BFN

After the really disappointing adoption webinar, we've been dealt a few more blows this weekend...

After our IUI two weeks ago, we were told to come back yesterday for a beta draw.  Yesterday I had to attend a bridal shower in the afternoon, so I figured that I should probably test on Friday morning so that I am prepared for the phone call on Saturday.  I really didn't want a surprise, especially if I was going to be a shower. 

I tested on Friday morning - BFN, stark white.  I was pretty crushed, but not at all surprised.  After a year of testing and treatment, all with no answers but BFNs, I don't think I will ever go into another cycle optimistic again. 

Though it may seem trivial in comparison, I also had tickets for Game 5 of the NLDS on Friday night - the elimination game between the Phillies and the Cardinals to determine who moves forward to the NLCS and eventually, the World Series.  C and I are rabid Phillies fans and it is tremendously important to us.  Even though the Phillies had the highest record in all of Major League Baseball and the most intimidating starting pitching lineup in all of baseball, there was a strange mood in the stadium that night - one of impending doom. 

I kept saying to myself, I don't know if I can take this twice in one day.  For weeks, I have been saying that I would rather not even use my Game 5 tickets if it meant a win for the Phils to move on to NLCS.  I don't like high stakes games and to say that I internalize the stress of the game is an understatement.  Well, of course, the mood of the crowd was right and the Phils lost, 1-0, an infuriating end to a stellar season. 

The stress of both major disappointments was really tough.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but we were counting on some kind of October joy.  Hell, we even got a fortune cookie back in July that said, "Remember the date three months from this day.  Joy is waiting for you."  We thought that we would either be pregnant in October, and please remember the absolute perfection of an October conception from my previous post, or we would be dancing in the streets with our city celebrating another win.  The paper slip from the cookie is taped to the calendar right on top of October 27.  We really thought it was a sign.

I woke up yesterday with a screaming headache.  Some force would not allow me to get out of bed to go for that damn beta draw.  I don't know why, but I just couldn't do it.  Since my research coordinator is away for the weekend, I figured it would do no harm if I skipped it - there was no appointment anyway, just a walk-in blood draw - and went this morning instead.  I called, left her a message and slept in. 

I went to the shower yesterday and it was quite painful.  I even had people ask me if I was pregnant, flat out, then others talk about how wonderful it would be if I adopted a little boy like Sandra Bullock's Louis.  Not only did I feel uncomfortable and blindsided, and I let it show, but it didn't seem to stop the conversation.  It's a good thing I skipped the beta draw yesterday because if the call had come from the lab during that party, I might have had to run away.

Instead, I went in this morning.  I had my blood drawn and C came with me.  On the way home, we decided to run to the big Super Walmart that is about thirty minutes away.  As soon as we merged onto the Blue Route, we hit gridlocked, bumper to bumper traffic.  We spent over an hour just on that stretch of road, but it didn't matter because we both were having a great morning.  We stopped for coffee and doughnuts and just ate in the car, laughed and talked. 

We got to Walmart and were again in great spirits.  We laughed hysterically as we bought Yoda and Princess Leia costumes for our dogs and an ice cube tray that makes ice shot glasses. 

Then my phone rang.

I answered it and the on-call RE told me what I already knew, that it was negative.  Why would this upset me?  I already knew that it was negative.  C and I were having a fantastic morning.  I don't know why, but it still crushed me.

Despite the better-than-average mood of this morning, we rode home in silence.  I don't know exactly was C was thinking, but I had a lump in my throat and was just feeling sick-to-death of 2011.  This whole year has been tough - just filled with one disappointment after another.  I ran into problems at work earlier in the year, I have had all sorts of responsibilities foisted onto me this school year, I had a downright depressing summer of being broke and doing nothing, an unsatisfying raise (if you would even call it a raise), a disappointing end to the baseball season, and, of course, months and months more of fruitless fertility treatment.  I really feel like I am ready for this year to be over.