Lists of Things

Here is a list of things that I have been feeling for the past few days:
- waves of nausea
- throbbing pelvic pains that suddenly disappear
- cramping, twinges and bloating, particularly on the right side of the ute
- mild breast tenderness
- sex dreams
- acid reflux and indigestion
- sore throat

Here is a list of symptoms associated with early pregnancy in the 2ww:
- waves of nausea
- pelvic pains
- cramping, twinges and bloating
- breast tenderness
- sex dreams
- acid reflux and indigestion

Here is a list of the side effects of progesterone therapy, regardless of result:
- waves of nausea
- pelvic pains
- cramping, twinges and bloating
- breast tenderness

Here is a list of things that often happen when we go more than 7-10 without sex, particularly when I am expressly prohibited from having a big-O of any kind:
- sex dreams

Here is a list of things that are not explained by any of the above:
- sore throat

What a mindf*ck. Seriously. Right now, I am not working, so I have nothing to do but sit here and think about every single goddamned ache, pain, feeling, twinge, signal, breath... And none of it is even that noticeable. As soon as I start doing something that occupies my mind, it all goes away.

Today, for example, I got up early with the dogs then relaxed watching TV for a while and fell back asleep for about a half hour. During this time, I felt the cramping, bloating, twinges, etc.

Later, I made lunch for C, cleaned out my car then took it to get washed. I heard a story on NPR recently about the probiotic properties of fermented foods and they interviewed a fascinating guy who discussed how easy, safe and healthy these food were. Naturally, because I am infertile and all of my friends are either spending quality time with their children, in graduate school or on archaeological digs in the UAE, I decided to devote the better part of my afternoon to cutting 6+ pounds of cabbage, coating it with pickling salt and pressing my own cabbage into a brine to make homemade sauerkraut. (If you were also infertile and alone all day, this would make perfect sense.) I also had to go out and get more mason jars in which to store my kraut in a week or two when it is ready.

My point, however, is not that I made a smashingly successful brine with just an old plastic bowl, a dinner plate and a towel, but that while I was distracted and happily pickling, I didn't feel a thing. Nada. I continued to have baby-related thoughts, but there was no real cramping, twinging or anything.

This leads me to believe that I am hyper-analyzing everything and that many of my symptoms are self-fulfilling prophecies. There is no question that there have been cramps and bloating and indigestion, but each of these things can be explained by several different factors, and early pregnancy is just one of them. The cruel irony is that I would not have been able to do IVF if not for all this free time, and now that free time is killing me.

~~~

I will end on this last thought... I realized today while I was flicking through my electronic calendar that I have an important meeting scheduled for beta day. I am meeting with the head of professional development for a large organization of many schools from all over the state. The meeting is in the afternoon, so the beta call will almost certainly come in while I am there and unable to answer it.

I knew that an IVF beta was just too high stakes to wait for the beta draw anyway, so despite my extreme apprehension about POAS normally, I will testing and testing often this time. I knew a while ago that I would test before beta, but today I realized just how important it will be. Just the thought of listening to that voicemail without an inkling of what to expect makes me nauseous. Oy.

This 2ww business is a unique form of torture. I can't wait to be out of it and wasting time on the internet in a new and different way, like pinning nursery ideas and setting up a registry instead of googling symptoms and constantly checking the boards.