Overwhelmed with Anxiety

Maybe it seems like I am overposting about this, but I cannot emphasize enough how stressful these past two days have been.

For whatever reason, after I got off the initial high of the BFP and the first beta, an enormous feeling of anxiety and dread overcame me yesterday. Sitting at the LabCorp waiting room, I was extremely nauseous, and it sure didn't seem pregnancy related. I felt like I was about to appear in court or speak in front of 1000s of people. That kind of panicky nervousness that leads to nausea.

By the end of the day yesterday, after checking my phone dozens of times, I was nearly shaking. This is typically not like me. I am usually cool as a cucumber, but this anxiety was overwhelming.

I had a tutoring appointment right after school, so I left a message at Cooper just to make sure they knew I had not yet received a call. I went to my tutoring appointment and while the distraction made me somewhat more calm, I was still glancing frequently at my phone and feeling the paranoia.

It messes with your head when you have known nothing but failure for more than three-and-a-half years. And you have seen so many chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages on the boards that the grey cloud of IF just never releases you from the fear.

I had a feeling of certainty, a kind of high, with the first beta draw. I had tested so many times and the results were so certain and strong. But the next big step was beta #2 and I have nothing to base this on. I don't have an HPT I can take or any frame of reference. I am relying wholeheartedly on this test and there is nothing I can do but wait.

Today I left another message at Cooper just to make sure that I was called in the event that the results (finally) arrived. My heart skipped a beat as my phone rang during my 6th period class. Cooper was calling and there was nothing I could do.

Knowing that this might have been a bad decision, I quickly listened to the voicemail in between classes. It would be more than two hours until I could call them back, but I just had to know. Of course, they didn't give me any details over the message - they were just telling me to call back.

For the remainder of the school day, I could feel myself stressing majorly. My hands were practically shaking, my heart is pounding and all I wanted to do was run outside and return the call. But I was stuck.

The message was really vague and this caused the panic to intensify. Basically, they told me to call back. I thought to myself, If it was good news, they would just say it. They want me to call back because it's bad news.

So I teach 7th period. And then I proctor my study hall session. And I answer questions about the math class I don't even teach. And I type up documents and update my website. On the outside, I am carrying out the basic functions of my job, but on the inside I am cowering and wincing and crying and panicking.

As soon as the dismissal bell rings, I chase the kids out the door and slam my door shut. I pull up the voicemail for the name and number of the nurse. As I am listening, my phone rings and Cooper is calling me back. I answer it.

...and my second beta is 1176.
...and it more than doubled.
...and my levels look great.
...and today I am still pregnant.

~~~

I honestly can't see too much of this anxiety ebbing, either. For the rest of the nine months (hoping and wishing that it lasts), I will have countless opportunities to completely meltdown with fear. I will almost certainly freak before the anatomy scan and each ultrasound. I will freak when I feel something strange, or don't feel anything at all. I will freak before we go into labor, and then I will most likely have a lifetime of fears and anxieties about my child.

I guess that's just a big part of pregnancy and becoming a parent. You constantly worry. It's just that much more terrifying when you experience IF because the chances of certain calamities are a little higher, and the chances of conceiving again are so much lower. All in all, it sucks. 

I know it's a cliche...

...but IF and this early pregnancy are like an emotional rollercoaster.

All weekend I was on cloud nine. I was so excited and optimistic. My first beta number was really good and those +HPTs had me dreaming.

Beta #2 was this morning and for absolutely no reason, I am a ball of anxiety. I was practically nauseous with fear and I still am. I have no idea why this is so much more nervewracking, but it is.

I'm sitting here checking my phone every few minutes and it's making me insane... Please, please, please let it double! Please!

The Beta is In...

...and this is the post that will make you think I am crazy, that is, if you don't already.

Last night when I was telling C about the beta, I said that I wanted a number over 100, but that for whatever reason, I really wanted something in the 400s. That would be better.

I didn't mention this to him at the time, but I was stuck on this number all day. Even before I told him, I kept thinking over and over, It should be around 455. I want 455. I have no idea why, I was just fixated on this number.

C was going paintballing today with some guys from my work, many of whom he has never met before. To make him more comfortable, I tagged along for the ride up, then I planned to run some errands in the area, then go back and pick him up. The whole way there, he was fixated on this phone call. He wanted the call to come in before we got to the paintball park, but I told him that this was unlikely and that the call could come anywhere between 11am and 5pm.

Of course, when we were just a mile or two away from the place, my phone rings. The nurse excitedly tells me that it is positive and congratulates me. The beta was 456. I kid you not.

For now, the protocol is to continue with three daily Estrace, 2cc of PIO and the progesterone suppositories. All of my levels looked really good, so we're continuing with the same dosages. She also said to add a prenatal vitamin, but I have already been taking these for a few weeks. I was beginning to run low on vitamins, so I added this to the list of errands for the day.

At Walmart (while C was running around the woods covered in paint), I picked up a new weekly pill organizer, more vitamins, and a bunch of other household crap that we needed. I even allowed myself to wander through the baby section, not because I wanted anything, but because it was no longer painful to be there.

I don't have any official pregnancy instructions yet, but I am definitely cutting as many chemicals and artificial ingredients as possible. I gave up my beloved Diet Coke a few days ago (I probably should have done this a long time ago, but hey...) and I am trying not to eat junk.

I have to return on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and hopefully Sunday for four more betas and this stressed me out a bit. As much as this is the most important thing in the world to me right now, I don't see my job looking kindly on me missing my first class three days this week. Luckily, the IVF nurse said that I could use a local storefront lab and just have the reports sent to Cooper, so this is probably what I am going to do.

...And now we wait and think happy, beta-doubling thoughts...

Sharing the News

I was going to wait until today to tell C, but after spending most of the afternoon thinking about it, I decided to tell him last night. I figured that since the HPT really was so dark, there wasn't much risk in it being unreliable, plus I really thought that he would like to know.

Given the inevitable anxiety about impending doom related to IF, I didn't want to make to much of a fuss, but I did want it to be thoughtful and special. I stopped at the mall on the way home from work and spent about $10 on my big, fabulous surprise.

As I have mentioned before, C and I (and our whole family, for that matter) are huge Phils fans. And Eagles fans. And Flyers fans. But mostly Phillies fans. C has been itching to finally commit to season tickets even though we've been going to dozens of games per season without them. He's been bugging me about it, so I thought I would mess with his head a little.

I wrote up a quick card that said, "I know the Phils haven't been playing as well this year as we had hoped, but there's always next year. This is for next year - you might need it." Of course, I had him completely fooled. As he opened the card, he was all excited, but for totally different reasons.

In the bag was a little Phillies onesie. At first, he just said, "Aww," but looked a little confused. I had already bought him a onesie a while back that said "I listen to death metal with my daddy," but we weren't expecting then. It was just one of those you'll-never-find-this-again-so-just-buy-it-now things. So at first, he's thinking it's another one of these.

Then he says, "Wait. I might need it," and he's piecing it together. I whipped the +HPT from my pocket and he was totally dumbfounded. I told him that the official test was today, but that the line was dark and appeared quickly, so that was a really good sign.

We were on our way out the door to have dinner at a local Italian place, so we discussed it further in the car. I told him that I had tested earlier yesterday morning, but that I just didn't tell him yet. And I told him about how it really hit me when I got that email about the wedding and that we could be parents then. He was excited, overjoyed, but still a little apprehensive.

What are the chances that this isn't real? Can these tests be wrong? When will we know for sure? I must admit, it made me a little sad to see that the very-real nagging anxiety of IF was stuck like a burr in his brain just like mine, and this was the first time I was seeing it.

On the way home from our rather late dinner, he insisted that we stop at a 24-hour Rite Aid and pick up more tests, just to be sure. I had taken a FRER, which is more sensitive than most tests, so I really wanted to take a digital or something a little different. Lucky for me, Clearblue makes a "Double Check" kit that includes two tests of two types - a digital and a plain color-based test.

After dinner, I tested again:

Now this is really starting to feel real. And for the first time in my life, I stared at that test while the little hourglass spun around and I knew. I knew it would be positive. For the first time ever, I felt good about it.

This morning, I think my subconscious was even more excited about beta than my conscious mind. I planned to get up around 7am and leave around 7:30am for the beta. I got up, got dressed and headed for the bathroom for another test. Looking at the clock in the bathroom, I realized that it was not 7:30am, but 6:30am. I woke up an hour early. There was absolutely no going back to sleep, however, and I was already dressed, so I showed up at the RE's office at 7:30am.

And here is the test from this morning:

At beta draw, the phlebotomist asked me if I had tested. I told her that I had tested three times, starting yesterday morning. She said that in all her years, she had never seen a beta come back negative after +HPTs, so we should plan to come back Monday for beta #2.

I can't believe this is really happening... Please let this be the sticky one!

Two More Quick Things

1. I can't stop thinking about all of the amazing things that I might be able to do in the next nine months - things that I have been dreaming about for years! I can't stop smiling and I have a lump in my throat to just happy-cry all the way home from work.

2. I just got an email from my aunt about my (close-to-me-like-a-brother) cousin's wedding. They just got engaged a few weeks ago and she is understandibly excited about planning the occasion. She sent me pictures of the venue and the date they booked... And then I realized that by the time this wedding happens next September, I could be a mom. And now the lump in my throat is back.

Holy. F@$#ing. Crap.

Beta is scheduled for tomorrow and IVFs and FETs, I absolutely have to POAS first. IUIs were cheap and unlimited in my insurance and research study situation, so I considered it rather "low stakes cycling." BFNs totally sucked, don't get me wrong, but at least they weren't financially devastating and there was always another IUI if we wanted it.

I consider IVFs and FETs to be "high stakes cycling." Each one is expensive and requires an incredible time commitment and emotional toll. It really is a grueling process to endure and the BFNs are even more painful.

That said, I cannot sit around on beta day waiting for that call. I would go absolutely insane. So I POAS first. During IVF #1, I bought a big ol' megapack of FRER HPTs and started testing a few days before beta. After several consecutive BFNs, I put that one last HPT back in the closet and basically gave up. When beta was eventually drawn, it was a much expected BFN.

The beta for this FET was scheduled for today, but I planned on going in tomorrow morning because it is generally frowned upon to miss work in this first week back at school. Knowing that I needed to POAS, I decided to test this morning. I just knew yesterday as I was thinking (OK, stressing) about it that it would be a BFN and that testing right before going to work probably wasn't a good idea.

But I did it anyway...

Not only were there two lines, but the second line was a big, fat dark line that showed up almost immediately. I honestly could not believe what I was seeing.

I jumped in the shower while C was still sleeping in the other room and I was literally crying the whole time. I was in such a tizzy this morning that I forgot to put on moisturizer or makeup, and an itchy patch of skin on my temple is reminding me of this fact. I left in a hurry and I haven't stopped smiling since.

I am going in for beta tomorrow and I am hoping for a good beta number since the line was so dark and appeared so quickly. I really want to surprise C with the news, but I want the beta call first. Luckily, he will be paintballing with friends all day tomorrow, so I can wait for the call and plan something all day without having him around.

Please let this be it! Everything is just too perfect for this to fail...

Charmed

As I have mentioned on many occasions, I am an active poster on the Infertility and Infertility Veterans boards on the Bump. I honestly don't know how I would have managed this whole journey without the experience, expertise and support of the ladies on these boards. In the past, there have been several exchanges in which active posters exchange addresses, then send Valentine cards, lucky socks, Halloween candies and the like to all the women in the pool.

A few weeks ago, a fellow IFVet suggested an exchange to create a Pandora-style charm bracelet. Though Pandora/Camilia/Troll charms can cost $20 - $50, there are several sites on the web with charms under $5. Each participant purchases her own bracelet, then chooses a charm of significance to the board and orders a bunch of them. Then she creates a card describing the meaning or significance of the charm and ships it off to  each of the other ladies in the exchange. In the end, each participant has a fully-loaded charm bracelet filled with the wishes and support of the board.

For my charm, I went through hundreds of designs and finally settled on a silvertone Celtic knot bead. I'm not usually overly sentimental, but this seemed to click for me. Despite the fact that we are all separated by geography, culture and time, we share this bond of supporting each other. My explanation that I sent and a picture of the bead itself are included below:

I really enjoyed choosing the charm, but I am really looking forward to creating a bracelet loaded with so much sentiment and support. When dealing with IF, you really need several different kinds of support. Most of us are lucky enough to have the support of our partners and families, but the support of someone who really understands is rare. Even though our connection is purely web-based, the boards have provided that support time and time again and I really look forward to wearing a symbol of that connection on my wrist.

At this point, I have received several charms and I am waiting on a few more. As soon as the bracelet is complete, I will post a picture here.