A Post About Not Posting

So, there's one thing we know for sure - pregnancy has turned me into a terrible blogger! I could sit here and claim that I have been ridiculously busy with home renovations and getting ready to take a break from work -- and both of those statements would be true -- but that's not the real reason why I haven't been writing so much.

In my history as an IFer, I have followed many blogs of infertile women who have become pregnant and I always wondered why they fell off the face of the earth. There are blogs I have followed that literally never posted again after the 6w-8w mark. Why does this happen? And why am I suddenly just as guilty?

I have thought a lot about this question lately. There is certainly plenty to write about when you are pregnant and the experience is remarkable. I always thought that I would blog about each milestone experience while I was pregnant and that I would take weekly "bump" photos and keep a journal, but none of this has happened. It's not because I don't cherish every moment, so why am I so laid back about documenting this experience after I took documenting the infertile experience so seriously?

The best explanation I can come up with is this -- infertility is lonely and isolating. The best way to share your experiences is with people who truly understand and often, these women can only be found through distant acquantances on the web. I don't know anyone in real life who has experienced anything similar to what I have and so sharing, reflecting and discussing the experience became something I did online, both through the Bump boards and my blog. Time moves slowly when you are stuggling with infertility and each day is filled with agonizing decisions and brutal periods of waiting.

As soon as you become pregnant, however, the time moves differently. Sure, nine months is a really long time to wait for your already long-awaited take-home baby, but it's just different. Suddenly, almost every woman in your life is an expert and there is always someone who has experienced exactly what you are, whether it be strange waves of nausea in the shower or a knocking sensation on your bladder. Your trials are no longer as private and you are wearing your current health situation right there on your abdomen for everyone to see. There is less of an urge to sit down and reflect, dream and comiserate.

At the same time, however, life never pauses for a second. Whatever notion I had about maternity photos and journaling went right out the window when I realized that being pregnant would change everything and nothing at the same time. My whole life is different now as we wait for Baby Charley, but I have all the same expectations on me for everything else. I still go to work everyday and I have all the same responsibilities (and often more). I still do laundry and load the dishwasher and cook dinner.

On top of all my normal responsibilities, we decided to do some long-awaited work on our house and we did it all ourselves. That means that I slept at my mom's while floors were being stained and sealed. I spend days cleaning out bedrooms and closets to prepare for carpet installation. I cleaned out rooms and rearranged furniture, scrubbed walls and installed new ceiling fans. This is what I meant about really being busy.

There is also always that ever-present and nagging question -- am I being that woman that everyone hates? Will my IF ladies be annoyed by my posts? As gloriously happy as you are to be pregnant, there is that worry that other IFers will be upset by your posts. How often do I update? When is the right time? In addition, you are surrounded by women in your everyday life who either over-update or take pride in keeping their privacy and you wonder which is the right path for you. Sure, I was annoyed by that other girl's weekly belly photos, but should I really keep so silent?

In the end, there are a handful of reasons why I don't post so much anymore, none of which I am particularly proud of:

• I forget about it all the time because actively updating on the Bump just isn't part of my life anymore the way that it used to be.
• I worry that I am overdoing it, particularly regarding IFer friends.
• I spend so much time working and getting my house, my job and my life ready for Charley that I spend very little time on the computer.
• I am no longer in the brutal pain of indefinite infertility, and so I rely less on writing and posting for comfort.

So, here's the long and short of it. Over the next few weeks, you can expect to see a few more posts about birthing class, our nursery and, of course, when the time comes, the delivery. I am going to put more of an effort into keeping these memories. I don't want to regret not having these things years from now and only having the excuse that I was busy and I was trying not to offend. That's not good enough.

Now I hope to blog for myself, if for no one else. One day, I would love to have a simple book made of this blog to keep track of all the ups and downs I experienced. Until then, I will try to post more often and give this pregnancy at least some of the documenting that I once felt it deserved.