To pee, or not to pee...

For women who are TTC, there are POASers and non-POASers.  I am far in the non-POASer category, and, for the record, POAS stands for peeing on a stick, or taking home pregnancy tests (HPTs).

For completely irrational reasons that are common in an infertile's mind, I feel like it is not truly a BFN until I get my period, and I always hope beyond hope until that actually happens.  Many of us, however, are POAS-aholics and begin testing almost right away. 

When you trigger with an injection like Ovidrel, an HPT will test positive soon after the injection.  Many women will "test out" the trigger by testing often and watching the positive result from the trigger fade, then begin testing for another positive to see if the cycle was effective.  Many women will also begin testing as soon as possible.

I rarely test.  Out of the thirty-some cycles that we have been TTC, I have tested for fewer than ten of them.  HPTs are expensive and I just don't see the point for me.  In the 2+ years that we have been TTC, I have never had a positive, not even a faint one that resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  Besides the cost of the HPTs, I also have trouble facing the seemingly inevitable. 

Even though I know that the result will most likely be a BFN, those few days at the end of the cycle when it really could happen, or you might be late are really exhilarating.  Your mind races with thoughts like of course it is negative - so far you're 0 for 31, but then there is that other thought, why not now?  There is always a possibility... and you start thinking about how deliriously happy you would be.  And how you would tell your husband.  And how you would tell your family.  And how everyone at work would be so happy that it was finally your turn. 

It is really the only time during the month that the negativity doesn't outweigh the positivity for whatever reason.  And I love it.  I don't know if it is my brain's natural way to keep me from completely losing hope, but it feels so good.  And when the BFN comes, it hurts and it is devastating for a while, but I keep plugging along because in some strange way, I was always prepared.

This is pretty much where I am now.  Right now, CD30 is coming to a close, and on the last three cycles of Femara, my period always started early, around CD26 or CD27.  I'm getting that natural high of thinking that this might be real.  But then I remember that we had to cancel our IUI this cycle and that I never even triggered.  My cycle could be running longer because I never sped it up with triggering.  And I never even had an IUI, so what am I thinking?  But then that other part of the brain chimes in and insists that it is possible.  Lately, there have been several unexpected BFPs on the boards, either on breaks or canceled cycles. 

Despite my inner-conflict, my period will have to be days late for me to even consider testing.  As long as there is no negative test, I can still hang on to hope, and that's really all I've got right now.