Please Please Please Stick!

As much as I knew that this FET would be the end of the road for a while, it really sunk in today when we were at our ET.

Technically, the fund of money that we had set aside for IVF is gone, but the FET by comparison was pretty affordable and we could have scraped together for another one. Yesterday morning, however, they defrosted all three of our remaining embryos hoping to choose the best two and refreeze the leftover loner. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

While the two embryos that we transferred today were further developed than the three-day seven- and eight-cells from before, we lost the third embryo. It stopped growing and was actually regressing, so they deemed it "not worth saving."

Of the two that we transferred, one was a solid eight-cell morula well on its way to becoming the highly-sought blastocyst. The second had a few dead cells on the perimeter (yikes!), but was a still-growing partial morula. Hopefully, that's OK...

I'm sitting in our basement in our new recliner loveseat (much comfier than laying in bed!) just wasting time. Tomorrow will be my first time doing bedrest completely alone as C will be at work and no one else really knows that I'm even on bedrest.

Just to reassure myself in whatever way possible, I made C buy a pineapple today to do the whole pineapple-core-to-improve-implantation thing. Whatever. At least it makes me feel slightly more in control of a situation that is basically out of my control. Blah. And on to the 2ww...

Meds-Related Unpleasantness

Due to the nature of IF treatments, you can never really predict how you will react and which meds and procedures will be quick and easy and which will be horrendously unpleasant.

For many women, the HSG, ERs and even Menopur injections can be really painful. For me, these were a breeze and I would take subcutaneous injections all day long if I could avoid an intramuscular one.

This FET has been pretty easy so far, but I must admit that today was the beginning of some mild unpleasantness. On the mild side, I started taking the antibiotics and the steroid Medrol. Blech. I know this sounds insane, but those pills taste so freakin' bad. They taste like that stuff that you paint onto your nails to stop nail biting - just burning wretched bitter. I have tried a bunch of different ways to take it without tasting it, but it's tough. It even begins to break down in your mouth when it touches the water and just fills your mouth with that taste. It's just awful.

I also had my first PIO shot this morning. C had to give it because a.) I had to get it before noon and my cousin wouldn't have been available, and b.) we're not really sharing this FET with many people, just in case it fails. Therefore, he had to do it. Since my only IM shots in the past were triggers, I have always had my cousin do it. That was easy enough because I only needed it once per month. I will need these PIO shots each day, so it was time that C learned how to do it.

Last night, we watched some videos on the Freedom Fertility website and some amateur YouTube ones so that he would know what to do. I also walked him through it since I have experienced it quite a few times.

Because C had to work today, we had to do the shot at 7am before he left. There was a bit of a learning curve in drawing up the oil - apparently it's not as easy as drawing up water-based meds. I went through two syringes trying to get it right. By the time he got his crap together and I drew up the meds, he was running late, so he was hurrying me, which is exactly what I feared would happen. It really wasn't bad, though.

Within the next few hours, I could still feel the injection site despite C massaging it in as the directions dictated. Even though the injection wasn't as bad as I had feared, I can see how this could get pretty bruisy and painful with repeated daily injection. Yuck.

It's On... Again!

This morning was my monitoring check-in for FET #1 and it seems like the news was good. My lining was a 14 and looked "very good." I'm not sure to what extent the Estrace played a role in that as my lining is always pretty good.

I finally got the call earlier this evening with our instructions for the FET and fortunately everything fell into place nicely. This was also one of the rare occasions when I had a pen and paper handy for writing down all the information, and it's a good thing because there was a lot to know.

Here are the levels:
Estradiol: 205
Progesterone: 0.4
LH: 8
FSH: 3

And here is the plan:

Estrace - I am going to continue with the three oral pills per day, but tonight is the last vaginal dose.

Progesterone - Tomorrow I need a 1cc PIO shot before noon, then on Friday I will begin 2cc shots once per day in the evening. I will also begin with the progesterone suppositories tomorrow night, then Friday begin with both morning and bedtime doses.

Antibiotics/Steroid - Begin both oral meds tomorrow for five days.

Transfer - The transfer is set for Sunday. An embryologist will call me tomorrow with the results of the thaw and how our embies are developing. The timing works out perfectly so that C is off work to take me to transfer and we don't miss his big show on Saturday night.

~~~

To be perfectly honest, I am terrified of this PIO shot. I have read a lot about how painful they can be and C has never given an IM shot, so I am pretty worried. It also seems like a ton of progesterone! In the past during the diagnostic cycle and IVF #1, I was taking 200mg or 400mg of progesterone suppositories. This time, I am taking 400mg of suppositories in addition to the PIO.

I am really hopeful, though, and I am not sure why. I am not a religious person, so I always seem to revert to my notions of superstitions and fate. This cycle just seems luckier than IVF #1 - it just seems to make sense. 

I was reluctant to tell too many people about IVF #1 because I was afraid that they would be wondering about timing, symptoms and eventually our success. The fewer people that know about a cycle, the fewer people need to be told that it was a BFN. So many relatives, however, were concerned for us and knew that we were finally attempting it that it was inevitable that everyone knew. 

This time, I only told my mom about the FET, and I actually was thinking about not telling her either. Unless she told more people, she is the only one who knows. That is comforting to me for some reason. 

Also, this cycle is just so perfect. It's the end of our money (which sucks and scares the sh*t out of me), and it is also the end of the summer. If this fails, I honestly do not know what we will do next. I can't imagine how I could do a fresh cycle during work and that terrifies me. There is also the constant torment of the "due date game."

Every IFer I have known does this to herself, too. You can't help but calculate what the due date would be for each cycle, and this one is a beauty. If this FET worked, we would be due in mid-May. I would require almost no maternity leave (which is great because the leave pay at my job is terrible) and would miss very little of the school year. At the risk of overthinking it, it would be perfect. 

You call that EZ?

Umm, so this so-called "EZ" diet is not going too well. I was really dedicated for the first week or so, but even though I was following the rules, it felt really unhealthy.

Go ahead and Google it. The EZ Fertility Diet is all over the web. Basically, the diet has a "no-no" group, a "so-so" group and "everything else." The idea is to avoid the foods on the no-no list, limit 1-2 servings per day of the so-so and then go for it with everything else. Of course, the no-no list includes my primary addictions - wheat, flour, sugar, potatoes, bananas and baked goods.

I have known for a long time that I have a relationship with carbs that is not unlike Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It's no secret that food isn't just food in my life. I'm not as bad as many people that I know, but I didn't get this way from my healthy eating habits. I know this. The first time a doctor suggested trying the South Beach Diet, it became abundantly clear just how much I (and everyone else, for that matter) is really chemically addicted to sugars and wheat products. My memory of those first few weeks was like Leonardo DiCaprio thrashing in withdrawal-related agony in the Basketball Diaries. It really was like coming off of some hard stuff. Headaches. Nausea. Exhaustion. All of it. (And, yes, that paragraph alone contained two movie references...)

So when I saw the EZ diet, I figured it was something I should probably try as it would force me to confront my kryptonite. My downfall. The Darth to my Jedi. (Let's just keep going with the movie allusions...)

At first, it wasn't bad. I was doing pretty well. But there was no restriction on corn and corn products, which I thought was really weird. It was also really hard to find things that I could eat at restaurants other than salad and salad is risky for two reasons. One, it doesn't really keep me full and inter-meal hunger is a serious danger zone. Second, and this is definitely a tangent, it has come into vogue in the past few years to throw "field greens," "mesclun," and other nasty bullsh*t in salads and I seriously cannot get that crap down. They are even putting a decorative layer of these yard clippings on salads and McDonald's and now I am afraid to order salads anywhere. I know it's healthier than iceberg and romaine, but I really hate that crap and I can't eat it. OK. Tangent over. Back to the topic at hand.

Even though I was following the rules, I felt like a fat slob. At one point, instead of eating healthier things that I normally would have ordered, I was eating corn chips and guacamole at a party because it was the only thing there that I could eat. At another event, the only thing that fit the bill was a bunless hot dog and some popcorn. How can this be what I am supposed to be doing? I was confused.

I was also gaining weight. Not a lot, but enough to piss me off. So I kinda gave it up. For the first few days, I definitely indulged in a few (or a lot) of the things that I wasn't allowed to eat before. Then I evened out and went back to normal not-so-healthy-but-not-so-bad-either. And now I am trying to get back on the wagon with MyFitnessPal.

When I tracked everything I ate in my phone, it forced me to think critically about what I was eating and be held accountable. It wasn't really a whopping success, but at least weight was coming off or leveling off, it wasn't coming on.

So here's the plan for now, based on upping the standards on what has worked previously:

- limit flour and sugar products, but not cut them out completely
- pack breakfasts for work
- don't be a fat idiot at lunch and go straight to salad bar
- track all foods in phone
- cook at home more often
- get your @ss to the gym on a regular routine

Baby steps, right?

Crap That I Just Need to Say

On the boards, we call it "getting flamed." It's when you post something controversial or opinionated and everyone jumps on it and posts outraged and equally opinionated responses, basically ripping you and your post to shreds. This post might be flameworthy, but I just need to say it.

Firstly, one of the many frustrations of IF is watching others get pregnant when you can't, particularly when the question of "deserving it" becomes an issue. Yeah, I know, no one can judge who "deserves" to be a parent, but it is rather galling that so many abusers and neglectful people seem to procreate effortlessly. And, yeah, I also know that other people's ability or inability to reproduce has absolutely no effect on my ability.

Well, this blog isn't always about what is, but what it feels like.

Today I learned that an old friend from high school is expecting her second child. She is a year younger than I am and already has a six year-old son. For most of his life, he has been living with her parents as she has dealt with addiction and several other risky behaviors. She got married a few years ago to her current husband and this is their first child together.

My brain says that I hope that this turns a new leaf for her and her husband. I hope that she has cleaned up and dealt with her issues and that this is the beginning of a new chapter.

My heart, however, says "f*ck you." What kind of sh*t is that? C and I have worked tirelessly for years to prepare for this and here we are with nothing.

Seriously, I cannot remember the last time I saw an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter in which the accused fugitive did not have children. Hell, the kids are often flopping around in the backseat of the getaway vehicle while the chase rages on or crying in the background of the squalid apartment.

According to government statistics, nearly 10% of all children in this country live with at least one parent who abuses alcohol or drugs. More than half of all child welfare cases are related to substance abuse in parents.

I don't know that many criminals and addicts, but every single one that I know, both personally and just through distant connections, has children. Every. Stinking. One.

I'm not trying to be a judgey b*tch, or even a selfish b*tch. As someone who really, truly cares about children, this is crazy to me and it makes me angry and sad. Not only have I dedicated every free moment and penny in the past three-and-a-half years to having a child of our own, I have dedicated the last ten years of my life to children as a teacher, education student and community outreach worker.

I know that I am just a person and I do not get to judge who is deserving of children. But I am certainly allowed to wonder and even just complain about the enormous unfairness of it all.

I have been that teacher who had to sit in an intervention meeting about a child who was being abused. I have had to file reports with local agencies as a mandated reporter when I saw signs of abuse on my own student. I have wondered what to do when I watched a mother drink a bottle of wine and take a handful of pills and pass out as her children looked on.

I have also looked at negative pregnancy tests for a consecutive 41 months. I have injected myself with meds three times per day and taken handfuls of vitamins and supplements. I have spent thousands of dollars, driven hundreds of miles and met with dozens of doctors and nurses.

And it f*cking sucks. It's stupid. I'm angry at the unfairness of it all. I know that I am fortunate to be in a position to do these things and that I should be thankful for the wonderful life that I lead with C. Most days, I am more positive than negative. But when I hear that yet another person in my life is expecting a child in difficult circumstances such as those listed above, I get a little peeved. This post is me giving a big fat middle finger to infertilty because it's stupid, unfair bullsh*t.

When I shut down my computer tonight, I will go upstairs and lay in my bed in my beautiful home with the man I love and two furry piles of canine perfection. And I will be grateful and I will know that I would rather spend my childless life here with this husband and this family than be in someone else's shoes for one minute. But for now, I am putting this toxic hostility out there in the cloud instead of keeping it in me.

And her Facebook announcement? I'm not "liking" it. You know why? Because I don't like it. So there.

More Estrace, Please

Today is the day to add another Estrace tablet to my dosage. I generally am one of those people who never has side effects from meds, but I have had some cramping in my right ovary area for the past two days. It comes and goes, so I haven't really worried about it, but I do have to wonder if I didn't form a cyst of some kind.

According to Dr. Google, side effects for Estrace are mostly uncommon and they include symptoms like spotting, mild nausea, breast tenderness and hair loss. (Yikes!) Nothing was mentioned of cramping, however. That's what makes me think that there may be a cyst, and hope that its not going to be a problem.

Despite my numerous medicated cycles in the past, I never produced too many follicles or experienced anything close to OHSS. Stims can cause cysts, however, and I have had a cyst or two in the past from just Clomid cycles. I guess that means it's entirely possible that all that Menopur and Bravelle could have caused a residual cyst.

Of course, this is all semi-panicked IF paranoia based on nothing, but it is possible. During a FET cycle, pretty much the only things that need to be closely monitored are lining and estradiol. Just as luck would have it, cysts can elevate estradiol and on top of that, I am taking lots of Estrace. Oy.

It's probably nothing and maybe the cramping was just a one off, but when you are used to being monitored 3-4 times per week, no monitoring can let your imagination run wild.

OK, put the crazy thoughts away, MM, and just get on with it...

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Things That are Good Right Now

C and I have really been enjoying a lot of time together. Redecorating and rearranging our basement has made a huge improvement on the amount of quality time we spend together.

While he was at practice yesterday, I went to a performance of my dad and his wife's music school while they performed a song together. I was pleasantly surprised to see that several family members were able to make it, so it was a good time. Afterwards, I ran a few errands then went back to my dad's for dinner.

Yesterday evening, my younger cousin returned from a cruise of the Caribbean and announced that he and his girlfriend of 5+ years got engaged on the trip! Needless to say, we were all very excited. He is the only boy in the family and the youngest, so he is like a son to all the aunts and like a little brother to me.

I also cannot overstate how pleased I am that we have the opportunity to cycle again this month. Many REs require a month or two of suppression on BCPs, so I was really glad that we could jump right in. Aside from the scheduling difficulty of cycling during the school year, it is so nice to just quietly cycle alone without having to explain my whereabouts to a bunch of coworkers.

Things That are Bad Right Now

I haven't been feeling 100% pretty much all week. I am pretty much over the emotional blow of the BFN and I am just back to the default bumpy sadness of bring childless. I feel great a lot of the time, and not-so-great some of the time. Physically, however, I don't feel my best.

I started the "EZ" fertility diet recently and didn't feel much different. I fell off the wagon a bit this weekend, but I am hoping to get back on schedule this week. I think I need to be a bit stricter with myself, however, because the food I was eating (and allowed to eat) didn't feel all that healthy.

There are no restrictions on caffeine or diet sodas on the diet, though, so I have been back to that a bit. I have had caffeine-like headaches each day and I think the change in my eating has led to some weird blood sugar disruptions that have made me feel a little off.

This summer, however, has been lonely much like last summer. I consciously chose not to overplan for the summer leaving plenty of time for RE appointments, procedures and bedrest, but that means that the lulls are pretty lonely. Everyone in my life is working all day or busy with their children and families, so it feels really weird to be literally the only one left behind with nothing to do.

Obviously, when you spend this much time bored and alone, you can't help but fixate on what you should be doing. Sure, I should be going to the gym or working on more crafts or whatever, but every cell in my body tells me that I should be taking care of our baby. I should be running errands for baby, feeding baby, doing baby's laundry, taking baby to visit C, Mom and Dad at work, taking baby to visit other friends and their kids.

My friends basically break down into two groups and surprisingly, there really is no overlap: single friends from college who are still working diligently in academia and career and married friends from work with at least two kids.

Some of my friends from college are in relationships, but none of those relationships are more than a year old and no one is headed to the altar, for sure. They are writing dissertations and excavating archaeological sites and screenwriting web comedies and attending writing conferences and studying for the bar exam. They are living in bustling cities like NY and LA, working, networking, attending events and drinking expensive cocktails in the evening. I still feel incredibly close to these friends and, quite honestly, I don't really envy their lifestyle. I did the academic thing, too, attending graduate school in the city, going to Ivy League happy hours and writing massive narratives about social justice, but I did it right out of college. I did it right away because even then I knew that C and I wanted to start a life together, start a family together.

When I entered the working world, I made a whole new crop of friends and, at the risk of sounding like a total-ivory-tower-@sshole, they are much more conventional. They are also good friends that make for great company at work and always remember birthdays, but I find that I am the only one left without children. Not only do their lives revolve around their children, which I know mine also will, but they are really into talking about all of the parenting things to which I cannot relate. It's one thing to show me pictures of your daughter winning the regional gymnastic championship or telling me a funny story about your kid's new catch phrase, but conversations about the merits of Pampers over Huggies is just isolating. I can't tell you anything about diaper rash or stretch marks and I certainly have no complaints about being a mom other than the fact that I'm not one and wish I was. Frankly, I don't give a sh*t about the expiration dates on Gymboree coupons and I hope that I will be a much more interesting mom than that.

I have lots of friends and I am super close to my whole family, but most days, there is not a single person I could call just to hang out. For someone as hyper-social as I am, that's really lonely.

Things That are Just Ugly (and in this case, "ugly" means TMI...)

I mentioned already that I am not feeling quite up to my normal spectacular self lately, but I didn't mention the ol' AF. Because it's gross.

There have always been two things that I could count on with complete regularity - my mom calling at 4pm every weekday and 9am on Saturdays, and my period being on time and following the same short, light sequence of events. Very rarely are either of these patterns interrupted.

This has been the longest and heaviest period of my life. If this month's AF were extra heavy, I would chalk it up to the Estrace plumping up the lining, but I didn't take any Estrace this past month. If I had taken Clomid, I would expect the distinct... umm... coloring and... uhh... texture. But no, this month has been heavy for me, which, from what I understand from other women, is about normal or light for everyone else. It also hasn't taken its typical 12-14 hour pause on CD4 or CD5. We are now heading into CD7 and it is just nearly ending. That is really long for me, too.

Does this mean that my body actually knew something was up last month? Or did the stims and cramping just wreak havoc? I have no idea what any of this means, other than the fact that I'm not used to having cramps that interfere with my life. Luckily, it seems to be wrapping up.

~~~

As far as cycling goes, it practically feels like I'm not cycling at all aside from those PIO vials staring me down with their threatening presence. I'm only taking Estrace two times per day right now and tomorrow I will start taking them three times per day. I feel like there is so little to report considering how many meds were involved last month. 

We won't know for another while whether or not our embies survive the thaw, so that's a post for another day. For now, I am just trying to stay hopeful, but not too hopeful. The IF optimist in my head keeps saying that a BFP this month would give us an absolutely ideal mid-May due date. The b*tch IF pessimist in my head, however, keeps reminding me that if this doesn't work, we are out of embies and out of money...

Let's see who wins.

Oh, the difference a FET makes!

My CD3 baseline was this morning, thanks to my zippy AF after stopping progesterone and we are already on a roll for FET #1. Today my lining was a 10 and I was given instructions to begin Estrace.

Here's the protocol so far:

- start Estrace today, one orally and one vaginally
- on 8/14, two orally and one vaginally
- on 8/16, three orally and one vaginally
- back on 8/22 for blood work and ultrasound

Did you think anything about that was weird? Yeah, me too. I got a big ol' bottle of tiny Estrace tablets all mixed together, and yet I am going to be using some of them vaginally. Super weird.

Anyway, I was surprised by how easy this FET will be, both on me and on the wallet. When I spoke to the IVF nurse yesterday, she placed my order for meds and they were delivered today. The pharmacy was slightly concerned that they would have the progesterone suppositories in time for delivery. I thought for a moment that I might save them some effort by using the full bottle I still have in the fridge, but apparently the RE wants me on suppositories with the same dosage, but added vitamin E. Crud.

Of the six meds in my order, five of them were all under $10. That's right, under $10. What a difference from last time. The most expensive item was the progesterone injection oil, which was about $150. All together, it came in under $200, which was fantastic news to me. That PIO terrifies me, however.

For now, I am only taking the Estrace, but when PIO time comes, I am going to be one unhappy camper. It's an IM shot (and we all know how I feel about those) and it will be daily, possibly twice daily. Ugh.

Well, the sharps container is back out of the closet, meds are lined up on the dresser and we are a "go" for FET #1!

Moving on to FET #1

It's actually been quite a whirlwind since the BFFN on Monday. After spending some time bumming around the house and just being silent, C and I decided to go out and look at the some furniture that we had been eyeing for some time.

We headed out to a local furniture store for some retail therapy and ended up buying a big sectional sofa for our basement. Admittedly, most of the house was decorated with no input from him, but this time, we basically just got whatever he wanted. I would normally be horrified by a sectional microfiber sofa with overstuffed arms and built-in cupholders, but it really made him happy. It's in the basement "manspace," so I felt it was totally appropriate.

Back at Christmastime, we received a Groupon for a three-hour whale and dolphin watching cruise in Cape May, NJ. Totally on a whim, we decided to make a reservation for Tuesday and just whisk off to the shore. With almost no notice or planning, we went to Cape May yesterday, spent four hours on the water just looking at dolphins and sea turtles (no whales, sadly) and just enjoying the day together. We went up to Wildwood and had dinner at a margarita bar, then just drove home, significantly more relaxed than we had been before.

Honestly, spending time with C cleaning out the basement to prepare for the new sofa, then jetting off to the beach was probably the best way for us to cope with the BFN. We both felt more at peace last night and ready to move on to the next step.

~~~

I was just beginning spotting at the beginning of this week, so AF arrived pretty much immediately after stopping progesterone. I called Cooper to make an appointment for baseline, then left a message for the IVF nurses to call me back. Much to my pleasant surprise, Cooper will not require a month of BCPs and is letting me go forward with the FET this month.

The nurses also called me back right away this morning and ordered my Estrace and PIO already. Tomorrow is already CD3, so it is kind of amazing and shocking how quickly we are back in the game.

Also rather touching, for the first time ever, C spent some time at work this morning researching FETs and sending me optimistic texts. He is building up hope again and that really warmed my heart. He found articles about how FETs can be more successful than fresh cycles and how only the best embryos survive the thaw, thus weeding out any embryos that might not make it in the long run. I'm not sure if this information coincides with what I have read elsewhere, but for now I am choosing to believe it.

Anyway, onwards with FET #1... 

Big. Fat. F*cking. Negative.

I don't feel like saying much right now. There's something about the biggest disappointment of your life carrying a $10,000 price tag that makes you less than talkative.

When I got home from the meeting today, I had a missed call and voicemail from Cooper. I warned C that I had tested, but watching his face while we listened to the message on speaker was pretty much in the top five worst things ever.

The directions are to stop all meds and call back on CD1. FML.

Better than I had feared...

Ever since I started POAS on Friday and was getting straight BFNs, I have been doing two things:

a. preparing myself for "the call" with the official BFN after beta
b. worrying about how much of a basketcase I would be

Right now, I am actually doing OK. I did the hour drive to Cooper this morning for my beta draw and was surprisingly at peace both ways. I am coming off of a weekend visit from a good college friend and we had a blast, so that really lifted my spirits. I am also heading out in about an hour for a meeting with a local independent school association to discuss a project I have been working on with a few former co-workers, so I have been distracted. "The call" will most likely come in while I am at this meeting, so that saves me the discomfort of hearing it from a live person in real time. Now I can just hear a recorded message and listen to it whenever I am ready.

I guess I have been preparing myself for the very real possibility of failure since long before my first injection, so it's been somewhat less painful. I have also been devoting some time and energy to prepping for an immediate FET, so that gives me some hope, I guess.

The only thing that is making this really hard is C's optimism. I almost didn't want him to know when beta was so that I could deal with this more deliberately, but the nurses went over the timeline with him, so he knows that's what I was doing today. He is excited and optimistic and that breaks my heart. I don't really want to have to break this to him later. Maybe we can just listen to the voicemail together so I don't have to be the one to do it.

~~~

Naturally for any neurotic IFer, what I have begun to do now is not only plan for an August or September FET, but also prepare for what to do if that fails. Or if the embies are poor quality. Or if they don't survive the thaw. At that point, we will be out of money and out of options.

Rubbing salt into the wound is some information that I learned this weekend about a friend. I was lucky enough to have two out-of-towner college friends in town this weekend and I learned some surprising news. My friend L was in town for another friend, S's wedding. I knew that S had met her husband very recently and that this was a rather quick wedding, but I did not know that she was 6 months pregnant with an "oops" baby conceived in their first month living together. That stung a little.

I will probably post again later tonight with the beta call, but for now, I am in a solemn, but not really sad or depressed mood. Just numb, I guess. I'll put it out of my mind for the next few hours, then we'll just have to see what the fallout is after "the call..."

Ugh...

I decided to be brave and test this morning at 8dp3dt. BFN. Stark white.

Part of me is hoping and praying that it is just too early and that we will have a different result, but I am already researching our next options. We currently have three embies on ice at the RE's office and I would like to see about doing a FET in August. If we don't do it now, I honestly don't know when we can cycle again. If the timing works out, December might be doable, but it really looks like it might have to be next summer.

I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed and just really numb. This sucks.

POAS Wimp

For the past few days, I had planned on testing tomorrow morning with FMU. I even picked up a multi-pack of FRERs during my last trip to the grocery store. I figured that tomorrow is 8dp3dt and it should be long enough that the trigger is gone. Monday is beta, so I can test tomorrow, then maybe again on Saturday and Sunday just to be prepared.

...But now I am freaking out. I am thinking about chickening out and pushing it until Friday. I am so freakin' scared of that pee stick.

I can't stop thinking about it and I am going through waves at this point. For the first few days after ET, I was feeling really optimistic. I was feeling KTFU. Every symptom and every feeling felt like my body was doing what it was supposed to do and taking care of those embies. I also let the optimism of the nurses and doctors get to my head. They just seemed so sure. You would think they would know better...

Lately, however, it's been waves of doubt. All experience and evidence from my previous IF history would indicate that this won't work. After all, it often takes several cycles of IVF to have success even with picture perfect response, lining and embies. Also, there's that huge factor that we have never had a positive. Ever.

Even worse, C is so optimistic. He has been running around taking care of everything and I just so desperately don't want to disappoint him. We are beginning to run out of options and it scares the sh*t out of me.

Whether or not I will POAS tomorrow morning is still up for internal debate, but I am freakin' terrified.