You call that EZ?

Umm, so this so-called "EZ" diet is not going too well. I was really dedicated for the first week or so, but even though I was following the rules, it felt really unhealthy.

Go ahead and Google it. The EZ Fertility Diet is all over the web. Basically, the diet has a "no-no" group, a "so-so" group and "everything else." The idea is to avoid the foods on the no-no list, limit 1-2 servings per day of the so-so and then go for it with everything else. Of course, the no-no list includes my primary addictions - wheat, flour, sugar, potatoes, bananas and baked goods.

I have known for a long time that I have a relationship with carbs that is not unlike Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It's no secret that food isn't just food in my life. I'm not as bad as many people that I know, but I didn't get this way from my healthy eating habits. I know this. The first time a doctor suggested trying the South Beach Diet, it became abundantly clear just how much I (and everyone else, for that matter) is really chemically addicted to sugars and wheat products. My memory of those first few weeks was like Leonardo DiCaprio thrashing in withdrawal-related agony in the Basketball Diaries. It really was like coming off of some hard stuff. Headaches. Nausea. Exhaustion. All of it. (And, yes, that paragraph alone contained two movie references...)

So when I saw the EZ diet, I figured it was something I should probably try as it would force me to confront my kryptonite. My downfall. The Darth to my Jedi. (Let's just keep going with the movie allusions...)

At first, it wasn't bad. I was doing pretty well. But there was no restriction on corn and corn products, which I thought was really weird. It was also really hard to find things that I could eat at restaurants other than salad and salad is risky for two reasons. One, it doesn't really keep me full and inter-meal hunger is a serious danger zone. Second, and this is definitely a tangent, it has come into vogue in the past few years to throw "field greens," "mesclun," and other nasty bullsh*t in salads and I seriously cannot get that crap down. They are even putting a decorative layer of these yard clippings on salads and McDonald's and now I am afraid to order salads anywhere. I know it's healthier than iceberg and romaine, but I really hate that crap and I can't eat it. OK. Tangent over. Back to the topic at hand.

Even though I was following the rules, I felt like a fat slob. At one point, instead of eating healthier things that I normally would have ordered, I was eating corn chips and guacamole at a party because it was the only thing there that I could eat. At another event, the only thing that fit the bill was a bunless hot dog and some popcorn. How can this be what I am supposed to be doing? I was confused.

I was also gaining weight. Not a lot, but enough to piss me off. So I kinda gave it up. For the first few days, I definitely indulged in a few (or a lot) of the things that I wasn't allowed to eat before. Then I evened out and went back to normal not-so-healthy-but-not-so-bad-either. And now I am trying to get back on the wagon with MyFitnessPal.

When I tracked everything I ate in my phone, it forced me to think critically about what I was eating and be held accountable. It wasn't really a whopping success, but at least weight was coming off or leveling off, it wasn't coming on.

So here's the plan for now, based on upping the standards on what has worked previously:

- limit flour and sugar products, but not cut them out completely
- pack breakfasts for work
- don't be a fat idiot at lunch and go straight to salad bar
- track all foods in phone
- cook at home more often
- get your @ss to the gym on a regular routine

Baby steps, right?