A New Outlook...

Two weeks ago, my summer vacation officially ended and I had to return to school for a few days of professional development and teacher in-service.  Those first few days were busy and hectic.  We had so many meetings scheduled that we had very little time to get organized and prepare our classrooms.  Even more, my team has been completely restructured and four of the six teachers have never taught middle school before.

The following week, the kids returned to class.  Those first two weeks were a little anxious.  At a given time, I was stressing about preparing my new co-teachers, wondering how the kids would be, worrying about a new schedule that included another section of science, and fixating on how I could possibly continue treatment under this new arrangement.

Thankfully, and as I always knew deep down that they would, each of these fears has shrunk beyond recognition in the past few weeks.  As it turns out, my new partner and I are a great match and teaching with her has been a pleasure.  I am finding that I am actually less stressed and squeezed for time teaching five classes with her this year than teaching four by myself in the past.  My new co-teachers have a wonderful attitude and are picking up on our routines really swiftly, and they are quickly becoming friends.  Most importantly, the schedule has been changed after an oversight from my supervisor and I now have more flexibility in the mornings for fertility appointments. 

On top of these little victories at work, life just feels more balanced at home lately, too.  C has finally spoken to his doctor about his anxiety and started taking anti-anxiety medication.  He had been getting so much better in the past few years, but lately it has really been dragging him down.  He hasn't been feeling himself and even had an anxiety attack recently that was quite a wake-up call for both of us.  Since getting acclimated with the new prescription, he feels much happier, and I feel so much happier spending time with him. 

I have always known that I was born to work, specifically to teach, and that my brain and body just don't function properly without a full day of work.  Last summer, I made a conscious effort to do as many things as possible and accepted every invitation that I received.  I visited friends, traveled and really lived it up.  I knew that I had to do this for my own mental health, but I also discreetly hoped that this would be my last childless summer.  Obviously, that was not the case. 

This summer, I had nothing lined up other than more treatment.  Knowing this, I signed up to teach summer school.  Finances were tight this summer, however, and I wouldn't receive money for the summer school hours until September.  We had no money to do all the things we had done last summer, and C had no time off, so I spent most of the summer just hanging out at home.  This totally derailed me.  Even though I didn't feel depressed, I was doing absolutely nothing other than watching countless reruns of Law and Order and Millionaire Matchmaker.  When I was rewatching episodes of Matchmaker and Jersey Shore that I had already seen, I knew that I officially was not myself.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed just relaxing and recuperating this summer and making a little money for teaching and tutoring, but I felt like I was wasting time.  All of that free time just allowed me to think about treatment, about problems and about what I would be doing if there were a baby in the house.  Obviously, this wasn't very healthy.

Now that I am back at work, I actually feel refreshed to be using my brain again and doing a day's work.  When I come home each day, I am appropriately tired and ready to just relax, have dinner and enjoy my evenings with C.  He is happier, I am happier, and I have a healthy diversion from all that wallowing. 

I am hopeful for these new cycles with the research study, but I am also trying to find joy in opportunities and find fulfillment in our life without children.  Right now, C is in a motorcycle course and we just got last minute tickets to a Phillies game for Sunday.  Last night, I had to stay at work until 9pm and I enjoyed dinner with my colleagues instead of rushing home.  Now that I finally got paid for teaching summer school, I am even thinking about some weekend adventures in the next few weeks.  Living child-free permanently is not an option we are willing to consider, but for the time being, I am truly happy.  I never was unhappy this summer, but I feel better - more energized, more fulfilled.  It's amazing what a little hard work will do...