This is what I mean by "roller coaster..."

So it looks like our journey with the research study will be just as much of a roller coaster ride as the rest of the infertility journey.

I left our meeting with Dr. C feeling somewhat better about all of my projected anxieties.  He assured us that he would do everything in his power to make the study work for us given our location and work schedules.  He said that he would try to set up our appointments at the Radnor location as early or as late as possible.

This morning, I got a follow-up call from the organizer of the study, a woman named Jean.  She told me that, in fact, no one has ever participated in the study through the Radnor office and that Dr. C is still working on this, but that it is not a guarantee.  Also new to me, she said that no matter what Dr. C is able to work out, the baseline ultrasound and two of the other eight monitoring appointments must be at the downtown office.  The more she said, the more I could feel all of the stress coming back. 

There is another issue that somewhat complicates matters, as much as I don't think that it should.  Yesterday, I went into work because my new co-teacher asked me if I wouldn't mind giving her a hand with set-up and some of her questions about sixth grade.  Within a few minutes of our chit-chat, she told me that she is ten weeks pregnant and due in March.  I impressed myself with my response.  There was no gutpunch feeling, no shocked stare or attempt to hold back tears; I simply congratulated her and moved on with the conversation.  She got pregnant with her first child around the same time we started TTC and now she is expecting her second.  She also told me that she is experiencing just about every pregnancy symptom there is and she feels like crap most days. 

In my overview of middle school routines and scheduling, she was genuinely surprised and dismayed to hear that the schedule is now the same everyday and that there will no longer be days when we have preps first thing in the morning.  I had heard before that she often left early for "childcare needs," but she was also planning on taking full advantage of the middle school schedule by coming in late when her young child or pregnancy required it. 

Now there are two teachers in the room who need some flexibility in the schedule, and given the fact that she is already expecting and the reaction I got previously from the Head of School, I can't imagine that I will be the priority, especially given that I am the one who is a "seasoned veteran."  Right now, I am preparing to begin a year in which I will have to train and support a new(-ish) teacher, just to have her leave in March.  She is planning to return after 6-10 weeks, but several of our co-workers are trying to convince her to stay home for the rest of the year and the summer to be with her kids. 

I have been told many times by many people that this treatment should be a priority and that I can't let these things stand in my way.  It is just so much more complicated than that.  I can't help but feel dedicated to my job and I really am passionate about teaching.  I also have been given a fair amount of pressure and responsibility this year given that out of the six teachers in sixth grade this year, there are only two who have done this before, and I am certainly the more competent of the two.  It is unfair that it works out like this, but I just can't see either of my bosses being very understanding when I tell them that I will be late eight days per month and that at least half of those days, I will be significantly late.

Basically, I see three options right now, none of which are particularly appealing to me right now:

1.  Continue on with the study just hoping that we will be assigned to the Menopur group and that it will be logistically feasible.

2.  Drop out of the study and make separate arrangements with our RE to try a few cycles with injectibles OOP.

3.  Nothing.  Take a break from treatment and just hope that hard work, scrimping and saving will bring us a little closer to IVF, maybe next summer.

In the car today, my husband offered full support for whatever decision I make, and I really appreciate that.  I know many women would want to make the decision together, but he knows me and trusts me, and he also realizes that the nitty-gritty of this decision really comes down to work dynamics and personal issues that he really does not understand or even have to participate in.  All I know for sure is that he is not ready to quit yet and that we're not even looking down the adoption road yet.

I feel really down today that all of this is happening at once and my personality does not jive well with feelings of powerlessness.  I hate that life is throwing all of these obstacles in the way of our attempts to overcome the biggest obstacle of our lives.  I hate the fact that at least one of these obstacles is based on my talent and dedication in my job and that I am, in effect, being punished for this.  If I was less competent at my job and more willing to just stand up and neglect my responsibilities to do whatever treatment I want, I would probably be closer to a BFP right now, and that sucks.  If I had chosen a different profession that was more financially rewarding, I would also probably be in a different position right now.  Most of all, I really hate that infertility is making me second-guess myself and make choices that other people simply do not have to make.