We are right in the midst of the holiday season and I think it is worthwhile to take from another blogger's idea and reflect on things for which I am thankful. Often, when infertility takes over your life, you dwell on the things that you do not have and the things that make you unhappy, so I will attempt to do the opposite today.
1. I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband. As much as he can sometimes drive me crazy, he is the perfect match for me and I can't imagine life with anyone else.
2. I am thankful for my pets. My cats and dogs bring so much joy into my life and it truly makes a difference everyday that someone is that excited to see me every time I walk through the door.
3. I truly have the best family in the world. Even though my mom and dad have been apart since I was an infant, they are perfect complements to each other and I can't imagine my life any other way. I also have two fantastic aunts on my mom's side that are like two more moms. My mom also had a brother who was a huge presence in my life (literally and figuratively - he was 6'8" and his personality was larger than life) and even though he died at 44, I am grateful everyday that he was in my life and I think about him everyday.
4. I am thankful for my job. It's not perfect and I really have to count every penny, but the teachers that I work with are kind and supportive, the kids are great and the job itself is flexible and rewarding. I never believed that I was meant for life in a cubicle, so I am very grateful for where I am.
5. I love our little house, particularly when it is decorated for Christmas. Maybe I don't have a big, fenced-in yard, maybe my house is almost 100 years old and only has one bathroom, but all of things give it the charm that C and I loved when we bought it. We have a big, beautiful kitchen, a library in the back of the house, a finished basement, and we save a ton of money by sharing a wall with our neighbors. So what if it's not the sprawling new construction house on former open space? My house has history and it is in the middle of a community where my family has lived for nearly 150 years.
How many chicks do you know that have been to a scrapbooking convention and a tattoo convention in the same weekend? How many historians do you know that teach middle school science? I am a middle school teacher, metalhead and infertile wife just stuck here in the middle.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Micro-IVF
As it looks less and less like IUI will be our path to a BFP, I have been doing some realistic research into our IVF options. It seems like we might be candidates for a newer procedure called micro-IVF. It is a lot less costly than traditional IVF and requires far fewer meds. According to my initial research, it is recommended for women with normal hormone levels, regular ovulation and no MFI.
I am also considering going to New York for IVF as the price is about $2000 lower and there are several grant programs. Unfortunately, most of these grants are for NY residents only, but their website claims that there are some available to non-residents.
As with everything else, I put it up to the experts - the ladies of the Infertility message board. I will update the blog as I gather more information and make some decisions...
I am also considering going to New York for IVF as the price is about $2000 lower and there are several grant programs. Unfortunately, most of these grants are for NY residents only, but their website claims that there are some available to non-residents.
As with everything else, I put it up to the experts - the ladies of the Infertility message board. I will update the blog as I gather more information and make some decisions...
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Me and My Vitamins
Even today, I am anything but a health nut. I eat lots of things that I probably shouldn't, I love diet soda more than a person probably should, and I loathe working out. But becoming desperate changes things.
I have always been suspicious of health products and various supplements. Most are probably just useless garbage that wastes money, but some actually make me a little wary. Sure, I will pound a few diet sodas filled with chemicals, but I am almost irrationally afraid of energy drinks and shots and certain herbal remedies. I tend to stick with tried and true methods based on medical science and shy away from homeopathic or natural treatments that are unproven.
But as medical science continues to yield no results, the special kind of infertile crazy starts to set in. You start to want to make sure that you try every possible method that could improve your chances of success because if you don't, you will wonder for the rest of your life if it would have made a difference.
A few months back, I came across some research that indicated that royal jelly and bee pollen might increase egg quality and possibly even have some positive fertility effects for men, as well. For the first time ever, I went into our neighborhood Vitamin Shoppe and purchased a large jar of the stuff. For weeks, C and I choked down entire spoonfuls twice per day according to the directions on the package. The thick honey cannot even be mixed into tea or heated or the potency might be affected. Recently, much to my and C's relief, I recently discovered that bee pollen and royal jelly is available as a tablet instead.
As part of the study, I am also required to take prenatal vitamins everyday, year-round. And under the recommendation of a friend, I started taking fish oil tablets for the omega-3s, particularly considering that I do not eat fish of any kind. The package directions on the fish oil indicated that I should be taking three per day - one with each meal. Already, this is seeming like a lot of vitamins and supplements. I went ahead a purchased a giant pill organizer for all of these pills.
While I was cruising the boards a few weeks ago, I also noticed that an online friend and fellow infertile was taking wheat grass tablets to boost fertility. CIP (Crazy Infertile Paranoia) sets in and I start wondering if this could be the thing that changes my outlook. For just the second time in my life, I went into that same Vitamin Shoppe and left with bee pollen/royal jelly tablets, wheat grass tablets, a bottle of CoQ10 (what can I say, it was free), and a keychain frequent buyer card. My, how things have changed.
Looking at the massive number of pills I am swallowing each day, my skepticism and fear of medications has returned. I am slightly conflicted about all of these pills, but the CIP has me thinking that this could be the ticket - the thing that changes everything. So for now, I will be building up these superfoods, nutrients and supplements in my system until I can cycle again. But it is such a strange departure for someone who couldn't even remember to take a daily multivitamin a few months ago. That little pill box sits on my desk at work, then travels with me in my handbag everywhere...
I have always been suspicious of health products and various supplements. Most are probably just useless garbage that wastes money, but some actually make me a little wary. Sure, I will pound a few diet sodas filled with chemicals, but I am almost irrationally afraid of energy drinks and shots and certain herbal remedies. I tend to stick with tried and true methods based on medical science and shy away from homeopathic or natural treatments that are unproven.
But as medical science continues to yield no results, the special kind of infertile crazy starts to set in. You start to want to make sure that you try every possible method that could improve your chances of success because if you don't, you will wonder for the rest of your life if it would have made a difference.
A few months back, I came across some research that indicated that royal jelly and bee pollen might increase egg quality and possibly even have some positive fertility effects for men, as well. For the first time ever, I went into our neighborhood Vitamin Shoppe and purchased a large jar of the stuff. For weeks, C and I choked down entire spoonfuls twice per day according to the directions on the package. The thick honey cannot even be mixed into tea or heated or the potency might be affected. Recently, much to my and C's relief, I recently discovered that bee pollen and royal jelly is available as a tablet instead.
As part of the study, I am also required to take prenatal vitamins everyday, year-round. And under the recommendation of a friend, I started taking fish oil tablets for the omega-3s, particularly considering that I do not eat fish of any kind. The package directions on the fish oil indicated that I should be taking three per day - one with each meal. Already, this is seeming like a lot of vitamins and supplements. I went ahead a purchased a giant pill organizer for all of these pills.
While I was cruising the boards a few weeks ago, I also noticed that an online friend and fellow infertile was taking wheat grass tablets to boost fertility. CIP (Crazy Infertile Paranoia) sets in and I start wondering if this could be the thing that changes my outlook. For just the second time in my life, I went into that same Vitamin Shoppe and left with bee pollen/royal jelly tablets, wheat grass tablets, a bottle of CoQ10 (what can I say, it was free), and a keychain frequent buyer card. My, how things have changed.
Looking at the massive number of pills I am swallowing each day, my skepticism and fear of medications has returned. I am slightly conflicted about all of these pills, but the CIP has me thinking that this could be the ticket - the thing that changes everything. So for now, I will be building up these superfoods, nutrients and supplements in my system until I can cycle again. But it is such a strange departure for someone who couldn't even remember to take a daily multivitamin a few months ago. That little pill box sits on my desk at work, then travels with me in my handbag everywhere...
Monday, November 14, 2011
Forced Break
Just when I thought that I would be quickly going through the motions of this study just to get it over with, I am faced with a forced break.
After learning of our 33rd BFN this weekend, I started a new cycle on Thursday and went in for a CD3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Saturday. After the complete and devastating failure of IUI #7, I figured we would just finish up this study and reassess our direction. I got the call later that afternoon that the study requires estradiol levels to be 95 or below and mine was 97. Dammit.
I have to sit this one out. I don't know what is more frustrating: sitting out a cycle that had you really optimistic (we have done this before a few times) or sitting out a cycle for which you had no hope, you just wanted to get it over with...
I had been feeling rather overwhelmed with the study and its rigorous protocol, and I was also becoming overwhelmed with people's curiosity and concern. The further we have gone into this process, the more people in our lives know about it. This is fine with me in theory, but each person has their own way of asking questions and showing their concern and support. Some of these ways are really grating on me.
At the beginning of the study, I had asked a relative to give me the trigger shot because it was much more complicated than the subcutaneous shot in the previous trigger. Now, I somewhat regret that decision. As much as I am comfortable with people knowing that we are IF and that we are in treatment, I don't really like for people to know our status. Having to ask her for a monthly trigger shot makes her acutely aware of our status, not to mention the fact that she is perfectly comfortable asking all sorts of questions that others typically have not.
I have also found myself feeling really alone and alienated at work. I keep reminding myself that I might be overly sensitive and that if I were a mother, especially a mother by very little effort, I would probably talk about nothing but my child, too. But would I? If I knew that a friend was years into TTC, wouldn't I be a little bit more aware? Even if I wasn't IF myself?
In the past, my direct team of coworkers consisted of four women, myself, a newlywed, a single woman and a mother. Later, the newlywed became pregnant and left the job. The team also grew to accommodate an influx of middle schoolers, so it is currently six people - four mothers, a single woman and me. I don't think I am being overly sensitive when I say that the conversation at lunch is entirely about their children and/or pregnancies. I have thought about this a lot and I don't think that I am doing this to myself, but I really feel alienated.
I used to pride myself in staying strong and not being as sensitive as some other IFers that I knew, but maybe I just wasn't infertile long enough back then to really feel the pain. I still don't think that I have crossed over into a real basketcase, but it has become really painful and alienating to sit at that table and listen to them babble endlessly about their registries and room decorations and what their kids will eat and all the cute things they say and all the precious things they do. It breaks my heart. There has to be some kind of balance between the fact that motherhood takes over your life and thinking of something, anything else to talk about in front of your infertile "friend."
After learning of our 33rd BFN this weekend, I started a new cycle on Thursday and went in for a CD3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Saturday. After the complete and devastating failure of IUI #7, I figured we would just finish up this study and reassess our direction. I got the call later that afternoon that the study requires estradiol levels to be 95 or below and mine was 97. Dammit.
I have to sit this one out. I don't know what is more frustrating: sitting out a cycle that had you really optimistic (we have done this before a few times) or sitting out a cycle for which you had no hope, you just wanted to get it over with...
I had been feeling rather overwhelmed with the study and its rigorous protocol, and I was also becoming overwhelmed with people's curiosity and concern. The further we have gone into this process, the more people in our lives know about it. This is fine with me in theory, but each person has their own way of asking questions and showing their concern and support. Some of these ways are really grating on me.
At the beginning of the study, I had asked a relative to give me the trigger shot because it was much more complicated than the subcutaneous shot in the previous trigger. Now, I somewhat regret that decision. As much as I am comfortable with people knowing that we are IF and that we are in treatment, I don't really like for people to know our status. Having to ask her for a monthly trigger shot makes her acutely aware of our status, not to mention the fact that she is perfectly comfortable asking all sorts of questions that others typically have not.
I have also found myself feeling really alone and alienated at work. I keep reminding myself that I might be overly sensitive and that if I were a mother, especially a mother by very little effort, I would probably talk about nothing but my child, too. But would I? If I knew that a friend was years into TTC, wouldn't I be a little bit more aware? Even if I wasn't IF myself?
In the past, my direct team of coworkers consisted of four women, myself, a newlywed, a single woman and a mother. Later, the newlywed became pregnant and left the job. The team also grew to accommodate an influx of middle schoolers, so it is currently six people - four mothers, a single woman and me. I don't think I am being overly sensitive when I say that the conversation at lunch is entirely about their children and/or pregnancies. I have thought about this a lot and I don't think that I am doing this to myself, but I really feel alienated.
I used to pride myself in staying strong and not being as sensitive as some other IFers that I knew, but maybe I just wasn't infertile long enough back then to really feel the pain. I still don't think that I have crossed over into a real basketcase, but it has become really painful and alienating to sit at that table and listen to them babble endlessly about their registries and room decorations and what their kids will eat and all the cute things they say and all the precious things they do. It breaks my heart. There has to be some kind of balance between the fact that motherhood takes over your life and thinking of something, anything else to talk about in front of your infertile "friend."
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Beta In
And it's another BFN.
Last night, we had people over for dinner and went out for a bit, so I never got around to buying an HPT. Usually I like to test first at home to lessen the blow when I get the call from the RE.
All night last night, I woke up almost every half hour. I was so stressed about the beta draw scheduled for this morning. I was a walk-in, so I had to get there before the phlobotomists left for the day. I stressed that I would not wake up in time. I stressed that I hadn't tested with and HPT. I stressed that there was no way for me to get an HPT before morning. I stressed that I would get the call while we were out somewhere doing something and that I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I ended up staying in bed until the last possible moment. I even considered skipping it all together and going tomorrow, but that would have been a logistical nightmare. Finally, I went in this morning around 9:30.
When I got home, it was almost as if we both already knew. C felt tired and groggy, so we both decided to just relax in bed and watch some TV. The call finally came in around 1:30. Ever since the IUI, I had been repeating the same thing to myself - it really should be positive, it could be positive, but it will be negative. It's going to be negative, so just don't get yourself too worked up.
We both decided not to attend the charity event this afternoon that we were considering - C didn't feel like it and I was afraid, as usual, that the call would come in during the event. So we just stayed home.
After the inevitable finally happened, we just hung out around the house for a little longer just not knowing what to say. We both expected it, but it just never gets any easier. Finally, knowing that C had band practice this evening, we decided to go out for an early dinner, just some burgers and chicken.
Luckily, a friend called during dinner offering that we could pick up some stuff that he had offered us weeks ago because he is moving long distance and no longer has room for it. It was a nice diversion from our shared sullen attitude. C got to be excited for a moment about his new fish equipment and I got to visit with an old friend, if only briefly.
When we got home, C had to leave almost immediately for practice, so I am just here hanging out by myself. This just sucks and I am just so tired...
We have two more cycles in the study, and I really think I will just be going through the motions. I am living proof that it just doesn't matter how perfect everything about a cycle seems - IUI just isn't going to be our path to a BFP.
Last night, we had people over for dinner and went out for a bit, so I never got around to buying an HPT. Usually I like to test first at home to lessen the blow when I get the call from the RE.
All night last night, I woke up almost every half hour. I was so stressed about the beta draw scheduled for this morning. I was a walk-in, so I had to get there before the phlobotomists left for the day. I stressed that I would not wake up in time. I stressed that I hadn't tested with and HPT. I stressed that there was no way for me to get an HPT before morning. I stressed that I would get the call while we were out somewhere doing something and that I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I ended up staying in bed until the last possible moment. I even considered skipping it all together and going tomorrow, but that would have been a logistical nightmare. Finally, I went in this morning around 9:30.
When I got home, it was almost as if we both already knew. C felt tired and groggy, so we both decided to just relax in bed and watch some TV. The call finally came in around 1:30. Ever since the IUI, I had been repeating the same thing to myself - it really should be positive, it could be positive, but it will be negative. It's going to be negative, so just don't get yourself too worked up.
We both decided not to attend the charity event this afternoon that we were considering - C didn't feel like it and I was afraid, as usual, that the call would come in during the event. So we just stayed home.
After the inevitable finally happened, we just hung out around the house for a little longer just not knowing what to say. We both expected it, but it just never gets any easier. Finally, knowing that C had band practice this evening, we decided to go out for an early dinner, just some burgers and chicken.
Luckily, a friend called during dinner offering that we could pick up some stuff that he had offered us weeks ago because he is moving long distance and no longer has room for it. It was a nice diversion from our shared sullen attitude. C got to be excited for a moment about his new fish equipment and I got to visit with an old friend, if only briefly.
When we got home, C had to leave almost immediately for practice, so I am just here hanging out by myself. This just sucks and I am just so tired...
We have two more cycles in the study, and I really think I will just be going through the motions. I am living proof that it just doesn't matter how perfect everything about a cycle seems - IUI just isn't going to be our path to a BFP.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Vivid Dreams
One of the hardest parts of this process for me has been the vivid dreams. I have been told before that everyone dreams every night, but that most people do not remember the dreams once they wake. I am definitely one of these people. I seldom recall having dreams during my sleep, that is, if I am dreaming at all.
Since experiencing IF, however, vivid dreams have been more and more frequent. I haven't been sleeping as well during this whole experience and I find that I am often waking up throughout the night for short periods of time, then falling back asleep. Once I wake, I can remember vivid and detailed dreams about caring for our baby. They are often so convincing that I have to sort out reality from dream when I wake up.
When this happens, it usually has a strange effect on the rest of my day. All day today, I was thinking about the twins that we had in my dream last night. It was so real...
Since experiencing IF, however, vivid dreams have been more and more frequent. I haven't been sleeping as well during this whole experience and I find that I am often waking up throughout the night for short periods of time, then falling back asleep. Once I wake, I can remember vivid and detailed dreams about caring for our baby. They are often so convincing that I have to sort out reality from dream when I wake up.
When this happens, it usually has a strange effect on the rest of my day. All day today, I was thinking about the twins that we had in my dream last night. It was so real...
---
On Sunday, I went in for the follow-up ultrasound one week after the IUI. I'm really not sure why the study requires this ultrasound because it really doesn't provide much information other than the number of antral follicles and the thickness of my lining. Like usual, everything looked perfect.
I almost wish that they wouldn't check in so often and tell me how perfect everything looks. This cycle was especially perfect. Literally every part of the cycle was textbook perfect - hormone levels, lining, two follicles... everything. All the checking in is forcing me to build up hopes that likely will be dashed in just a few days.
Waking up from that dream this morning, I felt even more filled with dread. Despite everything being perfect, I just don't understand how the same process that has failed six times before could work. Simply put, I am beginning to wonder if I can even imagine myself pregnant. It seems like most women who have been IF for 2+ years have had a diagnosis or some kind of problem, have conceived and lost, or conceived successfully. It is just so weird to be healthy and unexplained, to have perfect testing and to have nothing but BFNs to show for it...
I'm at a really weird place right now where my mind has become convinced that I may never be pregnant. I don't know if it is worth even looking into IVF and spending all that money if my brain is completely unconvinced.
Maybe I will be in a different mood tomorrow, but as the date for testing and beta draw nears, I am feeling less and less optimistic.
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