Tomorrow is the last day of 2011 and I have to say, it has been one of my worst years on record. This year has been boring, stagnant and all-around crappy.
Obviously, I am very grateful for the many things that I do have, and I am just coming off of a wonderful Christmas with my family. But the overall "life trajectory" of 2011 was pretty lame.
This year was difficult financially pretty much every month. Even though I made more money on paper than ever before, we had a hard time making the bills time after time. Work has been somewhat slow at C's job and I am sure that didn't help. I also had several tutoring gigs that used to really help that have since dried up.
Over the summer, I taught summer school which was actually quite miserable. I had the kids for long chunks of time teaching core subjects. This experience made me realize how important it is to me to teach science part of the day during the regular school year. C and I also had grand plans for the roughly $2000 that I was supposed to bring home from the job and none of it panned out. When I left summer school in the afternoons, and for the rest of the summer when the session completed, I basically hung out at home. The summer basically consisted of naps, cleaning and watching TV because we couldn't afford to do anything else.
This school year has started off as the absolute best academically and professionally, but there have been some social and interpersonal pitfalls that have really overshadowed the successes. All of these situations so far have been frustratingly out of my control. And the end of last school year was definitely one for the record books under the category "suck." There was cattiness among the staff and I was hauled into the office twice for stupid crap that is only now disappearing from my evaluation.
And, as a result of my Irish Catholic background, I feel like a guilty shithead for complaining. In reality, it's a good thing because it causes me to reflect everyday on how fortunate I am, but it sure makes wallowing in your own misery no fun at all.
No matter what happens -- baby or not, pay raise or not, vacation or not -- my life is pretty awesome. I am married to my soulmate of almost 12 years and we are ridiculously happy 98% of the time. Even our fights are pretty happy. I have the two best dogs and best cats ever and they bring me joy every day. My family is the best in the world - absolutely hands down. We live in an adorable little old house in the best town on Earth outside the world's greatest city. Despite our perceived money problems, we always make it work and we get to live an amazing life. Maybe it's not as exciting as most of the people around me, but I am grateful for every minute.
I also can't really complain about my job, though, believe me, I am surrounded by people who do little else. I am in a somewhat unique position at my school of having worked in several locations before ending up there. Let me tell you, it is the best gig so far. Many of my coworkers don't realize what other jobs are like out there. Every day, I wake up and go to a job that I love. That's why I stay. The vast majority of my coworkers are awesome and I can honestly say that I am friendly with almost every one of them. I am well-liked by both faculty and students and I feel like this year has been a breakout year for me professionally. Over the past three years, I have lovingly crafted the science curriculum and I get to teach it every day, and it has only grown and gotten better over the years. And, most importantly, the kids are awesome. Even when they are being ornery, they are stinkin' cute little mini-teens.
I am already working on making 2012 a better year for us in every way possible. I have worked hard to make IVF possible in 2012 if we need it. I have also changed my routine and my life in little ways to make it healthier. I have joined a local gym, restarted my Zumba classes and am trying to start cooking at home more. I am also starting a five-year journal because I can just feel it in my heart that the next five years are going to be worth writing about.
If 2011 was the worst year of my life, then I am doing pretty well because it wasn't all that bad. I have been thinking a lot about a quote lately from an interview I heard with film director Kevin Smith, so I'll end this entry (and this year) with it:
"It's almost stupid how good this life is."
By hook or by crook, 2012 is going to be better. So here's to hoping the world doesn't end... :-)
How many chicks do you know that have been to a scrapbooking convention and a tattoo convention in the same weekend? How many historians do you know that teach middle school science? I am a middle school teacher, metalhead and infertile wife just stuck here in the middle.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Home Stretch (or Not...)
Today was the one-week-post-IUI ultrasound, the purpose of which I still do not fully understand.
After quite an adventure, I rolled into an empty office over 20 minutes late. I arrived in the neighborhood of the RE's office on time only to find that the street had been blocked off by police cars for an apparent power outage. The officer would not let me walk onto the street, much less drive. I parked nearby and began a 20 minute process of trying to call someone, anyone, involved with Penn Medicine.
On any day, it is difficult to get a hold of someone on the phones, but a power outage only intensified the frustration. First, I was able to speak to a receptionist at their call center and she had no idea about any power outage, but she was unable to contact the office for me. Finally, I got a hold of someone actually associated with the RE's office. At that point, they had no idea about the street being blocked and had experienced nothing more than a few flickers, not a full-blown power outage. At this point, I was already 20 minutes late, but they allowed me to come in for the ultrasound.
They did all their typical measurements and found a cyst in the right ovary. Crap. If this cycle doesn't work, which, let's be real, is almost a given, this cyst could elevate my hormone levels at my baseline for cycle #9 and force another break cycle, further delaying the next cycle.
Like I have said before, I am basically just going through the motions with this study so that we can move on knowing that we tried absolutely everything possible for IUI. I am not hopeful that this cycle or the next will work, but I would like to finish the study so we can move on and consider more options.
This is the home stretch of the cycle - the last week of IUI #8, then just one more for the study. I hope another forced break from this cyst will not delay the home stretch even more...
After quite an adventure, I rolled into an empty office over 20 minutes late. I arrived in the neighborhood of the RE's office on time only to find that the street had been blocked off by police cars for an apparent power outage. The officer would not let me walk onto the street, much less drive. I parked nearby and began a 20 minute process of trying to call someone, anyone, involved with Penn Medicine.
On any day, it is difficult to get a hold of someone on the phones, but a power outage only intensified the frustration. First, I was able to speak to a receptionist at their call center and she had no idea about any power outage, but she was unable to contact the office for me. Finally, I got a hold of someone actually associated with the RE's office. At that point, they had no idea about the street being blocked and had experienced nothing more than a few flickers, not a full-blown power outage. At this point, I was already 20 minutes late, but they allowed me to come in for the ultrasound.
They did all their typical measurements and found a cyst in the right ovary. Crap. If this cycle doesn't work, which, let's be real, is almost a given, this cyst could elevate my hormone levels at my baseline for cycle #9 and force another break cycle, further delaying the next cycle.
Like I have said before, I am basically just going through the motions with this study so that we can move on knowing that we tried absolutely everything possible for IUI. I am not hopeful that this cycle or the next will work, but I would like to finish the study so we can move on and consider more options.
This is the home stretch of the cycle - the last week of IUI #8, then just one more for the study. I hope another forced break from this cyst will not delay the home stretch even more...
Monday, December 19, 2011
Triggered!
This is probably the least involved I have ever been in a cycle, but it's kind of refreshing. I went in for a baseline last week very casually and pretty much never thought about cycling or the study all week other than the moment I acutally put the pills in my mouth. It's actually been rather nice to be progressing through a cycle without all of the stress and obsessive thinking that goes along with it.
This weekend has been so jam-packed with parties, weddings, and other events, that my CD10 ultrasound was just one thing on a list of many things that I had to do yesterday. Much to my surprise, I had two follicles, one in the right measuring 14 and one in the left that was barely over 10. I was also instructed to trigger last night on CD10, which is virtually unheard of for me. In the past, I have typically triggered on CD13-15.
Either way, I had to go to an afternoon wedding yesterday in Newark, DE. Luckily, my official trigger assistant would be at the wedding with me because I had no idea when the wedding was planned to wrap up. Even though I brought the meds with me, we were home well before I had to trigger at 9pm.
The IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning and I am off all this week for Winter Break, so I am looking forward to a worry-free IUI.
This weekend has been so jam-packed with parties, weddings, and other events, that my CD10 ultrasound was just one thing on a list of many things that I had to do yesterday. Much to my surprise, I had two follicles, one in the right measuring 14 and one in the left that was barely over 10. I was also instructed to trigger last night on CD10, which is virtually unheard of for me. In the past, I have typically triggered on CD13-15.
Either way, I had to go to an afternoon wedding yesterday in Newark, DE. Luckily, my official trigger assistant would be at the wedding with me because I had no idea when the wedding was planned to wrap up. Even though I brought the meds with me, we were home well before I had to trigger at 9pm.
The IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning and I am off all this week for Winter Break, so I am looking forward to a worry-free IUI.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Crazy Eights?
So it begins again with IUI #8...
I started a new cycle last Friday, so I went in on Sunday for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything came back normal, so I started popping mystery pills on Sunday night. I am scheduled to go in for another ultrasound on next Sunday morning which, I realized later, is the day of an afternoon wedding we have to attend in Newark, DE. I guess I am going to be running around like a lunatic that day!
At this point, I think I have been through enough picture-perfect cycles to know that it is no promise of a BFP. No matter what these follicles look like, I am not at all optimistic for the next two cycles in the study. I feel at this point I am just fulfilling my obligation to the study and using all possible methods of inexpensive treatment before having to take the leap into IVF.
It was somewhat of a relief to see that many clinics in the area were charging significantly less for cycles of IVF than the original ones that I had researched. The problem, however, is logistical. The less expensive clinics are in NJ and NY. I am totally willing to travel the distance, and I even have some friends who would put me up for a day or two of bedrest if necessary. It would even save money to get hotel rooms over paying the rates of some of the fertility clinics around here. The main problem will be scheduling.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but I am having an internal debate about when I would rather miss time - for the IVF treatments themselves or for maternity leave. To say that this is putting the cart before the horse is the understatement of the century. Believe me, I should have realized a long time ago that a planned pregnancy is never going to happen for us. But when the time of conception is scheduled down to the minute on an IVF calendar, it gets you wondering...
Would I rather do IVF treatments rather leisurely over the summer, never having to worry about work schedules or finding coverage? Or would I rather be due during the summer so that I can maximize my time at home with an infant, as well as my paychecks? As ridiculous as this sounds, money is a serious concern in all of this and anything I can do to prevent disability payments and medical leave is a priority.
More than likely, it seems the best plan would be to do IVF during July and August, possibly September. That would give me more flexibility in terms of going long distances to RE appointments, but it would also make our due date in April, May or June. That's assuming, of course, that IVF will be successful for us.
Further compounding the problem, our HR office sent out an email (finally...) about FSA accounts. I had thought that this would be a good strategy for us, not only to save on taxes, but also as a method of saving for IVF. What I did not realize, however, was that the paperwork was due back to HR less than 24 hours later. I missed the deadline without even knowing it.
So back to square one. Here we are: the third cycle out of four in the research study with no success and no answers. I will be doing these last two cycles of IUI in the research study, but then I will really need to start thinking about what happens next.
I started a new cycle last Friday, so I went in on Sunday for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything came back normal, so I started popping mystery pills on Sunday night. I am scheduled to go in for another ultrasound on next Sunday morning which, I realized later, is the day of an afternoon wedding we have to attend in Newark, DE. I guess I am going to be running around like a lunatic that day!
At this point, I think I have been through enough picture-perfect cycles to know that it is no promise of a BFP. No matter what these follicles look like, I am not at all optimistic for the next two cycles in the study. I feel at this point I am just fulfilling my obligation to the study and using all possible methods of inexpensive treatment before having to take the leap into IVF.
It was somewhat of a relief to see that many clinics in the area were charging significantly less for cycles of IVF than the original ones that I had researched. The problem, however, is logistical. The less expensive clinics are in NJ and NY. I am totally willing to travel the distance, and I even have some friends who would put me up for a day or two of bedrest if necessary. It would even save money to get hotel rooms over paying the rates of some of the fertility clinics around here. The main problem will be scheduling.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but I am having an internal debate about when I would rather miss time - for the IVF treatments themselves or for maternity leave. To say that this is putting the cart before the horse is the understatement of the century. Believe me, I should have realized a long time ago that a planned pregnancy is never going to happen for us. But when the time of conception is scheduled down to the minute on an IVF calendar, it gets you wondering...
Would I rather do IVF treatments rather leisurely over the summer, never having to worry about work schedules or finding coverage? Or would I rather be due during the summer so that I can maximize my time at home with an infant, as well as my paychecks? As ridiculous as this sounds, money is a serious concern in all of this and anything I can do to prevent disability payments and medical leave is a priority.
More than likely, it seems the best plan would be to do IVF during July and August, possibly September. That would give me more flexibility in terms of going long distances to RE appointments, but it would also make our due date in April, May or June. That's assuming, of course, that IVF will be successful for us.
Further compounding the problem, our HR office sent out an email (finally...) about FSA accounts. I had thought that this would be a good strategy for us, not only to save on taxes, but also as a method of saving for IVF. What I did not realize, however, was that the paperwork was due back to HR less than 24 hours later. I missed the deadline without even knowing it.
So back to square one. Here we are: the third cycle out of four in the research study with no success and no answers. I will be doing these last two cycles of IUI in the research study, but then I will really need to start thinking about what happens next.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Getting Out of This Funk...
This forced break has been a bit tough for me. It really sucks to be stuck here, not progressing.
I think I really need something to do with my time, too. Everyday, I get to leave work as early as 3:30, even though I rarely get out that early. No matter what, I seem to get home by 4:00 or 5:00, which leaves me hours to kill before C gets home. The house is completely decorated for Christmas already, laundry is done, and the house isn't spotless, but it's clean enough. I have absolutely no inspiration to do anything after school most days, and we are completely broke right now, so I can't even run errands some days.
All day today, I looked forward to the fact that it was Friday and that the weekend was starting, but when I got home, I ended up watching TV until almost 7:30 when C got home, then having mediocre leftovers for dinner. We're not going anywhere or doing anything tonight and C is working tomorrow, so the weekend is practically a wash.
It is so unlike me to be so gloomy; it's just not my personality. I know that it is irresponsible and short-sighted to think that a baby would completely cure this problem, but I really kinda think it would. Right now, we are in the position where a couple should be having a baby - we both are secure in our jobs and have enough experience our jobs that we are quite comfortable and have an established routine. Our marriage is healthy and happy and our home is ready and waiting. I honestly believe that we just need that injection of joy, that spark of purpose in our lives right now. That is what my life needs right now - purpose.
Since childhood, I have always been working towards something and scaling the ladder towards my dreams for adulthood. I feel, however, like it has been far too long since I have been able to scale another rung on the ladder. We're stuck in a life rut.
I sometimes even feel alone among the IFers on the boards. I really like the women on the board and value their support, but I really feel like they have been able to do so much more with their lives during infertility than I have. I read constantly about vacations and home remodels, lavish gifts and shopping trips. Obviously, vacations and gadgets don't fill the void left by infertility, but it would be nice to be enjoying our time together as a couple and building some life experience while we wait for our baby. Instead, it seems like we are just getting more and more broke as a result of our jobs, the economy and infertility treatment.
I have been thinking about taking a second job to make more money for savings and to have something to do after work to keep my mind off my empty house. But then I remember how miserable I was for all of those years when I was either working or attending school all day, then working retail or tutoring well into the night. My life was also relatively unhealthy then as I was getting last-minute take out for dinner and neglecting my house and relationships. What I really want right now is for my after school job to be mom...
I think I really need something to do with my time, too. Everyday, I get to leave work as early as 3:30, even though I rarely get out that early. No matter what, I seem to get home by 4:00 or 5:00, which leaves me hours to kill before C gets home. The house is completely decorated for Christmas already, laundry is done, and the house isn't spotless, but it's clean enough. I have absolutely no inspiration to do anything after school most days, and we are completely broke right now, so I can't even run errands some days.
All day today, I looked forward to the fact that it was Friday and that the weekend was starting, but when I got home, I ended up watching TV until almost 7:30 when C got home, then having mediocre leftovers for dinner. We're not going anywhere or doing anything tonight and C is working tomorrow, so the weekend is practically a wash.
It is so unlike me to be so gloomy; it's just not my personality. I know that it is irresponsible and short-sighted to think that a baby would completely cure this problem, but I really kinda think it would. Right now, we are in the position where a couple should be having a baby - we both are secure in our jobs and have enough experience our jobs that we are quite comfortable and have an established routine. Our marriage is healthy and happy and our home is ready and waiting. I honestly believe that we just need that injection of joy, that spark of purpose in our lives right now. That is what my life needs right now - purpose.
Since childhood, I have always been working towards something and scaling the ladder towards my dreams for adulthood. I feel, however, like it has been far too long since I have been able to scale another rung on the ladder. We're stuck in a life rut.
I sometimes even feel alone among the IFers on the boards. I really like the women on the board and value their support, but I really feel like they have been able to do so much more with their lives during infertility than I have. I read constantly about vacations and home remodels, lavish gifts and shopping trips. Obviously, vacations and gadgets don't fill the void left by infertility, but it would be nice to be enjoying our time together as a couple and building some life experience while we wait for our baby. Instead, it seems like we are just getting more and more broke as a result of our jobs, the economy and infertility treatment.
I have been thinking about taking a second job to make more money for savings and to have something to do after work to keep my mind off my empty house. But then I remember how miserable I was for all of those years when I was either working or attending school all day, then working retail or tutoring well into the night. My life was also relatively unhealthy then as I was getting last-minute take out for dinner and neglecting my house and relationships. What I really want right now is for my after school job to be mom...
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