Just a few thoughts...

Well, we're a few weeks into infertility limbo and, so far, it has actually been OK. My co-teacher delivered her baby last Sunday and I have just wrapped up my first week of working with her longterm substitute. It's been OK, not great, but she'll be here until June, so I guess we're in for the long haul...

The last few days before my co-teacher left were a little rough. The kids were so excited about the baby and they were showering her with gifts for the last few weeks. We had parent/teacher conferences on her last day and, of course, all of the parents made a huge fuss, as well. As happy as I am for her, it is unpleasant to be in the situation of watching someone be celebrated and showered twice (this is her second child and I was at her first shower, too) while knowing that it will be at least a year before there is any hope of us being in that position, and that I will have to do a incredible amount of extra work to make up for her absence.

Otherwise, though, I continue to lose weight. I am down to the weight I was six years ago when I first started teaching. I haven't been quite as diligent in my workouts, but I am still tracking every calorie and I am hoping to get back to the gym more often once my schedule gets a little less hectic. I am doing a bunch of side work and making some extra money to save for IVF, which is very taxing, but it's also making me a bit more hopeful for the future.

C and I have been really happy and we have done some fun things together lately. We continue to work on planning his band's tour and I am coming up on Spring Break next week and I am trying to jam-pack it with fun things to do with family and friends. I feel like I have been through enough lately at work and with IF, so I'm treating myself.

While I think that we would have been excellent parents three years ago, I feel like we're only getting better and more prepared. Obviously, I don't think that IF was in any way a good thing, but I sometimes think that while we are waiting for our baby, our marriage and our lives have really improved and matured in a way that makes us more ready now than ever. I have been having constant dreams about holding babies, not necessarily our own, and I am going to take this as further proof that we are so ready.

Anyway, I will continue to post as we make decisions and progress. The next few weeks are our last shot at having a baby at age 28 in 2012, but this is obviously very unlikely. Hopefully, though we will have some luck and become parents in lucky '13!!

(Note: If my formatting is at all strange, I am blogging for the first time from our new iPad 2 and I am still getting used to it!)

Well, that's it for a while...

This morning I had to go in for a beta draw for my last cycle with the research study and my last IUI.  I had no hope whatsoever, but really no reason for being to hopeless other than the fact that I have never seen a BFP in three years.  I had not tested, but I already knew...  Even with five follicles, IUIs obviously are not the answer for us.

The research study requires an exit interview and paperwork at the completion of the study.  Today, I had to sit in the office and fill in a boatload of paperwork and have all sort of measurements and tests.  Almost as soon as I got home, C had to leave for a band meeting, so I agreed to go shopping with my cousin so that I wouldn't be home alone when the call came in.

Little did I realize, however, that we would be shopping for a baby shower at Babies R Us.  I can also tell from a lot of her comments that she and her husband are gearing up to TTC. 

Just to heap on more salt into the wound, this is my co-teacher's last week of work.  She begins her maternity leave on Friday and has a scheduled c-section on Tuesday.  The kids are so excited and it's all anyone can talk about.  The kids and fellow teachers have been showering her with gifts and it has actually been pretty tough.  She also has a very young, very green longterm substitute coming in, which means that I will be picking up more work to make up for her absence.

Another teacher on my team is also expecting and I'm sure I will be rehashing all the same crap in May when she is due.  This is a second child for both of them. 

I have said before that I wasn't hopeful after a beta draw, but I must have really meant it this time, because it doesn't seem to be affecting me so much.  I haven't cried, I don't feel too overwhelmed...  I guess I have just been building up to this for a long time. 

I honestly do not know what we will be doing in the future.  Right now, we really do not have any options.  We have no insurance coverage for IF and no money at all.  Maybe it will hit me later just how real and hopeless the situation is right now, but for the moment, I am doing OK. 

I just got back from shopping and lunch with my cousin, which was a nice distraction even if it included a trip to Babies R Us, and now I am home just watching some TV and catching up on emails and messages.  I plan to keep posting, but treatment won't be happening again for quite a while...