Steps Forward, Steps Back

In many ways, we have made quite a bit of progress. We are officially in the second trimester and I have even taken over duties as the organizer of the "2nd Tri Check-In" on the PAIF page. I have been graduated from my RE for official monitoring, but I am still going weekly for blood work. We have started looking around at baby items and talking about our plans and expectations. And yet a few things are still holding me back...

For whatever reason, I am still somewhat insecure about this whole thing lasting. All monitoring and signs have been good and the baby is consistently measuring on time. I have been feeling pretty good, but it still just doesn't feel real.

First of all, I am still on PIO. I went down to one dose every three days and had blood work yesterday to see if I could cut back further. Of course, just like last decrease, my body will need another week of the every-three-day dose to adjust and I will be back in for more blood work on Monday. That means at a minimum, I will still need shots on Thursday and Monday. Any more than that, and I will need another refill that we can ill afford.

I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous - we're having a baby, a baby that we hoped to have for more than three years, and we are worried about money. Shouldn't we have planned this better? Shouldn't we have been saving? Well, first of all, we never were and never will be wealthy. We know that, so there was really no point in waiting any longer. Our parents raised us with very little and we turned out just fine.

We also have spent and are still spending quite a bit on treatment. We still have twice a normal patient's number of appointments and co-pays between the RE and OB. We are still paying for PIO and suppositories (for which we have no coverage) and these meds were anticipated to phase out back at the 8w mark.

Finally, the most unforeseen problem has been C's work. As a teacher, I am a salaried employee, even if that salary leaves much to be desired. C is the main breadwinner for the family in his job as an auto technician. His pay, however, depends on work and the work hasn't been coming in like it used to. A low paycheck for him could easily be half of a good one and that difference really hurts. His service writer also recently had a heart attack. This means that he missed some work lately and calls out often. He is a good friend and I wish him a speedy recovery, but when he is not there, C is shuffled around to other teams and his pay suffers.

So, yes, we know. Raising a child will be expensive. And, no, we are not expecting some kind of windfall or major change. But I feel like we have been hit with a triple whammy this season - lower paychecks, higher-than-expected medical and other bills, and normal holiday spending.

Yet another strange "step back:" we are still in the PG closet. Just a short list of family and friends know. More important is the list of who doesn't know. Other than my dad, his entire side of the family doesn't know. C hasn't even told his parents or siblings. None of my best friends know. And now I am thinking that this a chicken-or-egg type situation - am I not telling them because it doesn't feel real or does it not feel real because we haven't told them?

For weeks, I have been pushing the "big reveal" back further and further. I keep thinking that I will just wait for the next ultrasound just to make sure everything is OK. Or the next appointment. Or the next milestone. And then it just never happens. Then yesterday I had somewhat of a wake-up call. A Facebook friend with a history of mild IF issues announced that she is expecting her second child. Great, I'm happy for her. But the kicker - her due date is several weeks after mine and I haven't even told family much less the whole world.

I think this has less to do with anxiety about problems as it does with my own ridiculously high expectations I have set for myself. When you dream of being pregnant for three and-a-half years, you come up with a lot of ideas. Your announcements, your shower, your parenting and your baby will be bigger and better than any of those normal "fertile people" babies. (I know this is slightly hyperbolic, but it's kinda true...)

Then when it's really happening, but life is happening at the same time and the days start to fly by and sh*t gets real, your plans crumble just a little. But I dreamed about this moment for so long, that maybe I am just dragging my feet so that I can make it big. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and maybe if I get my sh*t together, our announcement will live up to our dreams.