The waiting game continues...

Right now, it is mid-morning on CD33.  This is highly unusual for me given that the one thing I have never had to worry about was regularity in cycles.  This is running a little long...

Because I am normally so regular, I tested on Friday morning when I was just 2-3 days late according to the timeframe of a typical medicated cycle.  BFN.  Stark white.  I figured I would begin a new cycle that day or the next and I would give the study coordinator a call to tell her that the new cycle has begun and to possibly arrange my first baseline ultrasound.

But a new cycle has not started yet.  I keep reminding myself that this is not a typical medicated cycle, as I never triggered so that I could be "clean" for the study.  The trigger generally causes me to ovulate around CD15-16, and in a normal unmedicated cycle, the best we could figure was around CD18-19.  When taking Femara, however, the luteal phase seemed to be cut short by almost 2-3 days, which, again, was pretty shocking considering the normal regularity of my cycle.

What does this all mean?  Since I did take a low-dose of Femara this cycle, would the luteal phase be shortened and I really am late, despite the BFN?  Is the cycle running long because I never triggered and this really is nothing unusual and I should just believe the BFN?

In my previous post, I discussed a bit about this headgame of the 2ww - how you are bracing yourself for the inevitable disappointment while simultaneously pulsing with optimism and reading into every sign.  This extended cycle is making the head games even worse.  I can't help but dwell on the fact that I have had life-long clockwork cycles, and yet I am suddenly late.  Then again, it is so unlikely to have success with a half-assed cycle with no trigger and no IUI.  And, hello, how can I forget about the BFN??

Perhaps the reason why this particular waiting game is so difficult is because of the finality of it.  This truly is our last cycle on our terms.  This is the last cycle that is with Dr. K at PMRFC.  This is the last cycle that is covered by insurance.  This is the last cycle that was on our terms with just a few monitoring appointments per month.  Even though it is so unlikely that this cycle would be our BFP, it might be the hardest to accept.

If/when the new cycle begins, I will most likely call the study coordinator and begin making arrangements for the month of September.  We won't know which meds have been selected until we are there and we are facing several more monitoring appointments this month than in the past, many of which will have to be downtown.  I will have to talk to my boss about whether or not this is feasible, which will also be more difficult given the culture at work lately.  Everyone is in survival mode and the boss's attitude has really sucked, to be honest.  Three people received disciplinary action last week for absolutely ridiculous reasons.  And in the midst of this time, I have to walk into the office and request eight latenesses per month.

I am really not looking forward to this process, nor am I looking forward to an OOP cycle that would be much more convenient, but much more expensive.  Maybe that's why I am obsessing over the near-impossible this cycle.  The reality of the future is so daunting and difficult that it is really hard to let go of the present.  As much as my heart is holding onto hope for this cycle, don't be surprised if the next post is titled, "BFN..."