Canceled (Again...)

It really took me a while to post this for many reasons, but IUI #9 was canceled last Monday.  After all the trauma of the blood draw, the results came back early evening on Monday that my hormone levels were slightly elevated. 

For reasons that I didn't fully understand (and that I will discuss with the research coordinator in more detail later in person), she would like for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork to be on CD2 next time.  It was my understanding that my hormone levels were elevated as a result of the many cycles of Clomid and Femara and the cysts that often accompany treatment.  I don't see how monitoring a day earlier will help, but at least I know that the research coordinator is making my specific protocol a priority and she really seems genuinely upset with each BFN.

Initially, when IUI #8 was canceled the first time, I was bummed that the study was dragging on even longer and that we were prolonging the inevitable IVF.  It seems, however, as we draw closer and closer to having to plan for IVF, that we probably won't be in a position to start for several months anyway, so there really is no need to rush the IUIs.

As much as it is my right to do so if I want to, I can't see us starting IVF during the school year.  Four of the six members of my grade-level team and need some guidance.  Two of them are already expecting and are due in March and May.  Another has also had to take some time off to have surgery for Crohn's disease, so I can't see my work receiving it well if I need to take some time off while we have substitutes all over the school. 

I also would prefer not to worry and take any protocol changes or bedrest in stride, so it is probably best to begin IVF over the summer.  That way, I can focus on it 100%.  Unless my last IUI is canceled for four more consecutive months, it can't interfere with us starting IVF.  I am also still in the saving and researching phase, so I am not going to worry about it now and I am just going to focus on our happiness, our marriage and my weight loss.

Maybe I am just so sick of this path of treatment, or maybe I was distracted by outside factors, but it should be apparent at this point that I took the cancellation in stride. This week, I have felt slightly liberated not to be worrying about another cycle. I have been busting my ass working out every day either at the gym or at Zumba and my success (both in dedication and weight loss) have been far more fulfilling than another cycle. Since joining the gym, I have really impressed myself and everyone else with my dedication. I have tried not to weigh in too frequently, but I was pleased to see that I have lost four pounds. I still feel really motivated about going to the gym, and I have been using the app MyFitnessPal religiously to record my calories.

Overall, I am just taking some time to come to terms with needing IVF and all the emotional, financial and physical stress that it entails.  I think I am in a healthier place than I was even a few weeks ago, and I am actually enjoying the dreaded break.