Crap That I Just Need to Say

On the boards, we call it "getting flamed." It's when you post something controversial or opinionated and everyone jumps on it and posts outraged and equally opinionated responses, basically ripping you and your post to shreds. This post might be flameworthy, but I just need to say it.

Firstly, one of the many frustrations of IF is watching others get pregnant when you can't, particularly when the question of "deserving it" becomes an issue. Yeah, I know, no one can judge who "deserves" to be a parent, but it is rather galling that so many abusers and neglectful people seem to procreate effortlessly. And, yeah, I also know that other people's ability or inability to reproduce has absolutely no effect on my ability.

Well, this blog isn't always about what is, but what it feels like.

Today I learned that an old friend from high school is expecting her second child. She is a year younger than I am and already has a six year-old son. For most of his life, he has been living with her parents as she has dealt with addiction and several other risky behaviors. She got married a few years ago to her current husband and this is their first child together.

My brain says that I hope that this turns a new leaf for her and her husband. I hope that she has cleaned up and dealt with her issues and that this is the beginning of a new chapter.

My heart, however, says "f*ck you." What kind of sh*t is that? C and I have worked tirelessly for years to prepare for this and here we are with nothing.

Seriously, I cannot remember the last time I saw an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter in which the accused fugitive did not have children. Hell, the kids are often flopping around in the backseat of the getaway vehicle while the chase rages on or crying in the background of the squalid apartment.

According to government statistics, nearly 10% of all children in this country live with at least one parent who abuses alcohol or drugs. More than half of all child welfare cases are related to substance abuse in parents.

I don't know that many criminals and addicts, but every single one that I know, both personally and just through distant connections, has children. Every. Stinking. One.

I'm not trying to be a judgey b*tch, or even a selfish b*tch. As someone who really, truly cares about children, this is crazy to me and it makes me angry and sad. Not only have I dedicated every free moment and penny in the past three-and-a-half years to having a child of our own, I have dedicated the last ten years of my life to children as a teacher, education student and community outreach worker.

I know that I am just a person and I do not get to judge who is deserving of children. But I am certainly allowed to wonder and even just complain about the enormous unfairness of it all.

I have been that teacher who had to sit in an intervention meeting about a child who was being abused. I have had to file reports with local agencies as a mandated reporter when I saw signs of abuse on my own student. I have wondered what to do when I watched a mother drink a bottle of wine and take a handful of pills and pass out as her children looked on.

I have also looked at negative pregnancy tests for a consecutive 41 months. I have injected myself with meds three times per day and taken handfuls of vitamins and supplements. I have spent thousands of dollars, driven hundreds of miles and met with dozens of doctors and nurses.

And it f*cking sucks. It's stupid. I'm angry at the unfairness of it all. I know that I am fortunate to be in a position to do these things and that I should be thankful for the wonderful life that I lead with C. Most days, I am more positive than negative. But when I hear that yet another person in my life is expecting a child in difficult circumstances such as those listed above, I get a little peeved. This post is me giving a big fat middle finger to infertilty because it's stupid, unfair bullsh*t.

When I shut down my computer tonight, I will go upstairs and lay in my bed in my beautiful home with the man I love and two furry piles of canine perfection. And I will be grateful and I will know that I would rather spend my childless life here with this husband and this family than be in someone else's shoes for one minute. But for now, I am putting this toxic hostility out there in the cloud instead of keeping it in me.

And her Facebook announcement? I'm not "liking" it. You know why? Because I don't like it. So there.