Vivid Dreams

One of the hardest parts of this process for me has been the vivid dreams.  I have been told before that everyone dreams every night, but that most people do not remember the dreams once they wake.  I am definitely one of these people.  I seldom recall having dreams during my sleep, that is, if I am dreaming at all. 

Since experiencing IF, however, vivid dreams have been more and more frequent.  I haven't been sleeping as well during this whole experience and I find that I am often waking up throughout the night for short periods of time, then falling back asleep.  Once I wake, I can remember vivid and detailed dreams about caring for our baby.  They are often so convincing that I have to sort out reality from dream when I wake up. 

When this happens, it usually has a strange effect on the rest of my day.  All day today, I was thinking about the twins that we had in my dream last night.  It was so real...

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On Sunday, I went in for the follow-up ultrasound one week after the IUI.  I'm really not sure why the study requires this ultrasound because it really doesn't provide much information other than the number of antral follicles and the thickness of my lining.  Like usual, everything looked perfect. 

I almost wish that they wouldn't check in so often and tell me how perfect everything looks.  This cycle was especially perfect.  Literally every part of the cycle was textbook perfect - hormone levels, lining, two follicles...  everything.  All the checking in is forcing me to build up hopes that likely will be dashed in just a few days.

Waking up from that dream this morning, I felt even more filled with dread.  Despite everything being perfect, I just don't understand how the same process that has failed six times before could work.  Simply put, I am beginning to wonder if I can even imagine myself pregnant.  It seems like most women who have been IF for 2+ years have had a diagnosis or some kind of problem, have conceived and lost, or conceived successfully.  It is just so weird to be healthy and unexplained, to have perfect testing and to have nothing but BFNs to show for it...

I'm at a really weird place right now where my mind has become convinced that I may never be pregnant.  I don't know if it is worth even looking into IVF and spending all that money if my brain is completely unconvinced. 

Maybe I will be in a different mood tomorrow, but as the date for testing and beta draw nears, I am feeling less and less optimistic.