Did I Catch a Niner in There?

Did I catch a niner in there?

Yup.  This is IUI #9, the absolute dead last try at the turkey baster method.

It was actually really weird to realize that it was all starting again today.  Normally, you could set a calendar by my cycles and for the past six months or so, I have started a new cycle on a Friday, but typically see the first signs on Thursday night.  Not so this time.  CD1 is still a Friday, but it was a rather sudden revelation this morning. 

Earlier in January, there was quite a situation when they tried to get blood on CD3 and I ended up having to come back on CD4.  At that point, my estradiol had already elevated just a few points past the cut-off for the cycle, so we had to cancel.  This time, the study coordinator wants me to come in on CD2 for the blooddraw and baseline.  This morning, I made the call for the appointment, then promptly forgot about the whole thing.  My break cycles are always weirdly forgetful like that. 

I had to remind myself several times today not to make plans for tomorrow morning because I will most likely be in a crowded waiting room until 11am.  I only took a month off and it was already weird to be cycling again. 

Because this IUI will almost certainly fail, I have been making some calls for IVF options and the picture does not look good.  We seem to never be able to get ahead in our finances no matter how hard we are working and no matter how much we bring home.  It seems to always be either feast or famine in this house, and there has been a lot of famine lately for one reason or another. 

I have contacted several local clinics and each was more expensive than the last.  One very enthusiastic rep from Main Line Fertility made it sound so easy, and yet what she was saying was completely crushing.  First, she told me that I was too fat for all of their study and assisted programs and that C and I make significantly too much money to apply for any kind of discounted rate.  It sure as hell doesn't feel like we make too much money for anything.  Then she kept saying about how I could just take a year off to lose weight, then call back.  Or I could talk to the doctors because they can usually "make it happen."  None of this was helpful, and it was actually quite hurtful.  I don't care how young I am...  Why would you ever tell an infertile woman to "wait a year?"

Clinics in King of Prussia and Bethlehem were even more expensive.  Right now it seems like Cooper Institute in NJ is the only program that is even in the ballpark, and that is a stretch.

I should say that, at the very least, my family understands that waiting is a serious problem.  Maybe it sounds selfish, but my very close cousin and her husband are throwing around the idea of TTC and I think many in my family have realized how much it would hurt me if they were successful before us.  I would even take being PG at the same time, or a few months later, but to watch them go through the whole process while we are hopeless would be crushing.  I think they also realize that my age is an asset, not a reason to keep waiting around.  Even though my family is not in much better shape than we are, my mom has insisted upon giving us some money for IVF. 

She has already written a check for what she feels she can afford and she gave it to us at Christmas with a note that just said, "To use whenever."  Obviously, I had my reservations about accepting something so generous, especially when I think that the first round might not work.  The money would just barely cover one round of treatment at MLF or SIRM, but at Cooper, we might really be able to do more. 

At Cooper, they offer a minimal stimulation IVF that is significantly cheaper and could buy us more chances.  Even their traditional IVF is thousands less than at the other clinics.  This may be our only option.  I would be devastated if I spent all that money on one round and it failed.  We would be out of chances and out of money.  If we got two cycles, or even a fresh cycle and a FET, I would at least feel like we gave it an honest chance. 

This is so hard, just thinking about these massive gambles I am making with my life, C's life and other people's money.  As stagnant and crappy as it was to be on a break, at least it was peaceful...