Another 2ww

As of Sunday morning, we are officially in the 2ww again.  This one might be particularly rough for a few reasons. 

Firstly, there are so many more hopes and expectations associated with a picture perfect cycle - those two follicles, the lining measurements, a strong sample count.  No matter how much your infertile voice tells your brain not to get its hopes up, those churning "mommy" chemicals in the rest of the brain can't let it go. 

Secondly, my pregnant co-teacher is having one of the most exciting and joyous days of her life tomorrow - right smack in the middle of my 2ww.  Despite her PCOS, she was able to conceive her first child after just rounds of Clomid, and now the second after just another round.  I am happy for her, but it is also so hard to be excited for her when she is lapping me with Baby #2.  Tomorrow, she finds out whether her baby is a boy or a girl and she has taken the day off for the ultrasound. 

As her friend, I am excited to find out and I am happy for her, but my mind is racing.  Will I look excited enough when she tells me?  Will I be able to hide my obvious mixed feelings?  Will people look at me when we discuss it with those piteous looks?  Only time will tell.

As infertiles, we repeat this mantra to ourselves over and over - someone else's fertility does not affect my infertility.  But your brain and your heart just can't see eye-to-eye on this one. 

I hope this cycle makes it all worthwhile...