Beta In

And it's another BFN. 

Last night, we had people over for dinner and went out for a bit, so I never got around to buying an HPT.  Usually I like to test first at home to lessen the blow when I get the call from the RE. 

All night last night, I woke up almost every half hour.  I was so stressed about the beta draw scheduled for this morning.  I was a walk-in, so I had to get there before the phlobotomists left for the day.  I stressed that I would not wake up in time.  I stressed that I hadn't tested with and HPT.  I stressed that there was no way for me to get an HPT before morning.  I stressed that I would get the call while we were out somewhere doing something and that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I ended up staying in bed until the last possible moment.  I even considered skipping it all together and going tomorrow, but that would have been a logistical nightmare.  Finally, I went in this morning around 9:30. 

When I got home, it was almost as if we both already knew. C felt tired and groggy, so we both decided to just relax in bed and watch some TV.  The call finally came in around 1:30.  Ever since the IUI, I had been repeating the same thing to myself - it really should be positive, it could be positive, but it will be negative.  It's going to be negative, so just don't get yourself too worked up.

We both decided not to attend the charity event this afternoon that we were considering - C didn't feel like it and I was afraid, as usual, that the call would come in during the event.  So we just stayed home.

After the inevitable finally happened, we just hung out around the house for a little longer just not knowing what to say.  We both expected it, but it just never gets any easier.  Finally, knowing that C had band practice this evening, we decided to go out for an early dinner, just some burgers and chicken.

Luckily, a friend called during dinner offering that we could pick up some stuff that he had offered us weeks ago because he is moving long distance and no longer has room for it.  It was a nice diversion from our shared sullen attitude.  C got to be excited for a moment about his new fish equipment and I got to visit with an old friend, if only briefly. 

When we got home, C had to leave almost immediately for practice, so I am just here hanging out by myself.  This just sucks and I am just so tired...

We have two more cycles in the study, and I really think I will just be going through the motions.  I am living proof that it just doesn't matter how perfect everything about a cycle seems - IUI just isn't going to be our path to a BFP.