Overwhelmed with Anxiety

Maybe it seems like I am overposting about this, but I cannot emphasize enough how stressful these past two days have been.

For whatever reason, after I got off the initial high of the BFP and the first beta, an enormous feeling of anxiety and dread overcame me yesterday. Sitting at the LabCorp waiting room, I was extremely nauseous, and it sure didn't seem pregnancy related. I felt like I was about to appear in court or speak in front of 1000s of people. That kind of panicky nervousness that leads to nausea.

By the end of the day yesterday, after checking my phone dozens of times, I was nearly shaking. This is typically not like me. I am usually cool as a cucumber, but this anxiety was overwhelming.

I had a tutoring appointment right after school, so I left a message at Cooper just to make sure they knew I had not yet received a call. I went to my tutoring appointment and while the distraction made me somewhat more calm, I was still glancing frequently at my phone and feeling the paranoia.

It messes with your head when you have known nothing but failure for more than three-and-a-half years. And you have seen so many chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages on the boards that the grey cloud of IF just never releases you from the fear.

I had a feeling of certainty, a kind of high, with the first beta draw. I had tested so many times and the results were so certain and strong. But the next big step was beta #2 and I have nothing to base this on. I don't have an HPT I can take or any frame of reference. I am relying wholeheartedly on this test and there is nothing I can do but wait.

Today I left another message at Cooper just to make sure that I was called in the event that the results (finally) arrived. My heart skipped a beat as my phone rang during my 6th period class. Cooper was calling and there was nothing I could do.

Knowing that this might have been a bad decision, I quickly listened to the voicemail in between classes. It would be more than two hours until I could call them back, but I just had to know. Of course, they didn't give me any details over the message - they were just telling me to call back.

For the remainder of the school day, I could feel myself stressing majorly. My hands were practically shaking, my heart is pounding and all I wanted to do was run outside and return the call. But I was stuck.

The message was really vague and this caused the panic to intensify. Basically, they told me to call back. I thought to myself, If it was good news, they would just say it. They want me to call back because it's bad news.

So I teach 7th period. And then I proctor my study hall session. And I answer questions about the math class I don't even teach. And I type up documents and update my website. On the outside, I am carrying out the basic functions of my job, but on the inside I am cowering and wincing and crying and panicking.

As soon as the dismissal bell rings, I chase the kids out the door and slam my door shut. I pull up the voicemail for the name and number of the nurse. As I am listening, my phone rings and Cooper is calling me back. I answer it.

...and my second beta is 1176.
...and it more than doubled.
...and my levels look great.
...and today I am still pregnant.

~~~

I honestly can't see too much of this anxiety ebbing, either. For the rest of the nine months (hoping and wishing that it lasts), I will have countless opportunities to completely meltdown with fear. I will almost certainly freak before the anatomy scan and each ultrasound. I will freak when I feel something strange, or don't feel anything at all. I will freak before we go into labor, and then I will most likely have a lifetime of fears and anxieties about my child.

I guess that's just a big part of pregnancy and becoming a parent. You constantly worry. It's just that much more terrifying when you experience IF because the chances of certain calamities are a little higher, and the chances of conceiving again are so much lower. All in all, it sucks.