IVF 2ww =/= IUI 2ww

An IUI 2ww is nothing like an IVF 2ww. Nothing. The stakes are so much higher and there is just so much more hope.

Ever since our two precious embies were transferred on Wednesday, it's all I can think about. I have felt on-and-off crampy pretty much the whole time and I am definitely analyzing every feeling.

During a typical IUI 2ww, of which I have had many, I always tried to ignore it. Stop thinking about it. Just power through the two weeks and don't test until beta. Much of this attitude had to do with my complete lack of faith in IUIs. During most cycles, I figured there was little chance of success, so I just tried to live my life and cope with the inevitable failure and planning our next step.

I roughly remember that this is how it went:

IUI #1: very hopeful
IUI #2: very hopeful
IUI #3: somewhat hopeful, starting to feel defeated
IUI #4: changed meds - back to hopeful
IUI #5: started research study - somewhat hopeful
IUI #6: starting to feel like IUI is not going to work for us
IUI #7: preparing for failure
IUI #8: discouraged and hopeless
IUI #9: just going through the motions

During this process, we didn't know how we could possibly make IVF happen. We had no money and even Penn had acknowledged our lack of options by offering the research study. We started trying to plan and save and after months of preparation and saving and a financial miracle, we finally made it to IVF.

So here we are and despite our best efforts in choosing and RE and making economical decisions, the cycle cost more than expected. There is much less money left in the reserves than we had hoped, and it's making for a strange mental state.

I want so badly for this cycle to work. I want this to be it and I want C and I to finally get the joyful news that we so badly want and deserve. I want to finally bring good news to my family instead of more hopelessness and sadness.

But I am infertile and I also need to prepare for the worst. If this doesn't work, can we do a FET before school starts to fit in one more try? What will we do?

So what am I doing right now? I am thinking about these embies every minute of everyday. There is not a single moment when I am not thinking about what could/should/might be going on in this ute. So far, I am so hyper-aware that I have pretty much been following my instructions to the letter. No lifting, no strenuous exercise, no sex.

I already know when I will begin testing with HPTs because I couldn't possibly leave it up to a single phone call. I need to be prepared. I am thinking that I will begin testing on Thursday which will be 7dp3dt, then everyday after that until beta on Monday.