Lists of Things

Here is a list of things that I have been feeling for the past few days:
- waves of nausea
- throbbing pelvic pains that suddenly disappear
- cramping, twinges and bloating, particularly on the right side of the ute
- mild breast tenderness
- sex dreams
- acid reflux and indigestion
- sore throat

Here is a list of symptoms associated with early pregnancy in the 2ww:
- waves of nausea
- pelvic pains
- cramping, twinges and bloating
- breast tenderness
- sex dreams
- acid reflux and indigestion

Here is a list of the side effects of progesterone therapy, regardless of result:
- waves of nausea
- pelvic pains
- cramping, twinges and bloating
- breast tenderness

Here is a list of things that often happen when we go more than 7-10 without sex, particularly when I am expressly prohibited from having a big-O of any kind:
- sex dreams

Here is a list of things that are not explained by any of the above:
- sore throat

What a mindf*ck. Seriously. Right now, I am not working, so I have nothing to do but sit here and think about every single goddamned ache, pain, feeling, twinge, signal, breath... And none of it is even that noticeable. As soon as I start doing something that occupies my mind, it all goes away.

Today, for example, I got up early with the dogs then relaxed watching TV for a while and fell back asleep for about a half hour. During this time, I felt the cramping, bloating, twinges, etc.

Later, I made lunch for C, cleaned out my car then took it to get washed. I heard a story on NPR recently about the probiotic properties of fermented foods and they interviewed a fascinating guy who discussed how easy, safe and healthy these food were. Naturally, because I am infertile and all of my friends are either spending quality time with their children, in graduate school or on archaeological digs in the UAE, I decided to devote the better part of my afternoon to cutting 6+ pounds of cabbage, coating it with pickling salt and pressing my own cabbage into a brine to make homemade sauerkraut. (If you were also infertile and alone all day, this would make perfect sense.) I also had to go out and get more mason jars in which to store my kraut in a week or two when it is ready.

My point, however, is not that I made a smashingly successful brine with just an old plastic bowl, a dinner plate and a towel, but that while I was distracted and happily pickling, I didn't feel a thing. Nada. I continued to have baby-related thoughts, but there was no real cramping, twinging or anything.

This leads me to believe that I am hyper-analyzing everything and that many of my symptoms are self-fulfilling prophecies. There is no question that there have been cramps and bloating and indigestion, but each of these things can be explained by several different factors, and early pregnancy is just one of them. The cruel irony is that I would not have been able to do IVF if not for all this free time, and now that free time is killing me.

~~~

I will end on this last thought... I realized today while I was flicking through my electronic calendar that I have an important meeting scheduled for beta day. I am meeting with the head of professional development for a large organization of many schools from all over the state. The meeting is in the afternoon, so the beta call will almost certainly come in while I am there and unable to answer it.

I knew that an IVF beta was just too high stakes to wait for the beta draw anyway, so despite my extreme apprehension about POAS normally, I will testing and testing often this time. I knew a while ago that I would test before beta, but today I realized just how important it will be. Just the thought of listening to that voicemail without an inkling of what to expect makes me nauseous. Oy.

This 2ww business is a unique form of torture. I can't wait to be out of it and wasting time on the internet in a new and different way, like pinning nursery ideas and setting up a registry instead of googling symptoms and constantly checking the boards.

Here they are!

When I am at work, I am a wonder of digital creations, a force of electronic pictures, prints and publishing. When I am at home, however, I have a desktop without MS Word and a slow "student loaner" laptop.

It took me a while to get it together and figure out a way to get our embie photo onto the laptop, but here it is:

These are our precious two embies, an eight-cell and a seven-cell, both high quality, that we transferred on Wednesday.

When you are doing IUIs, everything is imagined and theoretical. You see the follicles, but never the eggs. You see the sample, but not the sperm. You get the insemenation, but you never know what happens in there after that.

For the first time ever, we saw that C and I can create life and, maybe it sounds crazy, but we both got emotional when we saw this photo.

At Cooper, we had several post-coital tests and the nurses actually put the CM under a microscope (OK, it was actually kind of gross) and we could see C's sperm. I know that's weird, but we actually saw it instead of just hearing about it. Obviously, I saw the follicles in the ultrasound like I had so many times before with IUIs, but this time I got to see so much more. Whether or not this cycle works, and I hope beyond hope that it does, C and I got to see life - two beautiful embies that we created. And they were alive and thriving when they were transferred back in.

I have tried to do everything possible in my conscious life to take care of them, but I hope that my ute is doing what she can, too. I truly hope that the next time you see these little blasts, they are little ultrasound peanuts.

IVF 2ww =/= IUI 2ww

An IUI 2ww is nothing like an IVF 2ww. Nothing. The stakes are so much higher and there is just so much more hope.

Ever since our two precious embies were transferred on Wednesday, it's all I can think about. I have felt on-and-off crampy pretty much the whole time and I am definitely analyzing every feeling.

During a typical IUI 2ww, of which I have had many, I always tried to ignore it. Stop thinking about it. Just power through the two weeks and don't test until beta. Much of this attitude had to do with my complete lack of faith in IUIs. During most cycles, I figured there was little chance of success, so I just tried to live my life and cope with the inevitable failure and planning our next step.

I roughly remember that this is how it went:

IUI #1: very hopeful
IUI #2: very hopeful
IUI #3: somewhat hopeful, starting to feel defeated
IUI #4: changed meds - back to hopeful
IUI #5: started research study - somewhat hopeful
IUI #6: starting to feel like IUI is not going to work for us
IUI #7: preparing for failure
IUI #8: discouraged and hopeless
IUI #9: just going through the motions

During this process, we didn't know how we could possibly make IVF happen. We had no money and even Penn had acknowledged our lack of options by offering the research study. We started trying to plan and save and after months of preparation and saving and a financial miracle, we finally made it to IVF.

So here we are and despite our best efforts in choosing and RE and making economical decisions, the cycle cost more than expected. There is much less money left in the reserves than we had hoped, and it's making for a strange mental state.

I want so badly for this cycle to work. I want this to be it and I want C and I to finally get the joyful news that we so badly want and deserve. I want to finally bring good news to my family instead of more hopelessness and sadness.

But I am infertile and I also need to prepare for the worst. If this doesn't work, can we do a FET before school starts to fit in one more try? What will we do?

So what am I doing right now? I am thinking about these embies every minute of everyday. There is not a single moment when I am not thinking about what could/should/might be going on in this ute. So far, I am so hyper-aware that I have pretty much been following my instructions to the letter. No lifting, no strenuous exercise, no sex.

I already know when I will begin testing with HPTs because I couldn't possibly leave it up to a single phone call. I need to be prepared. I am thinking that I will begin testing on Thursday which will be 7dp3dt, then everyday after that until beta on Monday.

I survived...

...the dreaded two days of bedrest.

As I posted before, the first day wasn't bad because the Valium seemed to have knocked me out and I took a pretty long nap. Falling asleep Wednesday night, however, was no easy feat considering that I hadn't done a thing all day and really wasn't tired.

As for day two, my mom took the day off of work, which I really didn't think would be necessary, but I was glad she did. I spent most of the day just reading internet articles and watching cooking shows on TV. I suddenly realized how limited I was in my activities, but she was always there to refill my drink, bring my meds, and she even vacuumed my house and threw in some laundry!

When C came home from work, he took over, but spent most of the time playing video games and tending to his new reptiles two storeys away in the basement. Hmph. He did make dinner, though.

Today was a strange day. I had all this new found freedom, but nothing to do! I usually keep busy with errands, but today I had nothing on the docket. Regardless, I had to get out of the house. I ended up having lunch with C, then driving out to West Chester and strolling around for a bit, then coming home.

For a busybody like me, two days of bedrest was pretty rough, but the next few weeks are going to be very strange. Now, I am not super-neat by any stretch of the imagination, but with two dogs and two cats, I am used to doing a fair amount of vacuuming, as well as lots of laundry, dishes and so on. Needless to say, these tasks are not exactly C's forte. It is going to be weird to rely on him to do all of these things until beta, as it specifically forbids lifting over 15 lbs, vacuuming and too much bending over in my release directions. This should be interesting...

~~~

On another note, it occured to me today how much I would love to be busy caring for our child. My freedom today actually made me sad...

I have always wanted to teach, ever since I was in kindergarten, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that the schedule would be conducive to raising a family. I always thought that I would be able to spend time with my children during the summers, and maybe even get out of work early enough each day to pick them up from school or daycare before my own mom ever could.

My husband, mother, father, aunt, cousin and brother-in-law all have either non-traditional or flexible work schedules that we always thought would reduce our need for daycare or babysitters. We always thought that my cousin and I could raise our kids together just like we were raised together and if they helped us during the school year, I could really take them for the whole summer. It's been our plan for years.

While I know that one can never fully prepare for the responsibilities of parenthood, my boredom just has me thinking about how I could be running around caring for our baby. The constant demands of IVF kept me busy for a while, but now in the 2ww, it's all I can think about.

Instead of driving around aimlessly like I did today just to get out of the house, I could have been shopping and crafting for a nursery or digging through bargain bins for clothes and baby items. I could have been at the local orchard petting animals with our baby or going to the free baby-friendly movies at the local theater. I could be scrapbooking pictures of our family or making handmade items for a nursery. I could even be crafting and creating art with my child.

When you're broke to begin with, then a little extra broke from IF treatment and just sitting here in the 2ww, it's hard to really enjoy your "child-free" time. Really hard. Especially when you're by yourself.

...And now that I have poured my heart out, I am going to get ready for this weekend's distractions. I am grateful to spend this evening with C and tomorrow with my mom, my cousins and my precious little-girl-with-Downs-whom-we-babysit, but I can't deny that I will be thinking about visiting Hershey and Chocolate World with our own kids while we are there.

Two On Board and PUPO!

Our ET was this morning and we are officially PUPO! We transferred two "beautiful" embryos, one eight-cell and one seven-cell, both graded as high quality. They even gave us a picture of our embryos, which I will post as soon as I have access to a scanner.

The procedure went off without a hitch and C was allowed to be with me in the room which was nice, particular when I had to lay there in virtual silence for a half-hour.

Now I am laying in bed watching TV and about to have dinner with C. Luckily, the dose of Valium from this morning made me really tired, so I knocked out today pretty much as soon as we came home and woke up just in time to see the Phillies win in the 10th inning. (Yessss...)

Well, I guess for now it's back to bedrest...

ET is Set...

The embryologist called this morning to report that all six embryos are still growing and developing normally. That means that the transfer is set for tomorrow morning at 9:45.

I need to have a full bladder for the procedure, so I have to start pounding 32 oz. of fluids around 9:15 tomorrow morning. That should be nice and uncomfortable. Once we get home, I will begin the long, dreaded bedrest.

That's pretty much all for now. C and I are going out for a late happy hour tonight to try to enjoy my last hours of freedom for a few days. Here we go!

Six Embies are Growing!

Of the seven eggs retrieved yesterday, all were fertilized and only one fertilized abnormally. I am taking this as a good sign. That leaves us with two embies to transfer on Wednesday and hopefully four frosties left to freeze.

As for me, I felt pretty good all day yesterday other than some soreness from bloating and cramping. At bedtime, however, I started to get some swelling in my ankles and the dreaded mild shoulder pain and my abdomen was even more tender than before. It appeared that I was retaining lots of water and fluid and that I should take it easy.

This morning, however, my swelling had gone down significantly and I felt like just slightly less than a million bucks. I felt mildly crampy today, but not enough to keep me from meeting with a coworker about a project and running my shopping errands. Overall, I feel really good.

Most of all, I am glad to be feeling good and being out and about because the rest of my week doesn't look so exciting. After the transfer on Wednesday, I will be on complete bedrest for two days, and I am not looking forward to it! I am generally pretty energetic and always looking for something to do. Even with summers off, I keep really busy because I am totally boredom-phobic. Seriously.

I'm staring down the barrel of two days at home alone with pretty much nothing to do. I will surround our bed with the laptop, iPad, TV and some DVDs, but this is going to be painful...

~~~

I knew that an IVF cycle would require an incredible amount of monitoring, and this cycle actually exceeded my expectations if that were at all possible. It's pretty obvious to me that fresh cycling will not really be feasible during the school year, so I am really pleased to have any frozen embies at all. It will still require a lot of monitoring, but at least a FET is feasible during the school year.

Naturally, an IFer always plans for the worst, so I am already thinking about what we will do if this fails. We can transfer two more frosties in August and hope for the best, then maybe another FET with the remaining two in December, assuming they all make it to freeze. We have a lot of time off in December and hopefully that will reduce the amount of time needed from work since I only really get two personal days per year.

Ahh, the stress... I really need to stop.

Back from ER

I'm sitting here on my bed watching, of all possible movie choices, Knocked Up, and the ER is over.

We attended a block party yesterday, but left a little early to relax and get ready. I had been nervous on and off, but I was able to fall asleep last night and sleep pretty soundly. We both got up early this morning and were ready to go.

We were the only retrieval scheduled for this morning and our IVF nurse was extremely kind and helpful. Our pre-retrieval scan showed a "beautiful lining" and before long, I was whisked away to the back room for the ER. The anesthesiologist was also friendly and made it really comfortable despite my nerves. He was able to get an IV into my "good" vein in my right arm and I was all set to go.

They positioned me way back in the chair and I just looked up at the lights as the anesthesiologist said he was administering the sedation. I thought I would slowly fade out, but it was pretty instant. The next thing I knew, I was slowly waking up hearing the anesthesiologist talk about his daughter's appearance in the musical "Wicked." I could feel that the speculum was still in, so I was terrified for a moment that I had woken up too early. I made a slight noise and the anesthesiologist assured me that I was supposed to be awake and that we were all done. A few minutes later, they walked me into the recovery room and I stayed there for a while hooked up to an IV of fluids.

Surprisingly, I had some cramping while laying in the recovery room, but as soon as the nurses allowed me to sit up, the pain pretty much subsided and I am still feeling pretty good. It basically just feels like average period cramps.

Of the 13 follicles that were growing at last ultrasound, they were able to retrieve 7. The embryologist will call tomorrow with a fertilization report for our lucky 7. Fingers crossed!!

It's go time!

Recall from previous posts that the RE has been looking for at least two follicles over 20 for the past few scans... I had a pesky 19 that just wouldn't hit the 20 mark, so I had to go back again on Friday. Yesterday, that very same 19 was still a 19.7 and hadn't grown at all, which is not great, but a few other 19s joined the party, which is good. 

I wasn't sure that they would allow us to trigger and I was worried that we may need to push forward to a Monday ER. I don't really care when ER is, but C was making a big stink about taking days off from work (yeah, I know...) so I was still hoping for the Sunday appointment.

Here were the exact numbers:

Right: 20.7, 19.7, 19.3, 19, 16.3, 13.7, 13.3 and 4 <10

Left: 17.7, 14, 12.3, 12 and several <10

I had a few errands to run yesterday with my cousin as she was preparing for her big block party. I was running around and baking desserts like a madwoman when I realized that it was 4 o'clock. C would be leaving work soon and would need to know whether to take off from work and I was worried that somehow I had missed my call back. I gave a quick call, just to be sure, and they called me right back.

The instructions were as follows:

- immediate shot of Menopur and Ganirelix right then at 4:30

- trigger with Novarel at 11:15

- blood work again on Saturday morning to confirm absorption of trigger

- lots of water on Saturday

- no food or drink after midnight Saturday

- back to the office at 9:00 on Sunday morning

- no jewelry, contact lenses or perfumes on Sunday

Holy sh*t. This is really happening. After years of failed IUIs, even those hopeless ones just to finish out the protocol and over three years of TTC, we are finally here at IVF. I can't wrap my head around how much it has taken to get here. It took a lot more to get here to IVF than it does for many other couples, and now we're really doing it.

Because C was not yet home from work at the time and we had to rush over to a birthday party as soon as he did get home, I was in that awful pickle of giving myself the Menopur and Ganirelix. For some reason, the Ganirelix syringes like to poke me really hard without actually piercing the skin, making for epic torture for a borderline needle-phobe like me. I did it, though, and there was something really cathartic and final about me doing the last of the injects myself.

~~~

On a slight tangent, I was pretty pissed when I scanned the scene of my bedroom dresser after that last shot. I was thinking about the stimming phase and how I had done so many things that I never thought I would as I shoved the last syringes into the very full sharps container. And then I looked over at the unopened boxes of meds. 

Right now, on my dresser there are nearly $1600 worth of unused meds, and that really kind of upsets me. Knowing how broke we are and how much it took to buy those meds, it felt really wasteful and I felt slightly duped. I feel like there should be an option of running back to the pharmacy and buying more stims one box at a time. Sure, maybe you are busy and you can't do it, or maybe the meds were shipped from some distant pharmacy, and in that case, you can take it all at once. But if you are in a situation where a few hundred or even a few thousand dollars could really make a difference, you should be able to refill as needed. If I knew it would have saved us $1600, I would have happily driven down to Brookhaven a few times to pick up extra meds. It just doesn't seem fair that we had no choice and were forced to buy maximum stims.

If this cycle or a later FET are successful, I'll definitely donate the meds to someone who can use them, but for now, we're keeping them. There is no question that that much money could mean the difference between cycling again or not in the future, so we're keeping them until we are sure we don't need them.

~~~

A little after 11:00 last night, I rushed back to my cousin's house for her to deliver the trigger shot. I have expressed my discomfort with IM shots many times before, so I won't belabor the point here, but I was a little nervous. It so happens that some triggers burn more than others and I had never used Novarel before. I prepped the syringe, then laid across her sofa acting "brave."

She said, "OK, there was the little pinch. Here it goes."

To me, that meant, OK, I just pinched your butt flab to prep for the injection and I will stab you now. I waited, waited, waited for the stab.

To her, she meant, OK, I just stabbed you and here come the meds that may or may not burn or sting. My point is, after all that stress, I literally didn't even feel the shot. I don't know if she has gotten really good at giving shots or if the needle was a better gauge, I have no idea. But I literally lay there waiting for the stab and it never came. Then she said, "You're all done," and stuck a band-aid on the spot.

As I was in the car driving home, I realized that the shot was much lower than it probably should have been. I started thinking that maybe it didn't hurt because it didn't go into the muscle... Maybe it just got me in the (abundant) fat layer and it won't work. Commence stress. (Jeez, IFers never get a break from constant worry...)

These thoughts probably never would have crossed my mind if not for the nurse telling me that I needed blood work Saturday morning to confirm that it had been absorbed. But, now they're here, and the worrisome thoughts are stuck in my brain like a burr. 

I went back to Cooper this morning for blood work and my rockin' left arm vein decided to quit. To be fair, she has been hit at least ten times in the past few weeks, so I guess she deserves her rest. The only problem with that is that other than the lefty rockstar, my other veins are actually a rather difficult stick. The phlebotomist hit the left vein and after some digging (owwwww), was only able to get a trickle of blood, so she had to move over to the right, do some more digging (owwwww) and finally get the sample.

Luckily, when they called back later, the beta draw was 84, so I had successfully absorbed the trigger shot despite the lack of pain and torture. I was able to attend my cousin's big party today, which was very important to her, and now ER remains perfectly scheduled on Sunday morning.

Please let this work...

Here's some math for you...

After much research, I had a few numbers in my head about what this whole process would cost. There is really no way to know exactly how much the meds will cost until they have been prescribed and run through insurance, but let me tell you, the estimates were off. Way off.

I just got the call from the billing office to "pay up." Our ER is fast approaching and we need to be paid in full before I go under the knife, or rather probe-mounted vag cam with needles. After the sticker shock of the meds, I was holding my breath anticipating how much this would be.

So here's some math:

     retrieval
     fertilization
     anesthesia
     transfer
  + freezing     
     less than big bag o' meds

Seriously.

And if you are considering a longer distance RE (like I did), here's something else to think about:

     monthly cost of frozen storage < gas and tolls to drive to RE's office

But, ya know what, it's all good because apparently I had a $13.42 credit from one of my post-coital tests, so really I am saving money... ;)

Follicle Check #3 and #4

Yesterday marked my third follicle check and what I would consider a really nice development. I went from being stuck at four to having several in the teens and one over 20.

Here are the exact numbers:
Right: 20.3, 19.3, 16, 16, 12.6, 10.3, 10 and 5 <10
Left: 14.3, 14.3, and 7 <10

When I got the call back on Monday, they said that I needed to speak to one of the IVF nurses about anesthesia, and she specifically mentioned my BMI as a concern. I knew this was probably an issue, so I just said OK and planned to stay a little longer.

I was done with the bloodwork and ultrasound by 8:30 and the nurse said that she was busy with another ER so I should come back around 9:30 so that they could "check my airway." I left, drove around, had a bagel and all the while was stressing a little about what "checking my airway" actually entails.

Would the intubate me? Stick something down my throat? Some kind of chest x-ray? I knew that these were all unlikely scenarios, but I do have an aunt who is a very "difficult intubate" and who has had many issues with anesthesia in the past. She is unique in our family to all of these health issues, but it was still freaking me out.

I returned at 9:30 just to sit in the waiting room for another half-hour until the nurse finally came and got me. She brought me back to the mysterious area in the back (where I had never been before) where all of the ERs and ETs happen. She sat me down in the patient changing room (with all the handbags and shoes of the women in ER and ET) and I waited for another 15 minutes.

Finally, the embryologist came in and introduced himself. The conversation basically went like this:

"Do you have any allergies?" No.

"Have you ever been under anesthesia?" No.

"Do you have any breathing problems, sleep problems, heart problems or cracked and broken teeth?" No.

"Lean back your head. Now open your mouth. Say ahh. OK, you're all set."

Umm... What? I just waited for an hour for that? No flashlight, no popsicle stick. He didn't even look in my mouth. Just "say ahh." Whatever. I will take the absolute ridiculousness of that because a) I didn't have to do any of the scary things I had feared and b) it's a hilariously funny story. C and my mom were in hysterics when I told them about it.

Anyway, back to OvaryLand, the technicians were pleased to see such a rise in follicle size from my last ultrasound and were predicting an ER as early as Saturday. They ordered me to come back this morning.

This morning I returned and the follicles really hadn't grown much. The nurse said that they typically like to see at least two follicles over 20 and that pesky 19 only grew 0.4 from yesterday. All of my levels looked good, however, so I'm back again tomorrow to see how that 19 fares.

Again, here were the exact numbers:
Right: 20.7, 19.7, 18, 17.3, 12.7, 12.3, 11 and 8 <10
Left: 17, 16, 14.3, 11.3 and 4 <10

So now it's looking more like a possible trigger tomorrow night and a Sunday ER, as long as the follicles keep progressing as predicted. Squeeeee!

Follicle Check #2

Today is CD9 and I headed in for my second follicle check earlier this morning. As soon as the ultrasound technician spotted the follicles in the right ovary, she said, "Boy, you're going to be here a lot this week."

In the right ovary, there are still four lead follicles ranging from 13.3 to 11 and about five <10. I am slightly concerned that the smaller follicles haven't caught up much and that the four leaders leveled off so much, but everything else looked pretty good. In the left, there are six <10.

When I got the call this afternoon, the nurse said that my estradiol looked pretty good and that we should continue with the same dosage of meds for now. Then she said the dreaded thing that I hadn't even considered: we should switch the injections from subcutaneous (subQ) to intramuscular (IM). Noooo! I didn't even realize that this was a possibility, but I immediately started freaking out.

Somewhere, the fertility gods were chuckling at my hubris in conquering my own injects and decided to stick it to me (quite literally) with this cruel twist of fate! IM injections, for those who may not know, have to be administered by someone else in the "upper outside quadrant" of the buttock. They also hurt like hell, leave bruises on me and burn like a mofo. Ugh.

I happened to be with my close cousin this afternoon when the call came in, and she is the doctor who delivered my IM Pregnyl trigger shots in the past. Luckily, she is off today and can do the first one and show C, but I am really not liking the idea of C doing them in the future. Oy.

And now I am going to count down the hours until my doom and freak out the whole way...

It's a little silly how proud I am of myself...

...but I'm sharing here anyway.

C is away at an all-day metalfest and his band is playing tonight. The show is so far away that he is spending the night there with friends.

I am super-supportive of his band and this show is all well and good but for one thing - he is missing a dose of Menopur tonight and a Bravelle tomorrow.

Let me rewind for a second to explain my needle issues. I am not needle-phobic necessarily because I have no problem with getting shots and I'm even pretty OK with the pain part. I am an IFer after all, which means that I have been having blood drawn and injections and triggers at least 1-3 times per week for the past two years. I am, however, supremely grossed out by needles. I can't explain it, there is just something about objects that are half-in and half-out that gross me out. I could watch an operation no problem. Blood, guts, gore... Fine. But a splinter, needle, IV or other stabbed object makes me very uncomfortable. When I get my blood drawn or when C gives me my daily injects, I just don't look.

Tonight, I had to give myself a shot of Menopur. I hyped myself up in the car in the way home tonight and kept telling myself that it was no big deal and that I could do it. Once I had mixed the needles, I did get some sweaty palms and a little nervous. I did have to stare at the disinfected area and reprep my little Band-Aid spot twice. But finally I got up the nerve and did it. And now I am seriously impressed with myself.

I'll never do an IM shot; that's just too yucky and scary, but at least I now know that I can do this myself and that I don't have to rely on someone else all the time. Tomorrow I'm giving myself another Bravelle, but then it's back to C doing injects tomorrow night.

Regardless, I did it! I'm reminded of the little victory everytime my little-girl-whom-I-babysit uses the potty and I feel like saying to myself, "High five!"

Follicle Check #1

Yesterday afternoon, C and I received a letter in the mail from Cooper describing all of the testing we still need in order to proceed with our ER. First of all, (holy schnikes!) it is so surreal that we are actually counting down to ER! Secondly, it brought up yet another test that I had known about from my Google PhD in infertility medicine and from the boards, but that had never been mentioned to me before at Cooper. Ho, hum... This is just their way, I guess.

The letter stated that I still needed my HSG and current Pap (sent over from Penn a few days ago), infectious disease bloodwork (done at Cooper last Saturday), vaginal cultures (done at Cooper on Monday), and a mock transfer. Sh*t. I had completely forgotten that such a thing existed and it was never mentioned as a prerequisite to cycling. Luckily, I had an appointment this morning and I gathered up the papers to bring with me with questions.

I got to the office this morning and it was pretty slow. I got in immediately for my ultrasound and bloodwork with no waiting. (This is after almost two years of cycling at Penn where the waiting rooms usually looked like an airport in a snowstorm.) During the ultrasound, they found that the lining looked great and that I had four measurable follicles and "a whole bunch" of smaller ones, and this is just CD6. (Yay!)

After the monitoring, I spoke to the reception desk about briefly seeing an IVF nurse about returning my loaner meds (which I totally wanted to keep after paying $4k just a few days before), and also about scheduling this mock transfer. As it turns out, only two IVF nurses were in today, and they had two ERs scheduled for other patients. In other words, "it's going to be a while." Thank goodness for smartphones.

When a nurse was finally able to see me, I returned the meds (grudgingly) and asked about the pre-testing. I explained that all of the other tests were already done, but that it was likely that the results just weren't back yet. Then I asked about the dreaded mock transfer. It went something like this:

Me:       All of the other testing here is done, but I guess I need to schedule a mock transfer? When should I do that?

Nurse:   Have you ever had an IUI?

Me:       (slight chuckle) Um, yeah. I have had nine.

Nurse:   Oh. Well, did they ever have difficulty with the catheter?

Me:       Never. They all went perfectly, other than the fact that they didn't work.

Nurse:   Then you don't need a mock transfer.

Well, that was easy. What's that old expression about one hand not knowing what the other hand is doing? Yeah, seriously. Isn't it written in my file somewhere that I have had nine freakin' IUIs? I digress...

As I mentioned before, I have been babysitting for the past few weeks, which has worked out perfectly with my appointments. I have been getting back in PA with plenty of time to pick up the little girl from her bus stop at 12:30, then take her and her older brother out for lunch. Of course, the call from my nurse came while I was in line at Wendy's trying to get the missing apple juice from our cheeseburger kids meal. Oy.

Anyway, I'll take the awkward timing because the news was good. Everything looked great and it seems like the dosage is really working. We will continue with 75 iu of Menopur in the evenings and 150 iu of Bravelle in the mornings and on Sunday night, we will start adding Ganirelix to prevent early ovulation. Again, holy sh*t.

I am sitting here making plans for birthday parties and lunches next week, and it is just sinking it that I may not be able to do any of them. It's really no big deal planning-wise, after all, I made arrangements with my few IF-informed family members to bring my gifts to the party if I'm at home recovering, but just wow. I can't believe that after three years of TTC, two years of treatment and all the waiting and testing and then more waiting for IVF that our ER may be right around the corner.

Well, it's back to Cooper on Monday for another monitoring appointment. I'll know more then, but for right now, I am just excited and hopeful. Please let this work...

The difference 24 hours makes...

Twenty-four hours ago, I was in the land of uncertainty. I posted here last night about my hopes for a July cycle and that I wasn't sure that Cooper could get their sh*t together to get it going.

This evening, I have two giant grocery bags full of meds, I start stims tonight, and I am nearly $4k poorer. Yes, you read that correctly. The meds came in much more expensive than estimated.

If you had asked us a year or two ago what $4k looked like, I would have said, "new hardwood floors" or "a new shed to replace the dilapidated one in the back yard!" C most certainly would have said "a sizable down payment on a Harley!" That's no longer our reality. Today, this is what $4k looks like:

As it turns out, I was able to get the cultures testing done today and the medical records rep from Penn called to confirm that she had sent out the HSG and IF records. My baseline ultrasound and bloodwork looked great, so we begin stims tonight.

In typical Cooper IVF nurse fashion, she only told me the very beginning of the protocol before I was whisked off to the front desk to make my appointment for my first follicle check on Friday the 13th (dun dun DUN!). I didn't realize that Ganirelix was in the protocol until I picked up the meds, so I have no idea when I will be starting it...

It's a good thing that I am not a need-my-hand-held kind of patient because Cooper really is a DIY kind of IVF clinic. It is, however, much less expensive and I may never have been able to afford treatment without their pricing. It is what it is, I guess.

So, here we go...

Why Am I So Calm?

Honestly, I have no freakin' idea...

I was having trouble sleeping all weekend worrying about cycling in July. That may sound ridiculous to some, but I have felt for months that in order to maintain my sanity, I needed to allot time for at least two cycles this summer. I would be comfortable trying a FET once the school year begins, but I wanted at least two tries (either two fresh or one fresh, one frozen) before returning to work. After all, the crazy IFer always has to brace herself for failure and have a Plan B.

Anyway, I was stressing out majorly that we wouldn't be able to cycle in July, I and I was basically powerless to do anything over the weekend. Now that it was Monday, I took charge and decided to do whatever I can to ensure a July cycle.

I started calling both Penn and Cooper at opening this morning. After leaving yet another message on the medical records office voicemail at Penn this morning, I decided to just go in person and push my way to my HSG and IF records. As soon as I got out of the shower, the IVF nurse at Cooper called me back with some good news.

First of all, I have a CD3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled for early tomorrow morning. She seemed to have a protocol in her hands because she said that she would submit the order for my prescriptions today. She did say again that we were really down to the wire, but I told her that I was on my way to Penn for some records and she seemed pleased with that. She mentioned that we would be stimming with Menopur and Follistim, but upon hearing that we are self-pay patients, she said we may swap to Bravelle instead of Follistim so that we could take advantage of their H.E.A.R.T. pricing program. So, that sounds like we have a protocol, right?

Anyway, she said to wait by the phone for a call from Freedom Pharmacy in the event that they need billing and shipping information. After I got the release forms filled in for Penn, I went off to my part-time summer job of babysitting a precious seven year-old with Down syndrome, keeping my phone close by all day.

When I got home from babysitting and C came home from work, I recapped my discussion with the nurse and we decided to go ahead and call Freedom as I had not heard from them all day. Of course, just to throw another wrench in the gears, they have no record of us or any prescriptions. Luckily, they overnight all of their meds, so as long as I can get the nurses to put through the order tomorrow, I will have the meds by Wednesday. If I have to start stims tomorrow, I can either ask for sample meds or beg for a separate script for the fertility pharmacy in the same complex as the RE.

So, here's the same question again... Why am I so calm? Maybe I am just too tired from freaking out all weekend, or maybe I know it's just too late to worry. At this point, whatever is going to happen will happen. I am just hoping that everything is sorted out by the time I leave Cooper tomorrow and I can get my meds and get this show on the road.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. The diagnostic cycle was a BFN. Duh. I went in on the 5th for our pregnancy test, but my body has been wanting to start spotting for almost a week and the progesterone has been the only thing holding that off. It was pretty obvious to me that it was a bust anyway, but procedures are procedures.

2. It's news to everyone at Cooper that I wanted to do IVF this month. Umm, why else would I be here?! I made it pretty clear on several occasions, but it doesn't help that I see someone different pretty much every time I am there. When I went in for the beta draw, I asked if I should make an appointment with Dr. C to discuss the next steps, but they said to wait for my results and they would provide instructions. When the call finally came, I was told to stop the progesterone, but that there were no appointments with Dr. C until August (?!) and that I didn't have a protocol or any scripts written up (?!?!). Apparently, I still need more tests that I wasn't told about and my HSG and medical records from Penn still aren't there.

3. I may not be able to cycle in July after all. Even though DH and I rushed in this morning for the infectious disease blood work, there is still no protocol or scripts. Today, I began bleeding, so tomorrow really should be CD1. That means ALL OF THIS needs to be sorted out in the next 72 hours or July is out of the picture. I only get two personal days per year and I am starting a new position in September, so I was really counting on two chances this summer. I will be crushed if this logistical nightmare forces us to wait until August. IVF was supposed to bring me hope and right now, all I feel like doing is crying...