After the initial terror of the so-called "threatened miscarriage," each day was leaving me more reassured at the viability of this pregnancy. At first the ER docs were saying it was 50/50, then the RE's office was saying that the hematoma was completely normal and nothing to worry about. The bleeding stopped, I had no symptoms or pain and I was feeling great.
This week, my mom and I allowed ourselves to get a little excited about the baby. Knowing that she is the only person who knows besides C, she took on the role of fantasy co-pilot since I had no other outlet for our hopes and dreams. Yesterday at work, I got a text from my mom: Maybe we could go out shopping together tomorrow and just start fantasizing and looking at baby stuff. We wouldn't buy anything just yet, but we could look around, push some strollers and kick the tires, so to speak.
Even though I had an ultrasound on Monday, the RE wanted me to start having weekly visits and I didn't think that 11am on Mondays each week would suit my boss very well. She offered up an appointment a little early, but more conducive to my schedule. I signed up to come back to the Melrose Park office in PA yesterday afternoon at 5.
Despite MP being their Philadelphia area location, it took me over an hour to get there and it was a nightmarish drive through some of Philly's most notoriously trafficked roads - the Schuykill Expressway, Roosevelt Boulevard and Broad Street. The office has a very strange set-up that emphasizes Dr. Check's bizarre decor style even more than the Jersey office. I had my ultrasound right away from an also strange technician who seamlessly alternated from being super-polite to saying things like "I don't care about that, just tell me what happened here." It was weird.
As soon as the began the ultrasound, she confirmed that the baby was still in place and there was still a strong heartbeat - 143bpm. She did the rest of the scan making all sorts of measurements and it seemed pretty standard. Then I went out into the waiting room and waited for my name to be called over the loudspeaker. Once your name is called, you head up two flights of stairs to a little room to meet the nurse.
After a while, the nurse called for me and I went upstairs. She took my blood pressure and weight, then pulled me into another impossibly-smaller room with no chairs. She stood there and told me that everything during my scan wasn't so normal. She didn't comment on the old hematoma and I forgot to ask. She was telling me instead that I had a second, much larger hematoma, a subchorionic hematoma, lodged between my uterine wall and the embryo. Shit.
If this hematoma were to get larger, it could actually dislodge the baby from the wall and cause a miscarriage. However, they are still very common and many women with normal (non-IVF) pregnancies don't even know they have them as they often disappear before the 10 week prenatal appointment. She had showed the measurements and scans to Dr. Check and he had ordered an entire week of bed rest. Oh, and just to make things even better, the Melrose Park office will not be open late on Friday next week, so I have to make an appointment in the middle of the day. Again, shit.
I hate to belabor the point of my job and how little flexibility there is, so I will let the receptionist at the Jersey office do it for me. Last time I was there, I was trying to schedule appointments and I mentioned that I only get two personal days per year and that very day was one of them. She looked up from the computer and said, "You have a shitty job!"
When I asked earlier this year if I could miss a morning meeting for a doctor's appointment, my boss grimaced and asked me to change the appointment. Luckily, on that occasion, I could. A few weeks later when I had to leave work 30 minutes early on a Friday for our placement scan, she was overly concerned about me missing the middle school wiffleball tournament. That's right, I wasn't even missing a class or a meeting, but the wiffleball tournament. She whisked me through the halls asking teacher after teacher if it was a problem for them for me to miss it and if they could cover my class.
It is also worth mentioning that we do not have substitutes in our building. We don't hire outside ones, either. If someone is out, and inevitably at least one person is out everyday, we get a series of pleading emails from the secretary begging us to cover their classes. As each period is filled with a volunteer, another email update comes around begging for the rest of the slots. An email just like this came around yesterday, I am not only working Monday and beginning an important writing assignment with the kids, but I am covering a class for another teacher. Can you imagine a week of this??
In the car on the way home from the appointment, I called my mom and C to tell them what was going on. Of course, my mom's first response is that I have to do what the doctor says and worst case scenario, I can always find another job. This is not particularly helpful. I know that I sometimes have an inflated sense of duty about my job, but I don't see this happening. Naturally, C is annoyed again. He always diverts back to the unfairness of the whole sitation.
Right now, I am laying in bed propped up on pillows and I haven't seen C in hours. Did I mention he is not very good at taking care of others? He got up hours ago to take the dogs out and I have to assume that he is in the basement playing video games. When I finally reached my level of frustration and decided I could really use a drink, some breakfast and some help, I tried to call his phone. Of course, the next thing I heard was ringing right next to me on the pillow. Humph.
Perhaps it is a good thing that his band is playing a show this evening at a fall festival because that means my mom is coming over. She will not only not disappear, but she even helps me with laundry and other housekeeping.
Fortunately, C has a pretty small bladder, so I am hoping he will be coming upstairs to use the bathroom soon, but until then, I'm back to channel surfing. I'll update again when I figure out what to do about this bed rest debacle...
How many chicks do you know that have been to a scrapbooking convention and a tattoo convention in the same weekend? How many historians do you know that teach middle school science? I am a middle school teacher, metalhead and infertile wife just stuck here in the middle.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
7 Weeks!
Today is officially the seven week mark, so I figured it was time for an update. On my Bump posts, I have a ticker that gives a daily count of the baby's progress and I just can't stop looking at it! I figured I would snip today's look and post it here:
Follow-Up to Big Scare
After the bleeding scare on Saturday night, I was spotting lightly through Monday, but I haven't had any bleeding or spotting since, which is really reassuring. The sort-of common sense rule in the IF community is that brownish spotting usually is no concern as it is considered "old blood" and no cause for concern. It is the bright red variety that merits a call to the doctor. After the initial gush on Saturday night, I had light red spotting Sunday, then just the brown spotting for most of the day Sunday and Monday.
...And yes, I am fully aware that the above information is total TMI, but it's part of my reality unfortunately.
The Bladder Department
Ever since I was an infant, I was always famous for my infrequent bathroom visits. I rarely have to go and can usually overcome the need in the event of a bad public restroom or, heaven forbid, port-a-potty situation. Since becoming pregnant, I haven't really had the urge to go more often, but it has become important to schedule visits more often. Sure, it was convenient for the past seven years of teaching to go infrequently, but I am reminding myself more and more often to go throughout the day. Basically, and this is total TMI again, it seems like I need to go even though I don't feel like I need to go.
I am getting over a bad cold this week and I am still sneezing a lot. Let's just say that it has become imperative that my bladder be as empty as possible all the time in preparation for these sneezes and coughs. I have to wear regular pads overnight and for most of the morning because of the progesterone suppository discharge (it just keeps getting grosser, doesn't it?!) and I realized that this probably is a good idea for most of the day. I bought a few mega-packs of regular pads since I will be using progesterone up until about 10 weeks or so.
Nausea
It seems like most of the nausea I have experienced has been short waves, usually induced by something, or mostly cold-related. When riding as passenger in a car or smelling certain smells, I will usually feel a few waves of nausea undulating through my torso, but so far, they have never threatened actual vomiting.
On the cold front, however, I always get nausea and occasional vomiting after a cold or sinus infection. My stomach reacts to the mucus infection and I usually end up vomiting at some point. This week, I have had pretty much only this kind of nausea and I have even gotten rather gaggy on occasion.
Monitoring
Now that I am realizing that each of the three previous subsections have been completely disgusting, I figured it was time for an update on the actual bean. Tomorrow I will be heading into my RE's satellite location in Melrose Park, PA because they have extended hours on Fridays. After work, I will have my weekly ultrasound and blood work to check on the little embie and confirm my beta levels.
I will probably update again tomorrow with the results, but I certainly hope that everything is still OK in there!!
Follow-Up to Big Scare
After the bleeding scare on Saturday night, I was spotting lightly through Monday, but I haven't had any bleeding or spotting since, which is really reassuring. The sort-of common sense rule in the IF community is that brownish spotting usually is no concern as it is considered "old blood" and no cause for concern. It is the bright red variety that merits a call to the doctor. After the initial gush on Saturday night, I had light red spotting Sunday, then just the brown spotting for most of the day Sunday and Monday.
...And yes, I am fully aware that the above information is total TMI, but it's part of my reality unfortunately.
The Bladder Department
Ever since I was an infant, I was always famous for my infrequent bathroom visits. I rarely have to go and can usually overcome the need in the event of a bad public restroom or, heaven forbid, port-a-potty situation. Since becoming pregnant, I haven't really had the urge to go more often, but it has become important to schedule visits more often. Sure, it was convenient for the past seven years of teaching to go infrequently, but I am reminding myself more and more often to go throughout the day. Basically, and this is total TMI again, it seems like I need to go even though I don't feel like I need to go.
I am getting over a bad cold this week and I am still sneezing a lot. Let's just say that it has become imperative that my bladder be as empty as possible all the time in preparation for these sneezes and coughs. I have to wear regular pads overnight and for most of the morning because of the progesterone suppository discharge (it just keeps getting grosser, doesn't it?!) and I realized that this probably is a good idea for most of the day. I bought a few mega-packs of regular pads since I will be using progesterone up until about 10 weeks or so.
Nausea
It seems like most of the nausea I have experienced has been short waves, usually induced by something, or mostly cold-related. When riding as passenger in a car or smelling certain smells, I will usually feel a few waves of nausea undulating through my torso, but so far, they have never threatened actual vomiting.
On the cold front, however, I always get nausea and occasional vomiting after a cold or sinus infection. My stomach reacts to the mucus infection and I usually end up vomiting at some point. This week, I have had pretty much only this kind of nausea and I have even gotten rather gaggy on occasion.
Monitoring
Now that I am realizing that each of the three previous subsections have been completely disgusting, I figured it was time for an update on the actual bean. Tomorrow I will be heading into my RE's satellite location in Melrose Park, PA because they have extended hours on Fridays. After work, I will have my weekly ultrasound and blood work to check on the little embie and confirm my beta levels.
I will probably update again tomorrow with the results, but I certainly hope that everything is still OK in there!!
Monday, September 24, 2012
The Big Scare
On Saturday, I went out with my mom and the-little-girl-she-takes-care-of and we went to the mall, out to lunch and stopped for groceries. I felt pretty good all day, but in the car on the way home, I felt some cramping and an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Realizing that the brewery chicken with rich gravy was most likely the cause of the bathroom urge, I was more concerned about the cramping. I felt a sudden gush unlike I had ever felt during a period before and I was panic stricken.
At home, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding - bright red. There was even a clot or two and I immediately broke down. By this time, it was already late afternoon on a weekend, so there was no answer and no emergency callback at the RE's office, so I called my regular doctor. When the on-call physician called me back, I was in tears on the phone and he ever-so-calmly told me to go to the ER and get checked out.
At this point, my mom didn't even know that we were pregnant, so I laid in bed like a wreck just wondering what to do. I cried hysterically and finally got up the nerve to call my mom and ask her to take me to the ER. I didn't want to call C at work for fear that he would run out, speed to the hospital and get hurt, or even have to explain to work later why he tore out of there if we lost the baby. My mom flew over and took me to the ER. After her initial panic on the phone, she was calm and collected in the car and at the hospital.
They immediately checked me into one of those pod rooms with the curtain in the ER and had a nurse take my blood for a beta check and put in an IV. When we knew C was done work, my mom went out into the parking lot and called him to come in. When he arrived, he was devastated. He was angry and red in the face, but also so sad deep down. For whatever reason though, my spirits were a little higher in the hospital. Maybe because I felt like things would be OK, maybe because I felt like I had to be strong for him.
After a while, I had a full pelvic exam and I was alarmed by the amount of blood. I am typically a light bleeder during periods, so I was rather surprised by what I saw on the swabs and speculum. The nurses assured me, however, that this really wasn't that much. They would be more concerned if I was soaking through a pad in an hour or less. This seemed to be the rule of thumb and they kept asking me about this "one hour rule."
The pelvic exam provided no answers, at least not to me, other than to say that the bleeding was coming from the cervix. I had no idea if this was a good thing or bad. All I wanted was my ultrasound and blood work.
Finally, after more waiting, a transport person came and rolled me down the halls to the ultrasound room. The technician there was very sweet. The first thing she did was show me the embryo, still tucked into place in the fundus nowhere near the bleeding, and one little tiny heartbeat. The baby was OK.
She did a full scan with every possible measurement taken. She assured me that the bleeding was coming from the bottom of the uterus near the cervix and wasn't anywhere near the baby. As soon as she showed me that heartbeat, I just started crying there in the dark by myself. The scan took a long time, longer than any other scan I've had, then when she released me, I sat in the room for a while, then in the hallway waiting for someone to pick me up and take me back to the ER. I worried about my mom and C sitting down there having no idea what was going on.
When I was finally rolled back into the ER, they were relieved to tears when I told them that the baby was still in place and that I had seen the heartbeat.
Hours later, when the doctor finally returned, we were all sitting around eating vending machine crackers and watching Pawn Stars on TV. Even though we knew that the official news wasn't in, we were so relieved. He walked in saying, "Good news!" He explained that my beta was over 36,000 and that everything looked good. He said that there was a mass of soft tissue at the base of my uterus that was causing the bleeding, not near the baby.
Then he said that we were labeled as a "threatened miscarriage" and that about 50% of women continue on to full-term births after a threatened miscarriage, but 50% do not and lost the baby. How the hell is that good news?? We were stunned. We left feeling much better, but still concerned about this 50/50 diagnosis we had been given.
The ER doctor put me on bed rest for all day Sunday and Monday. He had spoken to Dr. Check right there that evening (at 9 something at night!) and they wanted me to go back to Cooper first thing Monday morning.
All day Sunday, C was pretty sick with a chest cold, so we just bummed around the house together. My mom visited for lunch because, of course, she is in full-scale "mom" worry mode. We sat on recliners in the basement watching both the Phillies and the Eagles lose consecutively, then we made a frozen pizza for dinner. C rented some movies and I emailed work and sent lesson plans, then we both went to bed pretty early.
My mom took off work today to take me to Cooper. She was terrified about me being alone or driving myself if the news wasn't good, so she insisted. She picked me up early and waited for me while I had an ultrasound, blood work and met with the pregnancy nurse.
Everyone at Cooper was just as calm as could be. They told me that I had a hematoma in the base of my uterus which is exceedingly common. The nurse and ultrasound technician said that they see this all the time and that it was normal. They also were horrified to hear that the pharmacist at the fertility pharmacy had told me to insert the progesterone suppositories as far as I could. They said that they should just barely go in the vagina and that this misuse was irritating my cervix, another cause for bleeding.
I got to have another ultrasound and see our little heartbeat again. Everything still looked OK. When I met with the nurse, she said that I even needed to pick a hospital to deliver this week! She said she wanted me to have an OB chosen and a prenatal appointment booked before I come back!
Could this really be happening? In less than 48 hours, I went from really honestly believing that I was losing a baby, to choosing my delivery hospital and talking about graduating!
After the appointments, my mom and I decided to meet C at work and take him to lunch to tell him the good news. Obviously, there is never any certainty with pregnancy, but it sure felt good to be back in the "normal" category. C was so relieved, not to mention happy to get out of work and have a burrito with his still-knocked-up wife.
I am going to work tomorrow, then I am off Wednesday, and back Thursday and Friday. After work on Friday, I have another blood draw and ultrasound to check on little bean, and by that time we will be 7w1d. Of course, I never want to wish a minute of pregnancy away after trying for so long, but every minute I get closer to that second trimester mark, I feel so much more at ease.
For now, I am taking it easy and hoping beyond all hope that this is our sticky baby...
At home, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding - bright red. There was even a clot or two and I immediately broke down. By this time, it was already late afternoon on a weekend, so there was no answer and no emergency callback at the RE's office, so I called my regular doctor. When the on-call physician called me back, I was in tears on the phone and he ever-so-calmly told me to go to the ER and get checked out.
At this point, my mom didn't even know that we were pregnant, so I laid in bed like a wreck just wondering what to do. I cried hysterically and finally got up the nerve to call my mom and ask her to take me to the ER. I didn't want to call C at work for fear that he would run out, speed to the hospital and get hurt, or even have to explain to work later why he tore out of there if we lost the baby. My mom flew over and took me to the ER. After her initial panic on the phone, she was calm and collected in the car and at the hospital.
They immediately checked me into one of those pod rooms with the curtain in the ER and had a nurse take my blood for a beta check and put in an IV. When we knew C was done work, my mom went out into the parking lot and called him to come in. When he arrived, he was devastated. He was angry and red in the face, but also so sad deep down. For whatever reason though, my spirits were a little higher in the hospital. Maybe because I felt like things would be OK, maybe because I felt like I had to be strong for him.
After a while, I had a full pelvic exam and I was alarmed by the amount of blood. I am typically a light bleeder during periods, so I was rather surprised by what I saw on the swabs and speculum. The nurses assured me, however, that this really wasn't that much. They would be more concerned if I was soaking through a pad in an hour or less. This seemed to be the rule of thumb and they kept asking me about this "one hour rule."
The pelvic exam provided no answers, at least not to me, other than to say that the bleeding was coming from the cervix. I had no idea if this was a good thing or bad. All I wanted was my ultrasound and blood work.
Finally, after more waiting, a transport person came and rolled me down the halls to the ultrasound room. The technician there was very sweet. The first thing she did was show me the embryo, still tucked into place in the fundus nowhere near the bleeding, and one little tiny heartbeat. The baby was OK.
She did a full scan with every possible measurement taken. She assured me that the bleeding was coming from the bottom of the uterus near the cervix and wasn't anywhere near the baby. As soon as she showed me that heartbeat, I just started crying there in the dark by myself. The scan took a long time, longer than any other scan I've had, then when she released me, I sat in the room for a while, then in the hallway waiting for someone to pick me up and take me back to the ER. I worried about my mom and C sitting down there having no idea what was going on.
When I was finally rolled back into the ER, they were relieved to tears when I told them that the baby was still in place and that I had seen the heartbeat.
Hours later, when the doctor finally returned, we were all sitting around eating vending machine crackers and watching Pawn Stars on TV. Even though we knew that the official news wasn't in, we were so relieved. He walked in saying, "Good news!" He explained that my beta was over 36,000 and that everything looked good. He said that there was a mass of soft tissue at the base of my uterus that was causing the bleeding, not near the baby.
Then he said that we were labeled as a "threatened miscarriage" and that about 50% of women continue on to full-term births after a threatened miscarriage, but 50% do not and lost the baby. How the hell is that good news?? We were stunned. We left feeling much better, but still concerned about this 50/50 diagnosis we had been given.
The ER doctor put me on bed rest for all day Sunday and Monday. He had spoken to Dr. Check right there that evening (at 9 something at night!) and they wanted me to go back to Cooper first thing Monday morning.
All day Sunday, C was pretty sick with a chest cold, so we just bummed around the house together. My mom visited for lunch because, of course, she is in full-scale "mom" worry mode. We sat on recliners in the basement watching both the Phillies and the Eagles lose consecutively, then we made a frozen pizza for dinner. C rented some movies and I emailed work and sent lesson plans, then we both went to bed pretty early.
My mom took off work today to take me to Cooper. She was terrified about me being alone or driving myself if the news wasn't good, so she insisted. She picked me up early and waited for me while I had an ultrasound, blood work and met with the pregnancy nurse.
Everyone at Cooper was just as calm as could be. They told me that I had a hematoma in the base of my uterus which is exceedingly common. The nurse and ultrasound technician said that they see this all the time and that it was normal. They also were horrified to hear that the pharmacist at the fertility pharmacy had told me to insert the progesterone suppositories as far as I could. They said that they should just barely go in the vagina and that this misuse was irritating my cervix, another cause for bleeding.
I got to have another ultrasound and see our little heartbeat again. Everything still looked OK. When I met with the nurse, she said that I even needed to pick a hospital to deliver this week! She said she wanted me to have an OB chosen and a prenatal appointment booked before I come back!
Could this really be happening? In less than 48 hours, I went from really honestly believing that I was losing a baby, to choosing my delivery hospital and talking about graduating!
After the appointments, my mom and I decided to meet C at work and take him to lunch to tell him the good news. Obviously, there is never any certainty with pregnancy, but it sure felt good to be back in the "normal" category. C was so relieved, not to mention happy to get out of work and have a burrito with his still-knocked-up wife.
I am going to work tomorrow, then I am off Wednesday, and back Thursday and Friday. After work on Friday, I have another blood draw and ultrasound to check on little bean, and by that time we will be 7w1d. Of course, I never want to wish a minute of pregnancy away after trying for so long, but every minute I get closer to that second trimester mark, I feel so much more at ease.
For now, I am taking it easy and hoping beyond all hope that this is our sticky baby...
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Symptoms?
I am having relatively few symptoms at this point, which isn't really surprising, I guess.
I heard somewhere that the more hormonal/moody/symptomatic you are during regular cycles, the more you will be during pregnancy, and I have never experienced period-related symptoms. In my early-twenties, I started getting cramps on CD1-2, but I had never had cramps before as a teenager. I have never experienced PMS or moodiness, so I guess a general lack of symptoms is to be expected, that is, if you believe the old wives' tale.
On Friday, I was super-nauseous, but as I described before, I credit that more to the orange juice than anything else. I have been getting waves of occasional nausea and it is becoming slightly uncomfortable to wear jeans fully buttoned, but other than that, I feel really good.
I have been slowly building a tendency for indigestion and acid reflux over the past few months, so I can't blame it directly on pregnancy, but the list of no-no foods has increased.
It is now uncomfortable to eat/drink the following things:
1. oranges, especially orange juice
2. apple juice
3. bananas (though I like them enough that I have just been following them with a Tums)
4. jarred salsa (fresher, pico de gallo-style is still OK)
5. darker tomato sauces (again, fresher, more "tomatoey" kinds are still OK)
I used to poke fun of my mom for carrying around a little baggie of Tums, but it looks like this is genetic and it's in my very near future!
I heard somewhere that the more hormonal/moody/symptomatic you are during regular cycles, the more you will be during pregnancy, and I have never experienced period-related symptoms. In my early-twenties, I started getting cramps on CD1-2, but I had never had cramps before as a teenager. I have never experienced PMS or moodiness, so I guess a general lack of symptoms is to be expected, that is, if you believe the old wives' tale.
On Friday, I was super-nauseous, but as I described before, I credit that more to the orange juice than anything else. I have been getting waves of occasional nausea and it is becoming slightly uncomfortable to wear jeans fully buttoned, but other than that, I feel really good.
I have been slowly building a tendency for indigestion and acid reflux over the past few months, so I can't blame it directly on pregnancy, but the list of no-no foods has increased.
It is now uncomfortable to eat/drink the following things:
1. oranges, especially orange juice
2. apple juice
3. bananas (though I like them enough that I have just been following them with a Tums)
4. jarred salsa (fresher, pico de gallo-style is still OK)
5. darker tomato sauces (again, fresher, more "tomatoey" kinds are still OK)
I used to poke fun of my mom for carrying around a little baggie of Tums, but it looks like this is genetic and it's in my very near future!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Ultrasound #1 is in the books!
After my arduous blood draw on Wednesday, the pregnancy nurse called me back with the 2933 beta and told me that I should come into the office on Friday for beta #4. This was because she wanted an ultrasound in addition to the blood draw.
I made the appointment for late Friday afternoon and luckily for me, C was off from work. Earlier that morning, I made the mistake of drinking orange juice with breakfast. I might as well have consumed battery acid because I had horrific heartburn, indigestion and nausea for the rest of the day. Either way, I got another teacher to kindly cover my class during the afternoon's wiffleball tournament festivities and headed off to check on our little bean.
We had a blood draw and ultrasound at 3:15, then we had an appointment to meet with the pregnancy nurse at 4. During the ultrasound, we were relieved to see that there was one sac and one yolk sac growing on goal with the 5w1d timing and that they were perfectly placed in the uterus. For some reason C was a tiny bit disappointed that there was only one little embie instead of twins, but I am happy to see anything healthy.
We will not receive the results for beta #4 until Monday when the pregnancy nurse does her callback, but the rest of the appointment was so great that I am not worrying about this number nearly as much as earlier in the week. The pregnancy nurse was super nice to us and had nothing but good news to share. She gave us a big packet of "dos and don'ts" for eating during pregnancy, then a whole bag of prenatal vitamin samples so I can see which ones my stomach tolerates best. (They are also free which is a nice perk.)
She said that everything looked great with our betas and ultrasound and that we were officially 5w1d on Friday and due on May 16, 2012. She also did a vaginal swab to determine how well the cells were absorbing progesterone and the cells were rated as "superior." All in all, it was a great appointment.
We have another beta and ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, September 24 and my next goal is to see a heartbeat. C and I are still trying to decide at what point we feel comfortable sharing the news with others. I would like to tell my mom fairly soon, and immediate family a little later, but friends and coworkers are probably going to have to wait until November when we are officially in the second trimester.
This is all just so exciting - I can't wait until the real preparations begin! I have planned for this for so long, it's hard to believe it is finally coming true!
I made the appointment for late Friday afternoon and luckily for me, C was off from work. Earlier that morning, I made the mistake of drinking orange juice with breakfast. I might as well have consumed battery acid because I had horrific heartburn, indigestion and nausea for the rest of the day. Either way, I got another teacher to kindly cover my class during the afternoon's wiffleball tournament festivities and headed off to check on our little bean.
We had a blood draw and ultrasound at 3:15, then we had an appointment to meet with the pregnancy nurse at 4. During the ultrasound, we were relieved to see that there was one sac and one yolk sac growing on goal with the 5w1d timing and that they were perfectly placed in the uterus. For some reason C was a tiny bit disappointed that there was only one little embie instead of twins, but I am happy to see anything healthy.
We will not receive the results for beta #4 until Monday when the pregnancy nurse does her callback, but the rest of the appointment was so great that I am not worrying about this number nearly as much as earlier in the week. The pregnancy nurse was super nice to us and had nothing but good news to share. She gave us a big packet of "dos and don'ts" for eating during pregnancy, then a whole bag of prenatal vitamin samples so I can see which ones my stomach tolerates best. (They are also free which is a nice perk.)
She said that everything looked great with our betas and ultrasound and that we were officially 5w1d on Friday and due on May 16, 2012. She also did a vaginal swab to determine how well the cells were absorbing progesterone and the cells were rated as "superior." All in all, it was a great appointment.
We have another beta and ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, September 24 and my next goal is to see a heartbeat. C and I are still trying to decide at what point we feel comfortable sharing the news with others. I would like to tell my mom fairly soon, and immediate family a little later, but friends and coworkers are probably going to have to wait until November when we are officially in the second trimester.
This is all just so exciting - I can't wait until the real preparations begin! I have planned for this for so long, it's hard to believe it is finally coming true!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
2933!
Beta #3 is in and I am happy to report that it was worth all the stabbing, fishing and prodding.
2933!
According to the nurse, my progesterone and estradiol levels were excellent and I am due for an early ultrasound on Friday to check for placement of the embryo.
I am so excited, but a little nervous... I hope this little bean is in the right place!
2933!
According to the nurse, my progesterone and estradiol levels were excellent and I am due for an early ultrasound on Friday to check for placement of the embryo.
I am so excited, but a little nervous... I hope this little bean is in the right place!
The Human Pincushion
I am so so so so so so pleased and grateful to finally be pregnant, but, boy, am I tired of being stabbed.
I just had to order a new sharps container to replace the overflowing one we have already filled with dozens of Menopur and Bravelle syringes, a handful of Lupron, a few triggers and mountains of PIO. That, of course, is in addition to the dozens and dozens of blood draws I have had in the past two plus years of treatment.
My "good" vein on my left arm has actually collapsed three times from overdrawing, and today was yet another troublesome situation.
Fortunately, I have two free periods in a row this year, so on Monday and today I have ducked out (with permission, of course) to go to the local lab for blood draws. Monday was very smooth, but my vein has had a pretty easy few weeks. Besides beta #1 on Saturday, it hadn't been hit since three days after transfer back in August.
Today, however, was a whole different story. I showed up nearly a half-hour early for my appointment hoping to be squeezed in and there wasn't anyone there, so I got right in. The technician stuck me in the good vein - no blood. She fished around for more than five minutes (I know because I was looking at the clock), then gave up and tried my right arm. Dread began setting in because this scenario has happened to me before...
She tried the right arm - no blood, even with even more fishing around. Now I am retracing whether or not I drank enough fluids before coming in. I had a bottle of juice, but no water in my rush to leave. Here we go again.
I guzzled a few cups of water under her direction and sat there while two other patients were drawn with the greatest of ease. She came back to me and tried the left arm again. Apparently the fact that the stick spot is bleeding and reacting to the tourniquet is a good sign. More sticking, more fishing - no blood.
I am watching the clock tick away and I need to be back to work in twenty minutes. Another technician comes in for her shift and it is the same technician from Monday. As a last ditch effort, my technician asks the new shift technician to try my arm. She pokes, prods, flicks and preps the vein much more thoroughly than the other technician and ties the tourniquet much tighter.
And finally, after four stabs, more than ten minutes of fishing and nearly 45 minutes in the chair, she is successful.
I just had to order a new sharps container to replace the overflowing one we have already filled with dozens of Menopur and Bravelle syringes, a handful of Lupron, a few triggers and mountains of PIO. That, of course, is in addition to the dozens and dozens of blood draws I have had in the past two plus years of treatment.
My "good" vein on my left arm has actually collapsed three times from overdrawing, and today was yet another troublesome situation.
Fortunately, I have two free periods in a row this year, so on Monday and today I have ducked out (with permission, of course) to go to the local lab for blood draws. Monday was very smooth, but my vein has had a pretty easy few weeks. Besides beta #1 on Saturday, it hadn't been hit since three days after transfer back in August.
Today, however, was a whole different story. I showed up nearly a half-hour early for my appointment hoping to be squeezed in and there wasn't anyone there, so I got right in. The technician stuck me in the good vein - no blood. She fished around for more than five minutes (I know because I was looking at the clock), then gave up and tried my right arm. Dread began setting in because this scenario has happened to me before...
She tried the right arm - no blood, even with even more fishing around. Now I am retracing whether or not I drank enough fluids before coming in. I had a bottle of juice, but no water in my rush to leave. Here we go again.
I guzzled a few cups of water under her direction and sat there while two other patients were drawn with the greatest of ease. She came back to me and tried the left arm again. Apparently the fact that the stick spot is bleeding and reacting to the tourniquet is a good sign. More sticking, more fishing - no blood.
I am watching the clock tick away and I need to be back to work in twenty minutes. Another technician comes in for her shift and it is the same technician from Monday. As a last ditch effort, my technician asks the new shift technician to try my arm. She pokes, prods, flicks and preps the vein much more thoroughly than the other technician and ties the tourniquet much tighter.
And finally, after four stabs, more than ten minutes of fishing and nearly 45 minutes in the chair, she is successful.
~~~
Today's beta was a little different from Monday's. First of all, they remembered to check the "stat" box so that hopefully the results will be in by the end of the day instead of some time late tomorrow afternoon, so that is a huge relief. Also, they drew an additional vial for a test that wasn't ordered on Monday. I can't remember the name of the test, and I wish I could so I could google it. Hopefully, it's a sign of progress.
I am also hoping that my next post will be later today instead of tomorrow. And I am really hoping that this number is above 2000...
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Overwhelmed with Anxiety
Maybe it seems like I am overposting about this, but I cannot emphasize enough how stressful these past two days have been.
For whatever reason, after I got off the initial high of the BFP and the first beta, an enormous feeling of anxiety and dread overcame me yesterday. Sitting at the LabCorp waiting room, I was extremely nauseous, and it sure didn't seem pregnancy related. I felt like I was about to appear in court or speak in front of 1000s of people. That kind of panicky nervousness that leads to nausea.
By the end of the day yesterday, after checking my phone dozens of times, I was nearly shaking. This is typically not like me. I am usually cool as a cucumber, but this anxiety was overwhelming.
I had a tutoring appointment right after school, so I left a message at Cooper just to make sure they knew I had not yet received a call. I went to my tutoring appointment and while the distraction made me somewhat more calm, I was still glancing frequently at my phone and feeling the paranoia.
It messes with your head when you have known nothing but failure for more than three-and-a-half years. And you have seen so many chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages on the boards that the grey cloud of IF just never releases you from the fear.
I had a feeling of certainty, a kind of high, with the first beta draw. I had tested so many times and the results were so certain and strong. But the next big step was beta #2 and I have nothing to base this on. I don't have an HPT I can take or any frame of reference. I am relying wholeheartedly on this test and there is nothing I can do but wait.
Today I left another message at Cooper just to make sure that I was called in the event that the results (finally) arrived. My heart skipped a beat as my phone rang during my 6th period class. Cooper was calling and there was nothing I could do.
Knowing that this might have been a bad decision, I quickly listened to the voicemail in between classes. It would be more than two hours until I could call them back, but I just had to know. Of course, they didn't give me any details over the message - they were just telling me to call back.
For the remainder of the school day, I could feel myself stressing majorly. My hands were practically shaking, my heart is pounding and all I wanted to do was run outside and return the call. But I was stuck.
The message was really vague and this caused the panic to intensify. Basically, they told me to call back. I thought to myself, If it was good news, they would just say it. They want me to call back because it's bad news.
So I teach 7th period. And then I proctor my study hall session. And I answer questions about the math class I don't even teach. And I type up documents and update my website. On the outside, I am carrying out the basic functions of my job, but on the inside I am cowering and wincing and crying and panicking.
As soon as the dismissal bell rings, I chase the kids out the door and slam my door shut. I pull up the voicemail for the name and number of the nurse. As I am listening, my phone rings and Cooper is calling me back. I answer it.
...and my second beta is 1176.
...and it more than doubled.
...and my levels look great.
...and today I am still pregnant.
I honestly can't see too much of this anxiety ebbing, either. For the rest of the nine months (hoping and wishing that it lasts), I will have countless opportunities to completely meltdown with fear. I will almost certainly freak before the anatomy scan and each ultrasound. I will freak when I feel something strange, or don't feel anything at all. I will freak before we go into labor, and then I will most likely have a lifetime of fears and anxieties about my child.
I guess that's just a big part of pregnancy and becoming a parent. You constantly worry. It's just that much more terrifying when you experience IF because the chances of certain calamities are a little higher, and the chances of conceiving again are so much lower. All in all, it sucks.
For whatever reason, after I got off the initial high of the BFP and the first beta, an enormous feeling of anxiety and dread overcame me yesterday. Sitting at the LabCorp waiting room, I was extremely nauseous, and it sure didn't seem pregnancy related. I felt like I was about to appear in court or speak in front of 1000s of people. That kind of panicky nervousness that leads to nausea.
By the end of the day yesterday, after checking my phone dozens of times, I was nearly shaking. This is typically not like me. I am usually cool as a cucumber, but this anxiety was overwhelming.
I had a tutoring appointment right after school, so I left a message at Cooper just to make sure they knew I had not yet received a call. I went to my tutoring appointment and while the distraction made me somewhat more calm, I was still glancing frequently at my phone and feeling the paranoia.
It messes with your head when you have known nothing but failure for more than three-and-a-half years. And you have seen so many chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages on the boards that the grey cloud of IF just never releases you from the fear.
I had a feeling of certainty, a kind of high, with the first beta draw. I had tested so many times and the results were so certain and strong. But the next big step was beta #2 and I have nothing to base this on. I don't have an HPT I can take or any frame of reference. I am relying wholeheartedly on this test and there is nothing I can do but wait.
Today I left another message at Cooper just to make sure that I was called in the event that the results (finally) arrived. My heart skipped a beat as my phone rang during my 6th period class. Cooper was calling and there was nothing I could do.
Knowing that this might have been a bad decision, I quickly listened to the voicemail in between classes. It would be more than two hours until I could call them back, but I just had to know. Of course, they didn't give me any details over the message - they were just telling me to call back.
For the remainder of the school day, I could feel myself stressing majorly. My hands were practically shaking, my heart is pounding and all I wanted to do was run outside and return the call. But I was stuck.
The message was really vague and this caused the panic to intensify. Basically, they told me to call back. I thought to myself, If it was good news, they would just say it. They want me to call back because it's bad news.
So I teach 7th period. And then I proctor my study hall session. And I answer questions about the math class I don't even teach. And I type up documents and update my website. On the outside, I am carrying out the basic functions of my job, but on the inside I am cowering and wincing and crying and panicking.
As soon as the dismissal bell rings, I chase the kids out the door and slam my door shut. I pull up the voicemail for the name and number of the nurse. As I am listening, my phone rings and Cooper is calling me back. I answer it.
...and my second beta is 1176.
...and it more than doubled.
...and my levels look great.
...and today I am still pregnant.
~~~
I honestly can't see too much of this anxiety ebbing, either. For the rest of the nine months (hoping and wishing that it lasts), I will have countless opportunities to completely meltdown with fear. I will almost certainly freak before the anatomy scan and each ultrasound. I will freak when I feel something strange, or don't feel anything at all. I will freak before we go into labor, and then I will most likely have a lifetime of fears and anxieties about my child.
I guess that's just a big part of pregnancy and becoming a parent. You constantly worry. It's just that much more terrifying when you experience IF because the chances of certain calamities are a little higher, and the chances of conceiving again are so much lower. All in all, it sucks.
Monday, September 10, 2012
I know it's a cliche...
...but IF and this early pregnancy are like an emotional rollercoaster.
All weekend I was on cloud nine. I was so excited and optimistic. My first beta number was really good and those +HPTs had me dreaming.
Beta #2 was this morning and for absolutely no reason, I am a ball of anxiety. I was practically nauseous with fear and I still am. I have no idea why this is so much more nervewracking, but it is.
I'm sitting here checking my phone every few minutes and it's making me insane... Please, please, please let it double! Please!
All weekend I was on cloud nine. I was so excited and optimistic. My first beta number was really good and those +HPTs had me dreaming.
Beta #2 was this morning and for absolutely no reason, I am a ball of anxiety. I was practically nauseous with fear and I still am. I have no idea why this is so much more nervewracking, but it is.
I'm sitting here checking my phone every few minutes and it's making me insane... Please, please, please let it double! Please!
Saturday, September 8, 2012
The Beta is In...
...and this is the post that will make you think I am crazy, that is, if you don't already.
Last night when I was telling C about the beta, I said that I wanted a number over 100, but that for whatever reason, I really wanted something in the 400s. That would be better.
I didn't mention this to him at the time, but I was stuck on this number all day. Even before I told him, I kept thinking over and over, It should be around 455. I want 455. I have no idea why, I was just fixated on this number.
C was going paintballing today with some guys from my work, many of whom he has never met before. To make him more comfortable, I tagged along for the ride up, then I planned to run some errands in the area, then go back and pick him up. The whole way there, he was fixated on this phone call. He wanted the call to come in before we got to the paintball park, but I told him that this was unlikely and that the call could come anywhere between 11am and 5pm.
Of course, when we were just a mile or two away from the place, my phone rings. The nurse excitedly tells me that it is positive and congratulates me. The beta was 456. I kid you not.
For now, the protocol is to continue with three daily Estrace, 2cc of PIO and the progesterone suppositories. All of my levels looked really good, so we're continuing with the same dosages. She also said to add a prenatal vitamin, but I have already been taking these for a few weeks. I was beginning to run low on vitamins, so I added this to the list of errands for the day.
At Walmart (while C was running around the woods covered in paint), I picked up a new weekly pill organizer, more vitamins, and a bunch of other household crap that we needed. I even allowed myself to wander through the baby section, not because I wanted anything, but because it was no longer painful to be there.
I don't have any official pregnancy instructions yet, but I am definitely cutting as many chemicals and artificial ingredients as possible. I gave up my beloved Diet Coke a few days ago (I probably should have done this a long time ago, but hey...) and I am trying not to eat junk.
I have to return on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and hopefully Sunday for four more betas and this stressed me out a bit. As much as this is the most important thing in the world to me right now, I don't see my job looking kindly on me missing my first class three days this week. Luckily, the IVF nurse said that I could use a local storefront lab and just have the reports sent to Cooper, so this is probably what I am going to do.
...And now we wait and think happy, beta-doubling thoughts...
Last night when I was telling C about the beta, I said that I wanted a number over 100, but that for whatever reason, I really wanted something in the 400s. That would be better.
I didn't mention this to him at the time, but I was stuck on this number all day. Even before I told him, I kept thinking over and over, It should be around 455. I want 455. I have no idea why, I was just fixated on this number.
C was going paintballing today with some guys from my work, many of whom he has never met before. To make him more comfortable, I tagged along for the ride up, then I planned to run some errands in the area, then go back and pick him up. The whole way there, he was fixated on this phone call. He wanted the call to come in before we got to the paintball park, but I told him that this was unlikely and that the call could come anywhere between 11am and 5pm.
Of course, when we were just a mile or two away from the place, my phone rings. The nurse excitedly tells me that it is positive and congratulates me. The beta was 456. I kid you not.
For now, the protocol is to continue with three daily Estrace, 2cc of PIO and the progesterone suppositories. All of my levels looked really good, so we're continuing with the same dosages. She also said to add a prenatal vitamin, but I have already been taking these for a few weeks. I was beginning to run low on vitamins, so I added this to the list of errands for the day.
At Walmart (while C was running around the woods covered in paint), I picked up a new weekly pill organizer, more vitamins, and a bunch of other household crap that we needed. I even allowed myself to wander through the baby section, not because I wanted anything, but because it was no longer painful to be there.
I don't have any official pregnancy instructions yet, but I am definitely cutting as many chemicals and artificial ingredients as possible. I gave up my beloved Diet Coke a few days ago (I probably should have done this a long time ago, but hey...) and I am trying not to eat junk.
I have to return on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and hopefully Sunday for four more betas and this stressed me out a bit. As much as this is the most important thing in the world to me right now, I don't see my job looking kindly on me missing my first class three days this week. Luckily, the IVF nurse said that I could use a local storefront lab and just have the reports sent to Cooper, so this is probably what I am going to do.
...And now we wait and think happy, beta-doubling thoughts...
Sharing the News
I was going to wait until today to tell C, but after spending most of the afternoon thinking about it, I decided to tell him last night. I figured that since the HPT really was so dark, there wasn't much risk in it being unreliable, plus I really thought that he would like to know.
Given the inevitable anxiety about impending doom related to IF, I didn't want to make to much of a fuss, but I did want it to be thoughtful and special. I stopped at the mall on the way home from work and spent about $10 on my big, fabulous surprise.
As I have mentioned before, C and I (and our whole family, for that matter) are huge Phils fans. And Eagles fans. And Flyers fans. But mostly Phillies fans. C has been itching to finally commit to season tickets even though we've been going to dozens of games per season without them. He's been bugging me about it, so I thought I would mess with his head a little.
I wrote up a quick card that said, "I know the Phils haven't been playing as well this year as we had hoped, but there's always next year. This is for next year - you might need it." Of course, I had him completely fooled. As he opened the card, he was all excited, but for totally different reasons.
In the bag was a little Phillies onesie. At first, he just said, "Aww," but looked a little confused. I had already bought him a onesie a while back that said "I listen to death metal with my daddy," but we weren't expecting then. It was just one of those you'll-never-find-this-again-so-just-buy-it-now things. So at first, he's thinking it's another one of these.
Then he says, "Wait. I might need it," and he's piecing it together. I whipped the +HPT from my pocket and he was totally dumbfounded. I told him that the official test was today, but that the line was dark and appeared quickly, so that was a really good sign.
We were on our way out the door to have dinner at a local Italian place, so we discussed it further in the car. I told him that I had tested earlier yesterday morning, but that I just didn't tell him yet. And I told him about how it really hit me when I got that email about the wedding and that we could be parents then. He was excited, overjoyed, but still a little apprehensive.
What are the chances that this isn't real? Can these tests be wrong? When will we know for sure? I must admit, it made me a little sad to see that the very-real nagging anxiety of IF was stuck like a burr in his brain just like mine, and this was the first time I was seeing it.
On the way home from our rather late dinner, he insisted that we stop at a 24-hour Rite Aid and pick up more tests, just to be sure. I had taken a FRER, which is more sensitive than most tests, so I really wanted to take a digital or something a little different. Lucky for me, Clearblue makes a "Double Check" kit that includes two tests of two types - a digital and a plain color-based test.
After dinner, I tested again:
Now this is really starting to feel real. And for the first time in my life, I stared at that test while the little hourglass spun around and I knew. I knew it would be positive. For the first time ever, I felt good about it.
This morning, I think my subconscious was even more excited about beta than my conscious mind. I planned to get up around 7am and leave around 7:30am for the beta. I got up, got dressed and headed for the bathroom for another test. Looking at the clock in the bathroom, I realized that it was not 7:30am, but 6:30am. I woke up an hour early. There was absolutely no going back to sleep, however, and I was already dressed, so I showed up at the RE's office at 7:30am.
And here is the test from this morning:
At beta draw, the phlebotomist asked me if I had tested. I told her that I had tested three times, starting yesterday morning. She said that in all her years, she had never seen a beta come back negative after +HPTs, so we should plan to come back Monday for beta #2.
I can't believe this is really happening... Please let this be the sticky one!
Given the inevitable anxiety about impending doom related to IF, I didn't want to make to much of a fuss, but I did want it to be thoughtful and special. I stopped at the mall on the way home from work and spent about $10 on my big, fabulous surprise.
As I have mentioned before, C and I (and our whole family, for that matter) are huge Phils fans. And Eagles fans. And Flyers fans. But mostly Phillies fans. C has been itching to finally commit to season tickets even though we've been going to dozens of games per season without them. He's been bugging me about it, so I thought I would mess with his head a little.
I wrote up a quick card that said, "I know the Phils haven't been playing as well this year as we had hoped, but there's always next year. This is for next year - you might need it." Of course, I had him completely fooled. As he opened the card, he was all excited, but for totally different reasons.
In the bag was a little Phillies onesie. At first, he just said, "Aww," but looked a little confused. I had already bought him a onesie a while back that said "I listen to death metal with my daddy," but we weren't expecting then. It was just one of those you'll-never-find-this-again-so-just-buy-it-now things. So at first, he's thinking it's another one of these.
Then he says, "Wait. I might need it," and he's piecing it together. I whipped the +HPT from my pocket and he was totally dumbfounded. I told him that the official test was today, but that the line was dark and appeared quickly, so that was a really good sign.
We were on our way out the door to have dinner at a local Italian place, so we discussed it further in the car. I told him that I had tested earlier yesterday morning, but that I just didn't tell him yet. And I told him about how it really hit me when I got that email about the wedding and that we could be parents then. He was excited, overjoyed, but still a little apprehensive.
What are the chances that this isn't real? Can these tests be wrong? When will we know for sure? I must admit, it made me a little sad to see that the very-real nagging anxiety of IF was stuck like a burr in his brain just like mine, and this was the first time I was seeing it.
On the way home from our rather late dinner, he insisted that we stop at a 24-hour Rite Aid and pick up more tests, just to be sure. I had taken a FRER, which is more sensitive than most tests, so I really wanted to take a digital or something a little different. Lucky for me, Clearblue makes a "Double Check" kit that includes two tests of two types - a digital and a plain color-based test.
After dinner, I tested again:
Now this is really starting to feel real. And for the first time in my life, I stared at that test while the little hourglass spun around and I knew. I knew it would be positive. For the first time ever, I felt good about it.
This morning, I think my subconscious was even more excited about beta than my conscious mind. I planned to get up around 7am and leave around 7:30am for the beta. I got up, got dressed and headed for the bathroom for another test. Looking at the clock in the bathroom, I realized that it was not 7:30am, but 6:30am. I woke up an hour early. There was absolutely no going back to sleep, however, and I was already dressed, so I showed up at the RE's office at 7:30am.
And here is the test from this morning:
At beta draw, the phlebotomist asked me if I had tested. I told her that I had tested three times, starting yesterday morning. She said that in all her years, she had never seen a beta come back negative after +HPTs, so we should plan to come back Monday for beta #2.
I can't believe this is really happening... Please let this be the sticky one!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Two More Quick Things
1. I can't stop thinking about all of the amazing things that I might be able to do in the next nine months - things that I have been dreaming about for years! I can't stop smiling and I have a lump in my throat to just happy-cry all the way home from work.
2. I just got an email from my aunt about my (close-to-me-like-a-brother) cousin's wedding. They just got engaged a few weeks ago and she is understandibly excited about planning the occasion. She sent me pictures of the venue and the date they booked... And then I realized that by the time this wedding happens next September, I could be a mom. And now the lump in my throat is back.
2. I just got an email from my aunt about my (close-to-me-like-a-brother) cousin's wedding. They just got engaged a few weeks ago and she is understandibly excited about planning the occasion. She sent me pictures of the venue and the date they booked... And then I realized that by the time this wedding happens next September, I could be a mom. And now the lump in my throat is back.
Holy. F@$#ing. Crap.
Beta is scheduled for tomorrow and IVFs and FETs, I absolutely have to POAS first. IUIs were cheap and unlimited in my insurance and research study situation, so I considered it rather "low stakes cycling." BFNs totally sucked, don't get me wrong, but at least they weren't financially devastating and there was always another IUI if we wanted it.
I consider IVFs and FETs to be "high stakes cycling." Each one is expensive and requires an incredible time commitment and emotional toll. It really is a grueling process to endure and the BFNs are even more painful.
That said, I cannot sit around on beta day waiting for that call. I would go absolutely insane. So I POAS first. During IVF #1, I bought a big ol' megapack of FRER HPTs and started testing a few days before beta. After several consecutive BFNs, I put that one last HPT back in the closet and basically gave up. When beta was eventually drawn, it was a much expected BFN.
The beta for this FET was scheduled for today, but I planned on going in tomorrow morning because it is generally frowned upon to miss work in this first week back at school. Knowing that I needed to POAS, I decided to test this morning. I just knew yesterday as I was thinking (OK, stressing) about it that it would be a BFN and that testing right before going to work probably wasn't a good idea.
But I did it anyway...
Not only were there two lines, but the second line was a big, fat dark line that showed up almost immediately. I honestly could not believe what I was seeing.
I jumped in the shower while C was still sleeping in the other room and I was literally crying the whole time. I was in such a tizzy this morning that I forgot to put on moisturizer or makeup, and an itchy patch of skin on my temple is reminding me of this fact. I left in a hurry and I haven't stopped smiling since.
I am going in for beta tomorrow and I am hoping for a good beta number since the line was so dark and appeared so quickly. I really want to surprise C with the news, but I want the beta call first. Luckily, he will be paintballing with friends all day tomorrow, so I can wait for the call and plan something all day without having him around.
Please let this be it! Everything is just too perfect for this to fail...
I consider IVFs and FETs to be "high stakes cycling." Each one is expensive and requires an incredible time commitment and emotional toll. It really is a grueling process to endure and the BFNs are even more painful.
That said, I cannot sit around on beta day waiting for that call. I would go absolutely insane. So I POAS first. During IVF #1, I bought a big ol' megapack of FRER HPTs and started testing a few days before beta. After several consecutive BFNs, I put that one last HPT back in the closet and basically gave up. When beta was eventually drawn, it was a much expected BFN.
The beta for this FET was scheduled for today, but I planned on going in tomorrow morning because it is generally frowned upon to miss work in this first week back at school. Knowing that I needed to POAS, I decided to test this morning. I just knew yesterday as I was thinking (OK, stressing) about it that it would be a BFN and that testing right before going to work probably wasn't a good idea.
But I did it anyway...
Not only were there two lines, but the second line was a big, fat dark line that showed up almost immediately. I honestly could not believe what I was seeing.
I jumped in the shower while C was still sleeping in the other room and I was literally crying the whole time. I was in such a tizzy this morning that I forgot to put on moisturizer or makeup, and an itchy patch of skin on my temple is reminding me of this fact. I left in a hurry and I haven't stopped smiling since.
I am going in for beta tomorrow and I am hoping for a good beta number since the line was so dark and appeared so quickly. I really want to surprise C with the news, but I want the beta call first. Luckily, he will be paintballing with friends all day tomorrow, so I can wait for the call and plan something all day without having him around.
Please let this be it! Everything is just too perfect for this to fail...
Charmed
As I have mentioned on many occasions, I am an active poster on the Infertility and Infertility Veterans boards on the Bump. I honestly don't know how I would have managed this whole journey without the experience, expertise and support of the ladies on these boards. In the past, there have been several exchanges in which active posters exchange addresses, then send Valentine cards, lucky socks, Halloween candies and the like to all the women in the pool.
A few weeks ago, a fellow IFVet suggested an exchange to create a Pandora-style charm bracelet. Though Pandora/Camilia/Troll charms can cost $20 - $50, there are several sites on the web with charms under $5. Each participant purchases her own bracelet, then chooses a charm of significance to the board and orders a bunch of them. Then she creates a card describing the meaning or significance of the charm and ships it off to each of the other ladies in the exchange. In the end, each participant has a fully-loaded charm bracelet filled with the wishes and support of the board.
For my charm, I went through hundreds of designs and finally settled on a silvertone Celtic knot bead. I'm not usually overly sentimental, but this seemed to click for me. Despite the fact that we are all separated by geography, culture and time, we share this bond of supporting each other. My explanation that I sent and a picture of the bead itself are included below:
I really enjoyed choosing the charm, but I am really looking forward to creating a bracelet loaded with so much sentiment and support. When dealing with IF, you really need several different kinds of support. Most of us are lucky enough to have the support of our partners and families, but the support of someone who really understands is rare. Even though our connection is purely web-based, the boards have provided that support time and time again and I really look forward to wearing a symbol of that connection on my wrist.
At this point, I have received several charms and I am waiting on a few more. As soon as the bracelet is complete, I will post a picture here.
A few weeks ago, a fellow IFVet suggested an exchange to create a Pandora-style charm bracelet. Though Pandora/Camilia/Troll charms can cost $20 - $50, there are several sites on the web with charms under $5. Each participant purchases her own bracelet, then chooses a charm of significance to the board and orders a bunch of them. Then she creates a card describing the meaning or significance of the charm and ships it off to each of the other ladies in the exchange. In the end, each participant has a fully-loaded charm bracelet filled with the wishes and support of the board.
For my charm, I went through hundreds of designs and finally settled on a silvertone Celtic knot bead. I'm not usually overly sentimental, but this seemed to click for me. Despite the fact that we are all separated by geography, culture and time, we share this bond of supporting each other. My explanation that I sent and a picture of the bead itself are included below:
I really enjoyed choosing the charm, but I am really looking forward to creating a bracelet loaded with so much sentiment and support. When dealing with IF, you really need several different kinds of support. Most of us are lucky enough to have the support of our partners and families, but the support of someone who really understands is rare. Even though our connection is purely web-based, the boards have provided that support time and time again and I really look forward to wearing a symbol of that connection on my wrist.
At this point, I have received several charms and I am waiting on a few more. As soon as the bracelet is complete, I will post a picture here.
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