Well, that's it for a while...

This morning I had to go in for a beta draw for my last cycle with the research study and my last IUI.  I had no hope whatsoever, but really no reason for being to hopeless other than the fact that I have never seen a BFP in three years.  I had not tested, but I already knew...  Even with five follicles, IUIs obviously are not the answer for us.

The research study requires an exit interview and paperwork at the completion of the study.  Today, I had to sit in the office and fill in a boatload of paperwork and have all sort of measurements and tests.  Almost as soon as I got home, C had to leave for a band meeting, so I agreed to go shopping with my cousin so that I wouldn't be home alone when the call came in.

Little did I realize, however, that we would be shopping for a baby shower at Babies R Us.  I can also tell from a lot of her comments that she and her husband are gearing up to TTC. 

Just to heap on more salt into the wound, this is my co-teacher's last week of work.  She begins her maternity leave on Friday and has a scheduled c-section on Tuesday.  The kids are so excited and it's all anyone can talk about.  The kids and fellow teachers have been showering her with gifts and it has actually been pretty tough.  She also has a very young, very green longterm substitute coming in, which means that I will be picking up more work to make up for her absence.

Another teacher on my team is also expecting and I'm sure I will be rehashing all the same crap in May when she is due.  This is a second child for both of them. 

I have said before that I wasn't hopeful after a beta draw, but I must have really meant it this time, because it doesn't seem to be affecting me so much.  I haven't cried, I don't feel too overwhelmed...  I guess I have just been building up to this for a long time. 

I honestly do not know what we will be doing in the future.  Right now, we really do not have any options.  We have no insurance coverage for IF and no money at all.  Maybe it will hit me later just how real and hopeless the situation is right now, but for the moment, I am doing OK. 

I just got back from shopping and lunch with my cousin, which was a nice distraction even if it included a trip to Babies R Us, and now I am home just watching some TV and catching up on emails and messages.  I plan to keep posting, but treatment won't be happening again for quite a while...