The Line in the Sand

So far, the biggest conflict between my husband (C) and I has been where to draw the "line in the sand."  We are both completely committed to being parents.  We both feel that being childless is absolutely not an option.  What varies between us, however, is at what point the pursuit of a biological child ends and the pursuit of parenthood by any means necessary becomes the path.  Unfortunately, as more family members have become a part of our infertility journey, the more alone I am on my line.

My husband is willing to go to any lengths necessary to have a biological child.  He would love to have a child now, as a matter of fact, we expected to have a one-and-a-half-year-old by now, but he is also fine with it taking many months or years.  He wants to continue with our covered IUIs, but he also wants to try IVF and FETs as much as possible.  He is open to adoption, but considers it a last resort and has several conditions on it.

I, on the other hand, am more open to adoption and have some real hesitations about IVF.  I am happy to continue with the IUIs that are covered under insurance, but at a certain point, it is becoming obvious that IUIs are not going to work.  So far, we have never been pregnant.  We are very fortunate to have never miscarried, but I don't know how I would handle it.  Frankly, the thought terrifies me.  I am also very reluctant to go through all of that treatment, bedrest, and all of that money if it doesn't work.  The idea of paying monthly bills or flushing out family savings accounts for unsucessful IVF treatments gives me a lump in my throat and nearly makes me sick. 

Now that several members of my family are aware of our infertility, they have become somewhat involved in the decision making process.  While they are very supportive, it has surprised me how much they have come down on the side of further treatment.  They would certainly support us and help us with an adoption, but they also believe that we should try IVF, and that we (or more likely my husband) will regret it if we do not try. 

We are in complete agreement on a few fronts, however.  We both agree that donor sperm (DS) and donor eggs (DE) are out of the question.  Many couples feel a strong desire to go through the process of pregnancy, but we do not feel strongly enough to use DE or DS.  While experiencing pregnancy would be wonderful, we both agreed that if the child is not biologically ours, we might as well adopt.

Overall, as difficult as the journey has been for the both of us, no one, not even C, can understand the apprehensions I have about going forward with IVF.  No one else has to experience it in the same way that I do, and no one has to deal with potential loss or guilt like I do.  As much as I value the opinions of my husband and my family, their experience with a failed IVF will not be anything like mine.  Even though I am alone here next to my line in the sand, it will be me who feels it most when the decision is finally made.