Better than I had feared...

Ever since I started POAS on Friday and was getting straight BFNs, I have been doing two things:

a. preparing myself for "the call" with the official BFN after beta
b. worrying about how much of a basketcase I would be

Right now, I am actually doing OK. I did the hour drive to Cooper this morning for my beta draw and was surprisingly at peace both ways. I am coming off of a weekend visit from a good college friend and we had a blast, so that really lifted my spirits. I am also heading out in about an hour for a meeting with a local independent school association to discuss a project I have been working on with a few former co-workers, so I have been distracted. "The call" will most likely come in while I am at this meeting, so that saves me the discomfort of hearing it from a live person in real time. Now I can just hear a recorded message and listen to it whenever I am ready.

I guess I have been preparing myself for the very real possibility of failure since long before my first injection, so it's been somewhat less painful. I have also been devoting some time and energy to prepping for an immediate FET, so that gives me some hope, I guess.

The only thing that is making this really hard is C's optimism. I almost didn't want him to know when beta was so that I could deal with this more deliberately, but the nurses went over the timeline with him, so he knows that's what I was doing today. He is excited and optimistic and that breaks my heart. I don't really want to have to break this to him later. Maybe we can just listen to the voicemail together so I don't have to be the one to do it.

~~~

Naturally for any neurotic IFer, what I have begun to do now is not only plan for an August or September FET, but also prepare for what to do if that fails. Or if the embies are poor quality. Or if they don't survive the thaw. At that point, we will be out of money and out of options.

Rubbing salt into the wound is some information that I learned this weekend about a friend. I was lucky enough to have two out-of-towner college friends in town this weekend and I learned some surprising news. My friend L was in town for another friend, S's wedding. I knew that S had met her husband very recently and that this was a rather quick wedding, but I did not know that she was 6 months pregnant with an "oops" baby conceived in their first month living together. That stung a little.

I will probably post again later tonight with the beta call, but for now, I am in a solemn, but not really sad or depressed mood. Just numb, I guess. I'll put it out of my mind for the next few hours, then we'll just have to see what the fallout is after "the call..."