three-and-a-half years to having a child of our own, I have dedicated the last ten years of my life to children as a teacher, education student and community outreach worker.
I know that I am just a person and I do not get to judge who is deserving of children. But I am certainly allowed to wonder and even just complain about the enormous unfairness of it all.
I have been that teacher who had to sit in an intervention meeting about a child who was being abused. I have had to file reports with local agencies as a mandated reporter when I saw signs of abuse on my own student. I have wondered what to do when I watched a mother drink a bottle of wine and take a handful of pills and pass out as her children looked on.
I have also looked at negative pregnancy tests for a consecutive 41 months. I have injected myself with meds three times per day and taken handfuls of vitamins and supplements. I have spent thousands of dollars, driven hundreds of miles and met with dozens of doctors and nurses.
And it f*cking sucks. It's stupid. I'm angry at the unfairness of it all. I know that I am fortunate to be in a position to do these things and that I should be thankful for the wonderful life that I lead with C. Most days, I am more positive than negative. But when I hear that yet another person in my life is expecting a child in difficult circumstances such as those listed above, I get a little peeved. This post is me giving a big fat middle finger to infertilty because it's stupid, unfair bullsh*t.
When I shut down my computer tonight, I will go upstairs and lay in my bed in my beautiful home with the man I love and two furry piles of canine perfection. And I will be grateful and I will know that I would rather spend my childless life here with this husband and this family than be in someone else's shoes for one minute. But for now, I am putting this toxic hostility out there in the cloud instead of keeping it in me.
And her Facebook announcement? I'm not "liking" it. You know why? Because I don't like it. So there.
Firstly, one of the many frustrations of IF is watching others get pregnant when you can't, particularly when the question of "deserving it" becomes an issue. Yeah, I know, no one can judge who "deserves" to be a parent, but it is rather galling that so many abusers and neglectful people seem to procreate effortlessly. And, yeah, I also know that other people's ability or inability to reproduce has absolutely no effect on my ability.
Well, this blog isn't always about what is, but what it feels like.
Today I learned that an old friend from high school is expecting her second child. She is a year younger than I am and already has a six year-old son. For most of his life, he has been living with her parents as she has dealt with addiction and several other risky behaviors. She got married a few years ago to her current husband and this is their first child together.
My brain says that I hope that this turns a new leaf for her and her husband. I hope that she has cleaned up and dealt with her issues and that this is the beginning of a new chapter.
My heart, however, says "f*ck you." What kind of sh*t is that? C and I have worked tirelessly for years to prepare for this and here we are with nothing.
Seriously, I cannot remember the last time I saw an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter in which the accused fugitive did not have children. Hell, the kids are often flopping around in the backseat of the getaway vehicle while the chase rages on or crying in the background of the squalid apartment.
According to government statistics, nearly 10% of all children in this country live with at least one parent who abuses alcohol or drugs. More than half of all child welfare cases are related to substance abuse in parents.
I don't know that many criminals and addicts, but every single one that I know, both personally and just through distant connections, has children. Every. Stinking. One.
I'm not trying to be a judgey b*tch, or even a selfish b*tch. As someone who really, truly cares about children, this is crazy to me and it makes me angry and sad. Not only have I dedicated every free moment and penny in the past three-and-a-half years to having a child of our own, I have dedicated the last ten years of my life to children as a teacher, education student and community outreach worker.
I know that I am just a person and I do not get to judge who is deserving of children. But I am certainly allowed to wonder and even just complain about the enormous unfairness of it all.
I have been that teacher who had to sit in an intervention meeting about a child who was being abused. I have had to file reports with local agencies as a mandated reporter when I saw signs of abuse on my own student. I have wondered what to do when I watched a mother drink a bottle of wine and take a handful of pills and pass out as her children looked on.
I have also looked at negative pregnancy tests for a consecutive 41 months. I have injected myself with meds three times per day and taken handfuls of vitamins and supplements. I have spent thousands of dollars, driven hundreds of miles and met with dozens of doctors and nurses.
And it f*cking sucks. It's stupid. I'm angry at the unfairness of it all. I know that I am fortunate to be in a position to do these things and that I should be thankful for the wonderful life that I lead with C. Most days, I am more positive than negative. But when I hear that yet another person in my life is expecting a child in difficult circumstances such as those listed above, I get a little peeved. This post is me giving a big fat middle finger to infertilty because it's stupid, unfair bullsh*t.
When I shut down my computer tonight, I will go upstairs and lay in my bed in my beautiful home with the man I love and two furry piles of canine perfection. And I will be grateful and I will know that I would rather spend my childless life here with this husband and this family than be in someone else's shoes for one minute. But for now, I am putting this toxic hostility out there in the cloud instead of keeping it in me.
And her Facebook announcement? I'm not "liking" it. You know why? Because I don't like it. So there.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
More Estrace, Please
Today is the day to add another Estrace tablet to my dosage. I generally am one of those people who never has side effects from meds, but I have had some cramping in my right ovary area for the past two days. It comes and goes, so I haven't really worried about it, but I do have to wonder if I didn't form a cyst of some kind.
According to Dr. Google, side effects for Estrace are mostly uncommon and they include symptoms like spotting, mild nausea, breast tenderness and hair loss. (Yikes!) Nothing was mentioned of cramping, however. That's what makes me think that there may be a cyst, and hope that its not going to be a problem.
Despite my numerous medicated cycles in the past, I never produced too many follicles or experienced anything close to OHSS. Stims can cause cysts, however, and I have had a cyst or two in the past from just Clomid cycles. I guess that means it's entirely possible that all that Menopur and Bravelle could have caused a residual cyst.
Of course, this is all semi-panicked IF paranoia based on nothing, but it is possible. During a FET cycle, pretty much the only things that need to be closely monitored are lining and estradiol. Just as luck would have it, cysts can elevate estradiol and on top of that, I am taking lots of Estrace. Oy.
It's probably nothing and maybe the cramping was just a one off, but when you are used to being monitored 3-4 times per week, no monitoring can let your imagination run wild.
OK, put the crazy thoughts away, MM, and just get on with it...
According to Dr. Google, side effects for Estrace are mostly uncommon and they include symptoms like spotting, mild nausea, breast tenderness and hair loss. (Yikes!) Nothing was mentioned of cramping, however. That's what makes me think that there may be a cyst, and hope that its not going to be a problem.
Despite my numerous medicated cycles in the past, I never produced too many follicles or experienced anything close to OHSS. Stims can cause cysts, however, and I have had a cyst or two in the past from just Clomid cycles. I guess that means it's entirely possible that all that Menopur and Bravelle could have caused a residual cyst.
Of course, this is all semi-panicked IF paranoia based on nothing, but it is possible. During a FET cycle, pretty much the only things that need to be closely monitored are lining and estradiol. Just as luck would have it, cysts can elevate estradiol and on top of that, I am taking lots of Estrace. Oy.
It's probably nothing and maybe the cramping was just a one off, but when you are used to being monitored 3-4 times per week, no monitoring can let your imagination run wild.
OK, put the crazy thoughts away, MM, and just get on with it...
Monday, August 13, 2012
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Things That are Good Right Now
C and I have really been enjoying a lot of time together. Redecorating and rearranging our basement has made a huge improvement on the amount of quality time we spend together.
While he was at practice yesterday, I went to a performance of my dad and his wife's music school while they performed a song together. I was pleasantly surprised to see that several family members were able to make it, so it was a good time. Afterwards, I ran a few errands then went back to my dad's for dinner.
Yesterday evening, my younger cousin returned from a cruise of the Caribbean and announced that he and his girlfriend of 5+ years got engaged on the trip! Needless to say, we were all very excited. He is the only boy in the family and the youngest, so he is like a son to all the aunts and like a little brother to me.
I also cannot overstate how pleased I am that we have the opportunity to cycle again this month. Many REs require a month or two of suppression on BCPs, so I was really glad that we could jump right in. Aside from the scheduling difficulty of cycling during the school year, it is so nice to just quietly cycle alone without having to explain my whereabouts to a bunch of coworkers.
Things That are Bad Right Now
I haven't been feeling 100% pretty much all week. I am pretty much over the emotional blow of the BFN and I am just back to the default bumpy sadness of bring childless. I feel great a lot of the time, and not-so-great some of the time. Physically, however, I don't feel my best.
I started the "EZ" fertility diet recently and didn't feel much different. I fell off the wagon a bit this weekend, but I am hoping to get back on schedule this week. I think I need to be a bit stricter with myself, however, because the food I was eating (and allowed to eat) didn't feel all that healthy.
There are no restrictions on caffeine or diet sodas on the diet, though, so I have been back to that a bit. I have had caffeine-like headaches each day and I think the change in my eating has led to some weird blood sugar disruptions that have made me feel a little off.
This summer, however, has been lonely much like last summer. I consciously chose not to overplan for the summer leaving plenty of time for RE appointments, procedures and bedrest, but that means that the lulls are pretty lonely. Everyone in my life is working all day or busy with their children and families, so it feels really weird to be literally the only one left behind with nothing to do.
Obviously, when you spend this much time bored and alone, you can't help but fixate on what you should be doing. Sure, I should be going to the gym or working on more crafts or whatever, but every cell in my body tells me that I should be taking care of our baby. I should be running errands for baby, feeding baby, doing baby's laundry, taking baby to visit C, Mom and Dad at work, taking baby to visit other friends and their kids.
My friends basically break down into two groups and surprisingly, there really is no overlap: single friends from college who are still working diligently in academia and career and married friends from work with at least two kids.
Some of my friends from college are in relationships, but none of those relationships are more than a year old and no one is headed to the altar, for sure. They are writing dissertations and excavating archaeological sites and screenwriting web comedies and attending writing conferences and studying for the bar exam. They are living in bustling cities like NY and LA, working, networking, attending events and drinking expensive cocktails in the evening. I still feel incredibly close to these friends and, quite honestly, I don't really envy their lifestyle. I did the academic thing, too, attending graduate school in the city, going to Ivy League happy hours and writing massive narratives about social justice, but I did it right out of college. I did it right away because even then I knew that C and I wanted to start a life together, start a family together.
When I entered the working world, I made a whole new crop of friends and, at the risk of sounding like a total-ivory-tower-@sshole, they are much more conventional. They are also good friends that make for great company at work and always remember birthdays, but I find that I am the only one left without children. Not only do their lives revolve around their children, which I know mine also will, but they are really into talking about all of the parenting things to which I cannot relate. It's one thing to show me pictures of your daughter winning the regional gymnastic championship or telling me a funny story about your kid's new catch phrase, but conversations about the merits of Pampers over Huggies is just isolating. I can't tell you anything about diaper rash or stretch marks and I certainly have no complaints about being a mom other than the fact that I'm not one and wish I was. Frankly, I don't give a sh*t about the expiration dates on Gymboree coupons and I hope that I will be a much more interesting mom than that.
I have lots of friends and I am super close to my whole family, but most days, there is not a single person I could call just to hang out. For someone as hyper-social as I am, that's really lonely.
Things That are Just Ugly (and in this case, "ugly" means TMI...)
I mentioned already that I am not feeling quite up to my normal spectacular self lately, but I didn't mention the ol' AF. Because it's gross.
There have always been two things that I could count on with complete regularity - my mom calling at 4pm every weekday and 9am on Saturdays, and my period being on time and following the same short, light sequence of events. Very rarely are either of these patterns interrupted.
This has been the longest and heaviest period of my life. If this month's AF were extra heavy, I would chalk it up to the Estrace plumping up the lining, but I didn't take any Estrace this past month. If I had taken Clomid, I would expect the distinct... umm... coloring and... uhh... texture. But no, this month has been heavy for me, which, from what I understand from other women, is about normal or light for everyone else. It also hasn't taken its typical 12-14 hour pause on CD4 or CD5. We are now heading into CD7 and it is just nearly ending. That is really long for me, too.
Does this mean that my body actually knew something was up last month? Or did the stims and cramping just wreak havoc? I have no idea what any of this means, other than the fact that I'm not used to having cramps that interfere with my life. Luckily, it seems to be wrapping up.
C and I have really been enjoying a lot of time together. Redecorating and rearranging our basement has made a huge improvement on the amount of quality time we spend together.
While he was at practice yesterday, I went to a performance of my dad and his wife's music school while they performed a song together. I was pleasantly surprised to see that several family members were able to make it, so it was a good time. Afterwards, I ran a few errands then went back to my dad's for dinner.
Yesterday evening, my younger cousin returned from a cruise of the Caribbean and announced that he and his girlfriend of 5+ years got engaged on the trip! Needless to say, we were all very excited. He is the only boy in the family and the youngest, so he is like a son to all the aunts and like a little brother to me.
I also cannot overstate how pleased I am that we have the opportunity to cycle again this month. Many REs require a month or two of suppression on BCPs, so I was really glad that we could jump right in. Aside from the scheduling difficulty of cycling during the school year, it is so nice to just quietly cycle alone without having to explain my whereabouts to a bunch of coworkers.
Things That are Bad Right Now
I haven't been feeling 100% pretty much all week. I am pretty much over the emotional blow of the BFN and I am just back to the default bumpy sadness of bring childless. I feel great a lot of the time, and not-so-great some of the time. Physically, however, I don't feel my best.
I started the "EZ" fertility diet recently and didn't feel much different. I fell off the wagon a bit this weekend, but I am hoping to get back on schedule this week. I think I need to be a bit stricter with myself, however, because the food I was eating (and allowed to eat) didn't feel all that healthy.
There are no restrictions on caffeine or diet sodas on the diet, though, so I have been back to that a bit. I have had caffeine-like headaches each day and I think the change in my eating has led to some weird blood sugar disruptions that have made me feel a little off.
This summer, however, has been lonely much like last summer. I consciously chose not to overplan for the summer leaving plenty of time for RE appointments, procedures and bedrest, but that means that the lulls are pretty lonely. Everyone in my life is working all day or busy with their children and families, so it feels really weird to be literally the only one left behind with nothing to do.
Obviously, when you spend this much time bored and alone, you can't help but fixate on what you should be doing. Sure, I should be going to the gym or working on more crafts or whatever, but every cell in my body tells me that I should be taking care of our baby. I should be running errands for baby, feeding baby, doing baby's laundry, taking baby to visit C, Mom and Dad at work, taking baby to visit other friends and their kids.
My friends basically break down into two groups and surprisingly, there really is no overlap: single friends from college who are still working diligently in academia and career and married friends from work with at least two kids.
Some of my friends from college are in relationships, but none of those relationships are more than a year old and no one is headed to the altar, for sure. They are writing dissertations and excavating archaeological sites and screenwriting web comedies and attending writing conferences and studying for the bar exam. They are living in bustling cities like NY and LA, working, networking, attending events and drinking expensive cocktails in the evening. I still feel incredibly close to these friends and, quite honestly, I don't really envy their lifestyle. I did the academic thing, too, attending graduate school in the city, going to Ivy League happy hours and writing massive narratives about social justice, but I did it right out of college. I did it right away because even then I knew that C and I wanted to start a life together, start a family together.
When I entered the working world, I made a whole new crop of friends and, at the risk of sounding like a total-ivory-tower-@sshole, they are much more conventional. They are also good friends that make for great company at work and always remember birthdays, but I find that I am the only one left without children. Not only do their lives revolve around their children, which I know mine also will, but they are really into talking about all of the parenting things to which I cannot relate. It's one thing to show me pictures of your daughter winning the regional gymnastic championship or telling me a funny story about your kid's new catch phrase, but conversations about the merits of Pampers over Huggies is just isolating. I can't tell you anything about diaper rash or stretch marks and I certainly have no complaints about being a mom other than the fact that I'm not one and wish I was. Frankly, I don't give a sh*t about the expiration dates on Gymboree coupons and I hope that I will be a much more interesting mom than that.
I have lots of friends and I am super close to my whole family, but most days, there is not a single person I could call just to hang out. For someone as hyper-social as I am, that's really lonely.
Things That are Just Ugly (and in this case, "ugly" means TMI...)
I mentioned already that I am not feeling quite up to my normal spectacular self lately, but I didn't mention the ol' AF. Because it's gross.
There have always been two things that I could count on with complete regularity - my mom calling at 4pm every weekday and 9am on Saturdays, and my period being on time and following the same short, light sequence of events. Very rarely are either of these patterns interrupted.
This has been the longest and heaviest period of my life. If this month's AF were extra heavy, I would chalk it up to the Estrace plumping up the lining, but I didn't take any Estrace this past month. If I had taken Clomid, I would expect the distinct... umm... coloring and... uhh... texture. But no, this month has been heavy for me, which, from what I understand from other women, is about normal or light for everyone else. It also hasn't taken its typical 12-14 hour pause on CD4 or CD5. We are now heading into CD7 and it is just nearly ending. That is really long for me, too.
Does this mean that my body actually knew something was up last month? Or did the stims and cramping just wreak havoc? I have no idea what any of this means, other than the fact that I'm not used to having cramps that interfere with my life. Luckily, it seems to be wrapping up.
~~~
As far as cycling goes, it practically feels like I'm not cycling at all aside from those PIO vials staring me down with their threatening presence. I'm only taking Estrace two times per day right now and tomorrow I will start taking them three times per day. I feel like there is so little to report considering how many meds were involved last month.
We won't know for another while whether or not our embies survive the thaw, so that's a post for another day. For now, I am just trying to stay hopeful, but not too hopeful. The IF optimist in my head keeps saying that a BFP this month would give us an absolutely ideal mid-May due date. The b*tch IF pessimist in my head, however, keeps reminding me that if this doesn't work, we are out of embies and out of money...
Let's see who wins.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Oh, the difference a FET makes!
My CD3 baseline was this morning, thanks to my zippy AF after stopping progesterone and we are already on a roll for FET #1. Today my lining was a 10 and I was given instructions to begin Estrace.
Here's the protocol so far:
- start Estrace today, one orally and one vaginally
- on 8/14, two orally and one vaginally
- on 8/16, three orally and one vaginally
- back on 8/22 for blood work and ultrasound
Did you think anything about that was weird? Yeah, me too. I got a big ol' bottle of tiny Estrace tablets all mixed together, and yet I am going to be using some of them vaginally. Super weird.
Anyway, I was surprised by how easy this FET will be, both on me and on the wallet. When I spoke to the IVF nurse yesterday, she placed my order for meds and they were delivered today. The pharmacy was slightly concerned that they would have the progesterone suppositories in time for delivery. I thought for a moment that I might save them some effort by using the full bottle I still have in the fridge, but apparently the RE wants me on suppositories with the same dosage, but added vitamin E. Crud.
Of the six meds in my order, five of them were all under $10. That's right, under $10. What a difference from last time. The most expensive item was the progesterone injection oil, which was about $150. All together, it came in under $200, which was fantastic news to me. That PIO terrifies me, however.
For now, I am only taking the Estrace, but when PIO time comes, I am going to be one unhappy camper. It's an IM shot (and we all know how I feel about those) and it will be daily, possibly twice daily. Ugh.
Well, the sharps container is back out of the closet, meds are lined up on the dresser and we are a "go" for FET #1!
Here's the protocol so far:
- start Estrace today, one orally and one vaginally
- on 8/14, two orally and one vaginally
- on 8/16, three orally and one vaginally
- back on 8/22 for blood work and ultrasound
Did you think anything about that was weird? Yeah, me too. I got a big ol' bottle of tiny Estrace tablets all mixed together, and yet I am going to be using some of them vaginally. Super weird.
Anyway, I was surprised by how easy this FET will be, both on me and on the wallet. When I spoke to the IVF nurse yesterday, she placed my order for meds and they were delivered today. The pharmacy was slightly concerned that they would have the progesterone suppositories in time for delivery. I thought for a moment that I might save them some effort by using the full bottle I still have in the fridge, but apparently the RE wants me on suppositories with the same dosage, but added vitamin E. Crud.
Of the six meds in my order, five of them were all under $10. That's right, under $10. What a difference from last time. The most expensive item was the progesterone injection oil, which was about $150. All together, it came in under $200, which was fantastic news to me. That PIO terrifies me, however.
For now, I am only taking the Estrace, but when PIO time comes, I am going to be one unhappy camper. It's an IM shot (and we all know how I feel about those) and it will be daily, possibly twice daily. Ugh.
Well, the sharps container is back out of the closet, meds are lined up on the dresser and we are a "go" for FET #1!
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