Lists of Things

Here is a list of things that I have been feeling for the past few days:
- waves of nausea
- throbbing pelvic pains that suddenly disappear
- cramping, twinges and bloating, particularly on the right side of the ute
- mild breast tenderness
- sex dreams
- acid reflux and indigestion
- sore throat

Here is a list of symptoms associated with early pregnancy in the 2ww:
- waves of nausea
- pelvic pains
- cramping, twinges and bloating
- breast tenderness
- sex dreams
- acid reflux and indigestion

Here is a list of the side effects of progesterone therapy, regardless of result:
- waves of nausea
- pelvic pains
- cramping, twinges and bloating
- breast tenderness

Here is a list of things that often happen when we go more than 7-10 without sex, particularly when I am expressly prohibited from having a big-O of any kind:
- sex dreams

Here is a list of things that are not explained by any of the above:
- sore throat

What a mindf*ck. Seriously. Right now, I am not working, so I have nothing to do but sit here and think about every single goddamned ache, pain, feeling, twinge, signal, breath... And none of it is even that noticeable. As soon as I start doing something that occupies my mind, it all goes away.

Today, for example, I got up early with the dogs then relaxed watching TV for a while and fell back asleep for about a half hour. During this time, I felt the cramping, bloating, twinges, etc.

Later, I made lunch for C, cleaned out my car then took it to get washed. I heard a story on NPR recently about the probiotic properties of fermented foods and they interviewed a fascinating guy who discussed how easy, safe and healthy these food were. Naturally, because I am infertile and all of my friends are either spending quality time with their children, in graduate school or on archaeological digs in the UAE, I decided to devote the better part of my afternoon to cutting 6+ pounds of cabbage, coating it with pickling salt and pressing my own cabbage into a brine to make homemade sauerkraut. (If you were also infertile and alone all day, this would make perfect sense.) I also had to go out and get more mason jars in which to store my kraut in a week or two when it is ready.

My point, however, is not that I made a smashingly successful brine with just an old plastic bowl, a dinner plate and a towel, but that while I was distracted and happily pickling, I didn't feel a thing. Nada. I continued to have baby-related thoughts, but there was no real cramping, twinging or anything.

This leads me to believe that I am hyper-analyzing everything and that many of my symptoms are self-fulfilling prophecies. There is no question that there have been cramps and bloating and indigestion, but each of these things can be explained by several different factors, and early pregnancy is just one of them. The cruel irony is that I would not have been able to do IVF if not for all this free time, and now that free time is killing me.

~~~

I will end on this last thought... I realized today while I was flicking through my electronic calendar that I have an important meeting scheduled for beta day. I am meeting with the head of professional development for a large organization of many schools from all over the state. The meeting is in the afternoon, so the beta call will almost certainly come in while I am there and unable to answer it.

I knew that an IVF beta was just too high stakes to wait for the beta draw anyway, so despite my extreme apprehension about POAS normally, I will testing and testing often this time. I knew a while ago that I would test before beta, but today I realized just how important it will be. Just the thought of listening to that voicemail without an inkling of what to expect makes me nauseous. Oy.

This 2ww business is a unique form of torture. I can't wait to be out of it and wasting time on the internet in a new and different way, like pinning nursery ideas and setting up a registry instead of googling symptoms and constantly checking the boards.

Here they are!

When I am at work, I am a wonder of digital creations, a force of electronic pictures, prints and publishing. When I am at home, however, I have a desktop without MS Word and a slow "student loaner" laptop.

It took me a while to get it together and figure out a way to get our embie photo onto the laptop, but here it is:

These are our precious two embies, an eight-cell and a seven-cell, both high quality, that we transferred on Wednesday.

When you are doing IUIs, everything is imagined and theoretical. You see the follicles, but never the eggs. You see the sample, but not the sperm. You get the insemenation, but you never know what happens in there after that.

For the first time ever, we saw that C and I can create life and, maybe it sounds crazy, but we both got emotional when we saw this photo.

At Cooper, we had several post-coital tests and the nurses actually put the CM under a microscope (OK, it was actually kind of gross) and we could see C's sperm. I know that's weird, but we actually saw it instead of just hearing about it. Obviously, I saw the follicles in the ultrasound like I had so many times before with IUIs, but this time I got to see so much more. Whether or not this cycle works, and I hope beyond hope that it does, C and I got to see life - two beautiful embies that we created. And they were alive and thriving when they were transferred back in.

I have tried to do everything possible in my conscious life to take care of them, but I hope that my ute is doing what she can, too. I truly hope that the next time you see these little blasts, they are little ultrasound peanuts.

IVF 2ww =/= IUI 2ww

An IUI 2ww is nothing like an IVF 2ww. Nothing. The stakes are so much higher and there is just so much more hope.

Ever since our two precious embies were transferred on Wednesday, it's all I can think about. I have felt on-and-off crampy pretty much the whole time and I am definitely analyzing every feeling.

During a typical IUI 2ww, of which I have had many, I always tried to ignore it. Stop thinking about it. Just power through the two weeks and don't test until beta. Much of this attitude had to do with my complete lack of faith in IUIs. During most cycles, I figured there was little chance of success, so I just tried to live my life and cope with the inevitable failure and planning our next step.

I roughly remember that this is how it went:

IUI #1: very hopeful
IUI #2: very hopeful
IUI #3: somewhat hopeful, starting to feel defeated
IUI #4: changed meds - back to hopeful
IUI #5: started research study - somewhat hopeful
IUI #6: starting to feel like IUI is not going to work for us
IUI #7: preparing for failure
IUI #8: discouraged and hopeless
IUI #9: just going through the motions

During this process, we didn't know how we could possibly make IVF happen. We had no money and even Penn had acknowledged our lack of options by offering the research study. We started trying to plan and save and after months of preparation and saving and a financial miracle, we finally made it to IVF.

So here we are and despite our best efforts in choosing and RE and making economical decisions, the cycle cost more than expected. There is much less money left in the reserves than we had hoped, and it's making for a strange mental state.

I want so badly for this cycle to work. I want this to be it and I want C and I to finally get the joyful news that we so badly want and deserve. I want to finally bring good news to my family instead of more hopelessness and sadness.

But I am infertile and I also need to prepare for the worst. If this doesn't work, can we do a FET before school starts to fit in one more try? What will we do?

So what am I doing right now? I am thinking about these embies every minute of everyday. There is not a single moment when I am not thinking about what could/should/might be going on in this ute. So far, I am so hyper-aware that I have pretty much been following my instructions to the letter. No lifting, no strenuous exercise, no sex.

I already know when I will begin testing with HPTs because I couldn't possibly leave it up to a single phone call. I need to be prepared. I am thinking that I will begin testing on Thursday which will be 7dp3dt, then everyday after that until beta on Monday.

I survived...

...the dreaded two days of bedrest.

As I posted before, the first day wasn't bad because the Valium seemed to have knocked me out and I took a pretty long nap. Falling asleep Wednesday night, however, was no easy feat considering that I hadn't done a thing all day and really wasn't tired.

As for day two, my mom took the day off of work, which I really didn't think would be necessary, but I was glad she did. I spent most of the day just reading internet articles and watching cooking shows on TV. I suddenly realized how limited I was in my activities, but she was always there to refill my drink, bring my meds, and she even vacuumed my house and threw in some laundry!

When C came home from work, he took over, but spent most of the time playing video games and tending to his new reptiles two storeys away in the basement. Hmph. He did make dinner, though.

Today was a strange day. I had all this new found freedom, but nothing to do! I usually keep busy with errands, but today I had nothing on the docket. Regardless, I had to get out of the house. I ended up having lunch with C, then driving out to West Chester and strolling around for a bit, then coming home.

For a busybody like me, two days of bedrest was pretty rough, but the next few weeks are going to be very strange. Now, I am not super-neat by any stretch of the imagination, but with two dogs and two cats, I am used to doing a fair amount of vacuuming, as well as lots of laundry, dishes and so on. Needless to say, these tasks are not exactly C's forte. It is going to be weird to rely on him to do all of these things until beta, as it specifically forbids lifting over 15 lbs, vacuuming and too much bending over in my release directions. This should be interesting...

~~~

On another note, it occured to me today how much I would love to be busy caring for our child. My freedom today actually made me sad...

I have always wanted to teach, ever since I was in kindergarten, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that the schedule would be conducive to raising a family. I always thought that I would be able to spend time with my children during the summers, and maybe even get out of work early enough each day to pick them up from school or daycare before my own mom ever could.

My husband, mother, father, aunt, cousin and brother-in-law all have either non-traditional or flexible work schedules that we always thought would reduce our need for daycare or babysitters. We always thought that my cousin and I could raise our kids together just like we were raised together and if they helped us during the school year, I could really take them for the whole summer. It's been our plan for years.

While I know that one can never fully prepare for the responsibilities of parenthood, my boredom just has me thinking about how I could be running around caring for our baby. The constant demands of IVF kept me busy for a while, but now in the 2ww, it's all I can think about.

Instead of driving around aimlessly like I did today just to get out of the house, I could have been shopping and crafting for a nursery or digging through bargain bins for clothes and baby items. I could have been at the local orchard petting animals with our baby or going to the free baby-friendly movies at the local theater. I could be scrapbooking pictures of our family or making handmade items for a nursery. I could even be crafting and creating art with my child.

When you're broke to begin with, then a little extra broke from IF treatment and just sitting here in the 2ww, it's hard to really enjoy your "child-free" time. Really hard. Especially when you're by yourself.

...And now that I have poured my heart out, I am going to get ready for this weekend's distractions. I am grateful to spend this evening with C and tomorrow with my mom, my cousins and my precious little-girl-with-Downs-whom-we-babysit, but I can't deny that I will be thinking about visiting Hershey and Chocolate World with our own kids while we are there.

Two On Board and PUPO!

Our ET was this morning and we are officially PUPO! We transferred two "beautiful" embryos, one eight-cell and one seven-cell, both graded as high quality. They even gave us a picture of our embryos, which I will post as soon as I have access to a scanner.

The procedure went off without a hitch and C was allowed to be with me in the room which was nice, particular when I had to lay there in virtual silence for a half-hour.

Now I am laying in bed watching TV and about to have dinner with C. Luckily, the dose of Valium from this morning made me really tired, so I knocked out today pretty much as soon as we came home and woke up just in time to see the Phillies win in the 10th inning. (Yessss...)

Well, I guess for now it's back to bedrest...

ET is Set...

The embryologist called this morning to report that all six embryos are still growing and developing normally. That means that the transfer is set for tomorrow morning at 9:45.

I need to have a full bladder for the procedure, so I have to start pounding 32 oz. of fluids around 9:15 tomorrow morning. That should be nice and uncomfortable. Once we get home, I will begin the long, dreaded bedrest.

That's pretty much all for now. C and I are going out for a late happy hour tonight to try to enjoy my last hours of freedom for a few days. Here we go!

Six Embies are Growing!

Of the seven eggs retrieved yesterday, all were fertilized and only one fertilized abnormally. I am taking this as a good sign. That leaves us with two embies to transfer on Wednesday and hopefully four frosties left to freeze.

As for me, I felt pretty good all day yesterday other than some soreness from bloating and cramping. At bedtime, however, I started to get some swelling in my ankles and the dreaded mild shoulder pain and my abdomen was even more tender than before. It appeared that I was retaining lots of water and fluid and that I should take it easy.

This morning, however, my swelling had gone down significantly and I felt like just slightly less than a million bucks. I felt mildly crampy today, but not enough to keep me from meeting with a coworker about a project and running my shopping errands. Overall, I feel really good.

Most of all, I am glad to be feeling good and being out and about because the rest of my week doesn't look so exciting. After the transfer on Wednesday, I will be on complete bedrest for two days, and I am not looking forward to it! I am generally pretty energetic and always looking for something to do. Even with summers off, I keep really busy because I am totally boredom-phobic. Seriously.

I'm staring down the barrel of two days at home alone with pretty much nothing to do. I will surround our bed with the laptop, iPad, TV and some DVDs, but this is going to be painful...

~~~

I knew that an IVF cycle would require an incredible amount of monitoring, and this cycle actually exceeded my expectations if that were at all possible. It's pretty obvious to me that fresh cycling will not really be feasible during the school year, so I am really pleased to have any frozen embies at all. It will still require a lot of monitoring, but at least a FET is feasible during the school year.

Naturally, an IFer always plans for the worst, so I am already thinking about what we will do if this fails. We can transfer two more frosties in August and hope for the best, then maybe another FET with the remaining two in December, assuming they all make it to freeze. We have a lot of time off in December and hopefully that will reduce the amount of time needed from work since I only really get two personal days per year.

Ahh, the stress... I really need to stop.