Getting Out of This Funk...

This forced break has been a bit tough for me.  It really sucks to be stuck here, not progressing.

I think I really need something to do with my time, too.  Everyday, I get to leave work as early as 3:30, even though I rarely get out that early.  No matter what, I seem to get home by 4:00 or 5:00, which leaves me hours to kill before C gets home.  The house is completely decorated for Christmas already, laundry is done, and the house isn't spotless, but it's clean enough.  I have absolutely no inspiration to do anything after school most days, and we are completely broke right now, so I can't even run errands some days.

All day today, I looked forward to the fact that it was Friday and that the weekend was starting, but when I got home, I ended up watching TV until almost 7:30 when C got home, then having mediocre leftovers for dinner.  We're not going anywhere or doing anything tonight and C is working tomorrow, so the weekend is practically a wash. 

It is so unlike me to be so gloomy; it's just not my personality.  I know that it is irresponsible and short-sighted to think that a baby would completely cure this problem, but I really kinda think it would.  Right now, we are in the position where a couple should be having a baby - we both are secure in our jobs and have enough experience our jobs that we are quite comfortable and have an established routine.  Our marriage is healthy and happy and our home is ready and waiting.  I honestly believe that we just need that injection of joy, that spark of purpose in our lives right now.  That is what my life needs right now - purpose.

Since childhood, I have always been working towards something and scaling the ladder towards my dreams for adulthood.  I feel, however, like it has been far too long since I have been able to scale another rung on the ladder.  We're stuck in a life rut.

I sometimes even feel alone among the IFers on the boards.  I really like the women on the board and value their support, but I really feel like they have been able to do so much more with their lives during infertility than I have.  I read constantly about vacations and home remodels, lavish gifts and shopping trips.  Obviously, vacations and gadgets don't fill the void left by infertility, but it would be nice to be enjoying our time together as a couple and building some life experience while we wait for our baby.  Instead, it seems like we are just getting more and more broke as a result of our jobs, the economy and infertility treatment.

I have been thinking about taking a second job to make more money for savings and to have something to do after work to keep my mind off my empty house.  But then I remember how miserable I was for all of those years when I was either working or attending school all day, then working retail or tutoring well into the night.  My life was also relatively unhealthy then as I was getting last-minute take out for dinner and neglecting my house and relationships.  What I really want right now is for my after school job to be mom...