POAS Wimp

For the past few days, I had planned on testing tomorrow morning with FMU. I even picked up a multi-pack of FRERs during my last trip to the grocery store. I figured that tomorrow is 8dp3dt and it should be long enough that the trigger is gone. Monday is beta, so I can test tomorrow, then maybe again on Saturday and Sunday just to be prepared.

...But now I am freaking out. I am thinking about chickening out and pushing it until Friday. I am so freakin' scared of that pee stick.

I can't stop thinking about it and I am going through waves at this point. For the first few days after ET, I was feeling really optimistic. I was feeling KTFU. Every symptom and every feeling felt like my body was doing what it was supposed to do and taking care of those embies. I also let the optimism of the nurses and doctors get to my head. They just seemed so sure. You would think they would know better...

Lately, however, it's been waves of doubt. All experience and evidence from my previous IF history would indicate that this won't work. After all, it often takes several cycles of IVF to have success even with picture perfect response, lining and embies. Also, there's that huge factor that we have never had a positive. Ever.

Even worse, C is so optimistic. He has been running around taking care of everything and I just so desperately don't want to disappoint him. We are beginning to run out of options and it scares the sh*t out of me.

Whether or not I will POAS tomorrow morning is still up for internal debate, but I am freakin' terrified.